i have a story for you.. it's the story of how i uuuhhh....how a Friend of mine..yeahyeah that's it.....how a friend of mine got a shiner.....by friction
to get this story you'll need to know a few things about .......my friend.
he's Allfuckedup.
there is a diagnosis list as long as my arm for him but for our purposes here we just need to know that he's in lotta pain..pretty much all over.
certain times it flares up and gets worse all over.
he calls this the fullbodyToothache.
along with overmaxing a bunch of different meds...my friend treats these pains with application of various styles and sizes of ice packs and heatpacks. some of which can be strapped on.........some balanced.
he will then proceed to do what he calls "take my chemical hammer and knock myselfthefuckOut"
by which , i think he means a little more overmaxing with the sleep meds.
if he takes enuff....they, quite literally put him down.wherever he is. rendered fully unconcious.
some vague time agao......nite before last...he initiated this whole process. having got on all the ice and heat applications, covering quite a bit of his body......and "walking" with a both footed limp. and emitting strange, involuntary animal like sounds....and groaning.........he looked not so much human as he did the offspring of a space mummy and a zombie.
so...there he was, a twitchy,groany spacemummy/zombie boy in his kitchen heatin up one thing or another in the microwave(his memory seems fuzzy on that point) and startin to feel the Wooz comin on.
he sleeps in this big ,wonderful recliner. the usual plan is to, as soon as the Wooz starts, GetHisNarrowAssInTheChair. this he does to avoid any rearrangemnt or reconfigurement of counter tops,furniture......and facial features when the hammer drops.
he was five or six short steps from his chair, a mere twenty minutes away :) when..........uh oh..........he needed to poop. NEEDED to poop.
this brought on rather a bit of a panic situation.
the hammer was comin
it was a big hammer this time...........he WAS gonna fall unconcious...no doubts there.

i need to break a little here to explain a rather delicate bodily function situation my friend has.
when he's been bad pained up.........if he eats anything substantial at all.......he uuuhhh. well.....he gets the shits.
we're not talkin your standard ole gottagogottago business here.
we are talkin TheHigh Velocity Massive volume ScreaminAssShits!
you see his conundrum.
didn't wanna risk crashin off the toilet into deadweight unconciousness in uuuhhh....mid-business.
on the other hand............he was simply NOT gonna shit the chair.
not an option that.
so he shifted into high speed action(tipping into the bathroom door and bouncing off the wall and counter whilst making the neccessary clothing adjustments on the fly and (he's quite pleased with himself on this point) "landin that little fucker dead center first try" on the cammode.
things were gonna be alright.....he was where he needed to be mere seconds before he needed to be there. he could "jam through this action" and crawl to his chair before hammer time........awesome.
but.........there was a problem(and i feel i must apologize to any sensitive readers here)........he wasn't as uhh..fluid.....as he had hoped...and indeed as he had, from previous experience every reason to expect. ..what was wrong? he thought. it had started just fine....the expected consistency.....impressive flow rate then..............trickletricleSTOP. he could tell there was more.........well, you know what there was more of...........that needed out. that would indeed Come Out....on it's own...eventually. but for the moment(and he didn't have many of those left) it was NO GO. strain,struggle, put the legs strait,raise the arms overhead(but the arms were beyond raising that nite) concentrate,visualize,call on GOD "DEAR LORD MERCY.LOOSEN MY BOWELS!!! ".....................nothin.
aha! a brilliant flash.
he had a book. it was right in the middle of a very exciting fightscene..he would read on that whilst waiting on.............the other.......and this would keep him awake long enuff.

didn't work.
here is how the shiner came.
he woke up sometime later,my friend did.
there was a banging sound.
as he came around........he noticed it was him.
he was still.....well seated.........no uummm......untidyness had occured " I take a bit of issue with your timing O Lord but you kept my aim true....thankss for that" he thought.
but why was he in motion?
as he came more fully aware he noticed(how could he not?) that he was repeatedly pushing against the floor with his feet and the toilet tank with his back........:) he was trying to recline his chair!
where's the black eye you ask?
right here. as the hammer came down.....he went down.
strait down. he had his legs extended and feet pushin on the wall in an effort to "get a little more puuuuussshh" when he went out.
he face planted onto his open,big,hardcoverbook.
it knocked his reading glasses sideways and ground one lens into his,closed thankfully,left eye. SMACK. then for however long he had been trying to recline the shitter it ground that lens back and forth back and forth into his eye socket.
it's the only blackeye by friction that i ever have known of.
and thereyago.
the end
Peace
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