Hi there. I'm a 59 year old female. (60) in May. I've suffered from depression since I was a little girl. I tried to kill myself when I was 14 and 3 or 4 times since. It's cost me everything........I don't have a friend in the world anymore .........literally. My daughters love me but need to live away from me. I understand this. It's such a cruel and debilitating disease. I've been hanging on by a thread for a long time now.......just existing. I've reached a new stage now where I'm just numb..........surely a human being has the right to say "I've had enough".

My Mother died a few years ago of malnutrition and ulcers on her legs and thighs. A recluse......and yet she used to be such a lovely vibrant woman.........obviously she was a very sick lady. I am too, and have been for a long, long time. I don't want to end it like Mum did .....it was horrific. The only thing I can think of doing is to weight myself down and jump off a cruise ship at night. I'd tidy up everything here so my girls wouldn't have to do what I had to and I'd leave them letters from my heart saying how sorry I was..........I've told them I've had a couple of strokes as my speech is even going now.........it's the fear.........it makes me feel sick......depression has taken me to some barbaric places where I wouldn't put a dog so I know what's in store.......I've a very gentle spirit and lovely brown eyes.......but they're dead.......like me. I'm just a shell........