Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I live in England but used to live abroad with my husband and three daughters. Life there was very stressful, and we moved here partly to live a less stressful existence and partly for a more secure future.
I didn't appreciate that my husband struggled with many aspects of moving here, mostly losing his friends and his sporting activities. He missed life there and was very depressed at times. He didn't always share it, and I didn't realise. I became selfish and spent money I didn't have. I eventually racked up over £12,000 in debt on credit cards and kept it from him. He eventually found out about some of the debt, and I confessed to the rest. I thought he'd leave me, but he immediately started to help me by giving me some money from his savings to pay it off, then taking out a loan in his name at a lower interest rate to clear the debt that was left. I sold items and cashed in some savings bonds to pay some off as well.
During the time that my husband was depressed, he went back to our old home for about ten days to sort out paperwork. The night after he left, I sent a friendship request to my first boyfriend on Facebook. I also put my address and phone number on Facebook. I was curious to see if he'd respond at first. He accepted my request about two weeks later. I didn't tell my husband. I didn't make any direct contact with this ex - no messaging, emails, phone calls. He commented once on a post I put up but I deleted the post because I felt guilty about my husband not knowing who he was. At times I had thoughts about getting back with him - on a few occasions when my husband and I argued I thought about just getting on a train and turning up on his doorstep. About two years ago my husband asked me who he was because he'd been suggested as a friend on his Facebook account, and I lied and told him that he was a friend of my brother's from school, I also lied and told him I had friended him because his wife dying of cancer (she died in 2012 and I friended him in 2010) .I eventually only unfriended him in June this year, after I'd owned up to who he was when my husband actually found out what had happened and when, and confronted me with it.
All this time I was running up debt...spending money on credit cards...getting a loan to pay off the debt, then running up more debt...no excuse. Didn't tell my husband because I thought he'd be angry, was in denial about how angry he'd be if he found out, was in denial about being able to keep it a secret and him not find it out.
My husband was unfaithful to me once, before we were married and whilst we were apart for nearly a year and living in two different countries. He told me about it on the first opportunity he had, and it was obvious that whilst he wasn't entirely innocent, the other woman had engineered a situation where they could be alone and had then thrown herself at him.
On our 20th wedding anniversary we went out for a meal. For whatever reason, we ended up talking about our past, and when we talked about his one infidelity he told me exactly when and where it happened. I talked about my previous relationships but left out one ex boyfriend who had been controlling then (in the event, thankfully) had dropped me for someone else and who I was aware still lived in this town.
Six months later, my husband was struggling because he felt that something was going on but couldn't prove it. I went out for a school reunion (I went to an all-girls school so there were no men there) and the friend I went with left her son here for a sleepver with my children so she didn't have to get a babysitter - this was my husbands idea. At supper this little boy told my family that we were going to a pub first - this never happened, it wasn't part of the plan at all and I still don't know why he said this. My husband had asked me to keep in touch and let him know at 11pm when I'd be back - I lost track of time and didn't, and then there was no mobile signal...eventually in a taxi on the way home I found the message asking how the pub was... for some reason in the morning I mentioned that I had seen the previously unmentioned ex in town the day before...
This is getting longwinded but in a nutshell I have lied, lied by omission, hidden stuff, drip-fed information, made out that it was my husband's fault...he's practically had a nervous breakdown, if not actually had one. He's packed a bag, walked out and then come back. He's asked me three times to sign divorce papers and then given me another chance to sort myself out. I have made some advances in being honest and open, but then had failures.
The last straw was last week. I bought an insignificant item from Amazon, but I felt guilty about doing it and knew I shouldn't. I had lots of chances not to buy it - no-one made me click that button. I could have cancelled the order. I could have been open and told him I wanted to buy it and asked if it was OK. I could even have bought it then told him - he wouldn't have condemned me for that. But i bought it, arranged for it to be delivered to my work address so he wouldn't see it, then put the order into "hidden orders". Six days later he asked me about it...I'd left my Amazon account open onscreen and he'd seen it....it was a dress pattern.
