A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''  

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''     

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says, ''How do you drive this thing?''

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

A seal walks into a club...

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