Happy New Years Eve all. It’s been a year of moving forward for me. I see a lot of new post since I last checked in to the site. Good on all for waking up. I started my awakening in fall of 2015. I was divorced after a marriage of 29 years!! I thought I had my shit together and was in a relationship with a partner I adored. But she saw through the veil of dishonesty. My insecurities and need for appearance of perfection prevented me from admitting openly to my faults or aberrant behaviors. My lies were about silly things. Conversations with my ex, looking at porn on the computer, anything that I saw as shameful or hurtful to others. After all I had to be everything for everybody right? But once you cross the boundary of truth how can you be believed about anything you say? So my relationship fell apart and I had a choice in front of me. Continue in my childish insecurities and fear of judgement or work to change. The key word here is WORK. 

    There have been many stumbles along this path. Years of a behavior pattern of lying cannot be changed overnight. I dug deep. Yes it involved some counseling sessions. I did a 12 step program in 2016 about lying. I read tons of stuff. Specifically for me I found Brene Brown and Wayne Dyer very influential. And I did daily work and continue to do so. Journaling, checking in to Daily Strength every single day as a reminder to my commitment to change. I learned to embrace my imperfections. Now if I forget a task I simply apologize and admit my mistake! No more need for covering up. I quit behaviors that seemed shameful to me so I would not need to lie about them anymore. I do yoga on a regular basis and look to physical as well as mental fitness. I read somewhere a quote about “I quit lying when I fell in love with the truth”. It now actually feels awkward to try and tell a lie. That inner voice that tells you that you are doing something wrong takes precedent! That higher self steps forward.  

    2017 has been a year of solidification for me. My partner who left me married me this Spring. Yes, she learned she could trust me. Know that rebuilding trust can be accomplished but it will take time and again that word...WORK. The alcoholics have a saying when they go for sobriety. One day at a time. Take little steps. Concentrate on one minute, then one hour , then one day at a time. Dig deep. What started this behavior pattern in you. What do you FRAR? Because it is out of fear that you will find that you lie. Fear of judgement, loss of control, appearing weak, fear of being abandoned, .... 

     So I see 2018 looming ahead. I am excited with anticipation for the future. I recommit to the daily work that keeps me centered and focused on what is really important. I hope to become more giving and service oriented. I hope to stay humble and kind. I hope that all who read these words look into their mirror and see a wonderful person looking back at themselves. A person who really is perfect in your imperfections. A person who is good inside but has stumbled out of fear. Remember that the wake behind the boat is only where the boat has been. It does not drive the boat forward. That is up to you. 

    So happy New Years to all.