Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
So today marks one of the lowest days I have had in a while. I get a long text message from my gf today. She thinks I have been cheating on her. We have had a great relationship for 8+ months now. We live together, took a vacation to Hawaii together, and we are possibly moving there within a year from Maine/New Hampshire.
Here's the down side. I am an Aspie, I am high functioning but I still am learning coping skills. I have known for about 4 years. The other night I said something that I didn't realize was hurtful. I realized it the next morning, but never said anything. The text was my gf complaining about that, the fact that I hide my friends on fb, and she believes I was still on a website looking for a companion. The last being the most confusing one of it for me. We met off a dating site. We had struggles in the beginning with trust. (she lied twice about being on after we were exclusive). I forgave her - fast forward to today. I did still have a profile up on another site. I was on two sites when I met her, canceled one & forgot the other. One of her friends saw that profile & thought it was current. After finding this out from my gf I did some digging to find out which site it was, and deleted it. I love her to death & don't want her second guessing it. I have been completely honest with her, but I feel she is very hurt. I am sure she will have a problem believing me from now on. I never wanted to hurt her in any way, but it seems I find some way to mess it up, or something from the past comes back to haunt me.
I left work early, came home to talk it over with her person to person. I have no clue what to do, but just tell her the truth over & over. All I do is work & spend all my time with her. She is my counterpart. WTF do I do!
Here's the down side. I am an Aspie, I am high functioning but I still am learning coping skills. I have known for about 4 years. The other night I said something that I didn't realize was hurtful. I realized it the next morning, but never said anything. The text was my gf complaining about that, the fact that I hide my friends on fb, and she believes I was still on a website looking for a companion. The last being the most confusing one of it for me. We met off a dating site. We had struggles in the beginning with trust. (she lied twice about being on after we were exclusive). I forgave her - fast forward to today. I did still have a profile up on another site. I was on two sites when I met her, canceled one & forgot the other. One of her friends saw that profile & thought it was current. After finding this out from my gf I did some digging to find out which site it was, and deleted it. I love her to death & don't want her second guessing it. I have been completely honest with her, but I feel she is very hurt. I am sure she will have a problem believing me from now on. I never wanted to hurt her in any way, but it seems I find some way to mess it up, or something from the past comes back to haunt me.
I left work early, came home to talk it over with her person to person. I have no clue what to do, but just tell her the truth over & over. All I do is work & spend all my time with her. She is my counterpart. WTF do I do!
I know about the past coming back to haunt you. The past is the problem with myself and my husband, but it's not the past that is the real problem but the fact that I lied and omitted things, told him a half story, changed my story, couldn't remember some things but could remember insignificant things. That's the real problem.
Try to put yourself in your girlfriends shoes. I know she stayed on a site after you got together, in the beginning of your relationship. If you found out that she was still on a site now you would feel much worse about it than you did then, especially when you are living together and making plans together. She must feel as if she's planning for a future that you may not be fully committed to, even though that may not be the case.
It's more important than anything to make sure that you are doing the right thing - but doing it openly. That means that if you still have a profile on a dating site, that you tell her before you delete it. If you receive an email from an ex, show it to her before you delete it. If you have someone else's number on your phone, tell her you still have it and then delete it. The more open you are, no matter how insignificant the detail is, the more respect you will earn from her. She may be upset initially but explain to her that part of lying is keeping secrets - even if it unintentional - and that you don't want to have secrets from her.
Don't hide your friends on Facebook. Be open about who you are friends with, and give her the option of whether she is comfortable for you to stay friends with them. Commitment is about committing yourself to the other person, it's not just physical. If you are doing something that is making them unhappy or uncomfortable, that's not commitment. Hiding friends on Facebook is not being open, and that's not being honest, and that's exactly the same as lying. If you really want to be with her exclusively, you have to be prepared to give things up if they make her feel uncomfortable. At the very least you need to be honest about your friendships and not hide them.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm in a bad place today. I had seven wonderful weeks with my husband then got caught in a lie. Seventeen days of hell followed, then a week of both wanting to make it work. The sticking point for him is that he feels that I equate sex with love. What broke it again was me identifying a button as belonging to something I'd made for a friend who I met when I was with my first boyfriend who I had friended on Facebook, had thoughts about, and lied to him about. The last 24 hours have not been good. I still hope that we can fix it, but he can't see a way forward and although I do nothing but think I can't find one yet either. I don't want this for anyone else.
I really hope you work this out. If you can, you will both be stronger for it. She will have respect for you, and you will have respect for yourself.
My gf has been talking to her ex all along. At first it upset me. We got into a big fight about it months ago. She 'claimed' she stopped talking to him, but I know she still was. At that point I realized thatif she will cheat, it will happen & there is nothing I can do about it. I just stopped making it an issue of her talking to him. I know it goes on, but I want her to be comfortable with telling me. She will not be comfortable if I am aggressively trying to control the situation.