The problem is that I lie about lots of things. I embellish stories to make them sound better. I lied about things when I was little and it just carried on. My daughters say I'll talk about something that happened and it will be completely different to what actually happened. Sometimes I just don't see what I'm doing. Sometimes I have what seems like a compulsion to do something - I just can't stop myself from doing it. Then I lie about it or try to hide it because I think I'm scared of the consequences, even though the consequences of being caught out lying are far worse.
I need to find the strength to admit this to myself and just not deny it anymore. I need to stop the compulsion to do things I shouldn't and then hide it. If I carry on like this I won't just lose my husband but my daughters as well. I have been so blessed in life and I've still been denying I have a problem, and I have to stop.
It does help already to know that I'm not the only person who behaves like this.
I didn't appreciate that my husband struggled with many aspects of moving here, mostly losing his friends and his sporting activities. He missed life there and was very depressed at times. He didn't always share it, and I didn't realise. I became selfish and spent money I didn't have. I eventually racked up over £12,000 in debt on credit cards and kept it from him. He eventually found out about some of the debt, and I confessed to the rest. I thought he'd leave me, but he immediately started to help me by giving me some money from his savings to pay it off, then taking out a loan in his name at a lower interest rate to clear the debt that was left. I sold items and cashed in some savings bonds to pay some off as well.
During the time that my husband was depressed, he went back to our old home for about ten days to sort out paperwork. The night after he left, I sent a friendship request to my first boyfriend on Facebook. I also put my address and phone number on Facebook. I was curious to see if he'd respond at first. He accepted my request about two weeks later. I didn't tell my husband. I didn't make any direct contact with this ex - no messaging, emails, phone calls. He commented once on a post I put up but I deleted the post because I felt guilty about my husband not knowing who he was. At times I had thoughts about getting back with him - on a few occasions when my husband and I argued I thought about just getting on a train and turning up on his doorstep. About two years ago my husband asked me who he was because he'd been suggested as a friend on his Facebook account, and I lied and told him that he was a friend of my brother's from school, I also lied and told him I had friended him because his wife dying of cancer (she died in 2012 and I friended him in 2010) .I eventually only unfriended him in June this year, after I'd owned up to who he was when my husband actually found out what had happened and when, and confronted me with it.
All this time I was running up debt...spending money on credit cards...getting a loan to pay off the debt, then running up more debt...no excuse. Didn't tell my husband because I thought he'd be angry, was in denial about how angry he'd be if he found out, was in denial about being able to keep it a secret and him not find it out.
My husband was unfaithful to me once, before we were married and whilst we were apart for nearly a year and living in two different countries. He told me about it on the first opportunity he had, and it was obvious that whilst he wasn't entirely innocent, the other woman had engineered a situation where they could be alone and had then thrown herself at him.
On our 20th wedding anniversary we went out for a meal. For whatever reason, we ended up talking about our past, and when we talked about his one infidelity he told me exactly when and where it happened. I talked about my previous relationships but left out one ex boyfriend who had been controlling then (in the event, thankfully) had dropped me for someone else and who I was aware still lived in this town.
Six months later, my husband was struggling because he felt that something was going on but couldn't prove it. I went out for a school reunion (I went to an all-girls school so there were no men there) and the friend I went with left her son here for a sleepver with my children so she didn't have to get a babysitter - this was my husbands idea. At supper this little boy told my family that we were going to a pub first - this never happened, it wasn't part of the plan at all and I still don't know why he said this. My husband had asked me to keep in touch and let him know at 11pm when I'd be back - I lost track of time and didn't, and then there was no mobile signal...eventually in a taxi on the way home I found the message asking how the pub was... for some reason in the morning I mentioned that I had seen the previously unmentioned ex in town the day before...
