Infertility, Secondary Support Group
"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.
Hello All,
New to this group but not to Daily Strength. I had posted a while back in a handful of groups but hadn't been on in a while. Feeling crappy today- so I just felt like this was a better space to express my current state.
I am not really a seconardy infertility girl. I am a regular infertilty one- MF- but due to my current state I think it is inappropriate and hurtful to post on the general infertility site.
My journey with infertility is going on 9 years. I had been through the ringer to get my sons- multiple setbacks and treatments and failures and heartbreak, but like I said, I have 2 boys. Both are FETs that finally worked. My last embryos were transfered two years ago this month and didn't take. I don't think I still have processed that. I don't really think I've processed anything- I tend to hate to feel emotional and don't typically share any feelings with others. Which is probably why I feel the way I do now.
My husband and I were given some optimism from a urologist after the embryos didn't take- putting my husband on clomid and saying that naturally conceiving wasn't such a crazy thought. But, here we are two years later, and I am writing here for a reason. Not pregnant. Frustrated. Tired. Pissed at myself. Letdown. You know, all the same feelings we all have felt.
Insurance won't cover anything if I decide to go down the road of IVF again- which is ultimately terrifying because I just don't think I can stomach even walking into that office again and rolling the dice over and over. I don't really want to jump on that train- the one of consumption of emotions and money. I just don't know if I have the heart for it. My husband, a smart man, says he will always support whatever I want to do. But I feel lost in a pergatory- frustrated on how my two boys should be good enough to meet my needs and I constantly beat myself up on how I need to get my head straight on that and just relish every moment with them. They are amazing and wonderful and the loves of my life. I am living a life of absolute priviledge. I had beaten the odds- I'm on the other side. We experienced success- TWICE- and here I sit. Crying. Pissed not entirely at my situation but at my heart and head and desires. Just one more chance at doing this is what I want- to have just one more- I tell myself. It consumes me again like the old days, and I am sometimes disgusted with myself and my selfishness. The self-inflicting pain that I place square on my own shoulders. What the hell is my problem, I ask myself. But man, that motherhood heart of mine stretches to consume not only my heart but thoughts, and I'm left in a rather familiar place with familiar feelings. After all these years things change, some things die hard, or just remain the same. And then I get pissed about that. I am so hoping someone can say they have felt these same feelings because right now I am not only hurting a bit but I have walked down the "self-loathing" road. Can anyone relate? Because I don't know anyone in my life like me or my circumstances and I lack a supportive group of people.
Thanks for listening me vent.
It totally is as life consuming as the whole first infertility battle.
And it's extra hard as society doesn't allow us to grieve over secondary or tertiary infertility. "We should be happy with one" it's a lonely lonely pain. Hugs
I am totally new but have been through a lot. I dont think I have even processed it. Its just been like jumping from one thing to the next, bounding from one scare to another.
Ive had a rollercoaster and also, like the poster, dont tend to share much. Once I got the terrible news that NONE of my 8 beautiful embryos are viable. My heart sank. I started telling people my story and I think, trying to finally connect with someone. So here I am. Almost no one knew we had been doing IVF or had had 6 miscarriages or that I was intertile! I have a almost 4 year old. I get mad when people say "it will happen, just dont think about it" or "trust in God". Really, people dont get it. I lost my tubes, its not going to just happen. I tried IVF and FAILED! Should I just keep throwing more money at this and more time and more anxiety?!
I dont know if I can so it anymore. I want to but its so darn hard to keep going.