Hello! I'm just going to cut to the chase: I'm trying to figure out if I'm actually cisgender or not?
Now, I'll begin by saying, first, that I want to figure this out through my actual FEELINGS, not my likes and dislikes. I'm born female and I've taken multiple gender identity tests, talked to multiple people about this, and have tried to understand myself, but it all adds up to "you like stereotypical masculine things, you might be trans!" and "if you like cars and boy clothes, you must be trans!!!!" WHICH ISN'T TRUE! I know which gender identities I am not, and I am 100% not transgender just because I like to dress and look like a boy.
Some information about me that is ACTUALLY relevant to gender identity:
-I don't mind being address by female pronouns. But I also like male pronouns and gender neutral pronouns. (Part of me thinks that this is because I "want to be a special snowflake uwu" which ISN'T MY INTENTION - I DO NOT think I might not be cisgender because I want to be special, that's not my intention at all).
-I HATE HA TE HA T E HATE H A T E my chest. I plan on getting surgery to either remove them or make them smaller. I don't like having a big chest and I don't like having a big butt either, but part of me thinks that this may be because I'm demisexual and don't want anyone, except my boyfriend, to look at me or think of me in sexual ways. I have a curvy body that I would prefer not to have. I just don't want to look "sexy".
-I prefer to look more masculine than feminine. I wear baggy clothes and my hair is cut short, I like it that way. But I also don't mind dresses and skirts, even though I hate my body too much to wear them. x.x My mood changes, to be honest, sometimes I want to be super cute and wear press dresses and skirts and flower crowns and shit and be super girlie, but mostly I want to wear jackets and baggy shirts and jeans and shit. I know how you present yourself isn't relevant to gender identity, not rEALly, but I thought it might be important to let you all know?
-So far, bigender is what I'm leaning towards what I might be. I don't know. I feel a sort of "connection" to the word, like I really may be bigender. I thought, at first, I may be agender, but I don't feel connected to it, so I don't feel like I could be agender.
-I am PERFECTLY fine having a vagina. In fact, I'd much rather have a vagina than a dick. Sometimes I'm curious, but that's more of a "hey I wonder what having a dick feels like" type of feeling.
-I was sexually abused, so that plays into my self-esteem body issues.
-I have tried and tried and tried COUNTLESS times to "reach into my feelings" to see if I truly feel female or male or neither or both or WHATEVER, and I have never felt anything there. I'm 99% sure that this is because I really am cisgender, so typically you wouldn't feel anything, but I also don't think I'm doing it right XD
Anyway, if you need more information, feel free to ask away. I just want to get to the bottom of this. Let me know what you all think, please!