This is getting longwinded but in a nutshell I have lied, lied by omission, hidden stuff, drip-fed information, made out that it was my husband's fault...he's practically had a nervous breakdown, if not actually had one. He's packed a bag, walked out and then come back. He's asked me three times to sign divorce papers and then given me another chance to sort myself out. I have made some advances in being honest and open, but then had failures.
The last straw was last week. I bought an insignificant item from Amazon, but I felt guilty about doing it and knew I shouldn't. I had lots of chances not to buy it - no-one made me click that button. I could have cancelled the order. I could have been open and told him I wanted to buy it and asked if it was OK. I could even have bought it then told him - he wouldn't have condemned me for that. But i bought it, arranged for it to be delivered to my work address so he wouldn't see it, then put the order into "hidden orders". Six days later he asked me about it...I'd left my Amazon account open onscreen and he'd seen it....it was a dress pattern.
The problem is that I lie about lots of things. I embellish stories to make them sound better. I lied about things when I was little and it just carried on. My daughters say I'll talk about something that happened and it will be completely different to what actually happened. Sometimes I just don't see what I'm doing. Sometimes I have what seems like a compulsion to do something - I just can't stop myself from doing it. Then I lie about it or try to hide it because I think I'm scared of the consequences, even though the consequences of being caught out lying are far worse.
I need to find the strength to admit this to myself and just not deny it anymore. I need to stop the compulsion to do things I shouldn't and then hide it. If I carry on like this I won't just lose my husband but my daughters as well. I have been so blessed in life and I've still been denying I have a problem, and I have to stop.
It does help already to know that I'm not the only person who behaves like this.
It really is ironic how close our stories are, up until yesterday I was 33 days lie free, but then my husband felt I lied because I decided to go to a meeting that I originally said I wasn't going to. One of the other members pointed out that in a normal relationship with truth and honesty, this change wouldn't be a big deal, but in a relationship where there hasn't been truth and honesty, this looks like a lie and looks deceitful. So I'm back to Day 1, which is depressing, but going to keep trying.
I think the biggest thing that helped me was trying to figure out my trigger. Why do I lie? What started my lying and what can I do to handle the situations where lying is my first instinct. These are hard, soul searching questions and I certainly haven't figure out all my answers yet, but it certainly has helped to start looking at these things. Best of luck, welcome and post or message me anytime.
I need to work out the triggers as well. I think worry has a lot to do with it, and low self-esteem. However I do need to remember that there are clear limits and if I don't stay honest there are serious consequences. Being in denial of the consequences has been my problem in the past...
I really, really appreciate your reply. Good luck to you too.
I can certainly relate to the compulsive spending. I was the same, and even had a hidden bank account where I could spend from. It's a manic thing, the compulsive spending, but I think I have it under control because I've found that it actually feels better to "want" something than to "owe" for it.
And not just owing the money, and getting into debt for it, but owing the explanation to your partner. I feel that I'd rather just want something, than spin a web when I have it. Know what I mean?
He has always been honest with me and I just haven't been the person that he always thought I was - he says he thought I was perfect, and then found out than I'm not, and I think that is the part that has hurt him the most.
I see a lot of myself in your story.... With the HIDING purchases, my lying had got so bad the when I was on the phone with my boyfriend and get to a drive thru I would put the phone on mute so he did not know I was there.... Now that is nothing worth hiding or lying about but I would... I hid almost everything I bought. I had my breaking point that woke me up to change..
As of now since I lied, had low self esteem, little to no self worth or control and cheated, my boyfriend cant trust if i tell him if its hot or cold outside and it sucks....
But these are MY consequences that I created. It hurts everyday for the amount of pain I caused him He has been nothing but good, sweet , supportive, encouraging, never yelled at me nothing bad we had absolutely no problems except the lying...
I keep going everyday b/c I am learning my triggers and I don't want to be that person anymore... Also which makes it a little better is even tho my boyfriend is really really hurt he is still here....
I encourage you to keep pushing What I seen that really inspired me was some one stated "It takes years of work to get some to trust you again so you better start today"
I have found that this forum and counseling (I see a hypnotherapist) can be very helpful.