I have been contemplating religion for a while now. I grew up as a Jehovah Witness but once I became a teenager and moved to a different city I no longer attended and truthfully it was no longer on mind. I had got used to not going for so long. I still don't attend today. However, my mother is still a very active member and is even baptized. She has asked me several times to attend meetings or have a bible study at home. I don’t say no or yes, I don’t say anything. I know that I do believe and love Jehovah very much. That part has never left me. I just feel like I disappoint him with my sins that I keep reoccurring, though I don’t want to. I pray everyday for his guidance and strength. I live completely in fear of the world ending because that is what I was taught would happen. I want to start studying again with my mom. Me and her do not get along very well, to be honest she annoys me most the time but I have tried and still continue to try to not let it get to me and just respect her. I know I can treat her better, I personally think it's that I don’t want to end up like her and personally things in my life that make me upset and I can tend to take it out on her if she upsets me. I do not want to be that person because I love her very much.

For myself I want to get right with God because that is the only promised relationship I can have. There are just same questions I have about the religion. Some things seem to be man-made rules, and if I am correct Jehovah only wants us to abide by his rules. There's just some confusion there. I see the events happening around the world and I think to myself everything is only getting worse. So in the time I do have left I want to get even closer with Jehovah and live by his word. I am not a bad person. I don't do much. I care for everyone and pray for the whole world every night. The only thing I am lacking is going to meetings and going out in field service. I won’t lie I am embarrassed about how I look physically so I really don’t leave the house to go anywhere but I cannot let that hold me back any longer. Going out in field service concerns me as well. What if I go to the wrong person's house and they flip out on me. I don’t think Jehovah Witnesses can retaliate and I have that mindset to retaliate if someone would do something to me.

There are things about myself that I would have to change or alter in order to be accepted by this religion but I just want to be accepted by Jehovah. I mean it is nice to have a relationship with the brothers and sisters but I want to feel that I am proving myself to God and not them all the time. I see my mother who is overly kind to the point she gets walked all over and I have to admit I don’t like that quality about her but above all she is a wonderful person and seeing her studying and getting involved with the truth keeps her so gracious and grounded. I mean life still has its problems but I think knowing that I have a relationship with him would make it a little better to deal with. I don’t want people to judge me and think oh well since a lot of bad things are happening such as natural disasters, now I want to get involved but truth is I have been thinking about this way before the earthquake yesterday, I just cant build up the courage to ask my mom to study with me.

Another thing I am concerned about his my relationship with my boyfriend. We have plans on moving in with each other next year, we wouldn’t be married at the time either. I think this goes against JW beliefs. Like he makes me so happy and all I want his him. I’ve never had anyone in my life there for me, so why would I have to give that up for religion. That is kind of confusing to me. However, I will start reading material at least 15 mins or more each day and continue to pray as I have been. I want to get rid of this fear I live with everyday that something bad is going to happen and that I will go to hell because I never got right with Jehovah. Looking back I wish I never fell off in the first place, I think I would be a better off today.