This is my first experience with any support group of any kind.  I have been on antidepressants for a few months now and they are definitely helping, but I still feel like I need someome to talk to.  I got pregnant twice as a teenager and have two children that I love deeply (12 yo girl and 14 yo boy).  I got married at 20 to my daughter's father and we have been pretty happily married ever since.  I came from a big family and always dreamed that I would have several children (my mom had 6).  We struggled financially for several years, so we put off having more children.  I went to school and got a nursing degree and have worked as a labor and delivery nurse for the past 6 years.  After the first year of working, we bought a house and have remained mostly above water financially.  Soon after, I finally talked my husband into ttc.  I had my IUD removed and assumed I would be pregnant in no time.  I bled frequently when I had the IUD, but once it was removed the bleeding stopped almost immediately.  I didn't have a period at all for several months, so I consulted my doctor.  She prescribed progesterone to trigger a period.  That came and went so I consulted with her again.  Lab results showed that I had PCOS so she started me on Metformin.  Shortly after, I started a period!  I was thrilled!  This time I was sure again I would be pregnant in no time.  A friend from work had her IUD taken out just about the same time and we were excited about the prospect of being pregnant together.  I grieved when I started my period.  I hadn't technically lost a pregnancy and I felt I had no right to be upset, but I was, I was devastated.  Shortly after, that friend of course announced she was pregnant.  I wanted to be happy for her and on some level I was, but I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut.  It wasn't fair, I had been trying longer and it was supposed to work this time.  I know she wanted me to be pregnant too and I know it wasn't her fault, I just felt cheated.  Periods came and went, every time with a sting and a feeling of loss.  After further tests and failed attempts with clomid, my doctor referred me to a specialist.  I was very hopeful as I saw the end result of his success stories every day at work.  After several months of follicle scans and trigger shots I finally had a positive hcg!  It was right before Christmas, just as the first spontaneous period was the year before.  Another New Year's Eve came and another renewed hope that by this time next year, I would have a baby in my arms!  They had told me that the positive wasn't as high as they would like, but I had clung to hope.  I prayed that this baby would hang on.  I wanted it so badly.  Only a few short days later, the bleeding came.  They told me that the numbers were low enough that I could try again right away, so we did.  It was several months before we had anymore positive news.  I then had my biggest follicle yet!  I actually had reason to be hopeful again.  Soon after, my hcg was even higher than it was last time.  I let myself hope again and then it was gone.  I took that loss pretty hard. I just shut down.  The doctor said I needed to wait a few months, which was fine, my body and my soul needed a break.  I didn't know if it was even a road I could go down anymore.  I disconnected from my life.  I took an assignment as a travel nurse an hour and half away from home (still labor and delivery).  It felt nice to have a temporary escape.  I would stay at a hotel in between shifts and go home once my work week was over.  I was very grateful for the support I had through my journey from my co-workers (I will always love them for that), but it was nice to have a whole new group of people who didn't know.  I wasn't the person who couldn't sustain a pregnancy to them, I was just me.  I stopped everything, even the Metformin.  I went a few months without a period, which I attribute to not taking the meds.  Finally (shortly after Christmas this time), I let myself take a pregnancy test.  It was positive!  It was the first time I had a positive otc pregnancy test in 12 years!  I happened on it's own!  It was one of those many stories of people finally conceiving after they stopped trying!  This time I was sure it had to work because it happened on it's own.  Based on my LMP, I would have been 10 wks so my doctor brought me in right away for an ultrasound and labs.  The ultrasound put me at 5-6 weeks and the hcg was consistent with that.  I had my labs re-checked a couple days later and it doubled like it was supposed to!  It was really happening this time!  I let myself make plans, I let myself get excited.  Then it happened.  I was sitting at the dinner table and I felt a sharp pain.  I went to the bathroom and there was blood.  Not a ton, but enough that I knew.  I made a sound that's impossible to describe.  It was a sound that I had never heard before or since.  It was mostly some kind of wail.  I was inconsolable.  My husband tried.  He rushed in and held me and cried with me.  I didn't bleed anymore that night or subsequent days and he clung to hope while we waited for lab results, but I knew.  It's been 8 months since then and I still feel just as broken.  Life is going on around me.  I have mostly happy days since I have started the antidepressants, I have hope for the future again, but I'm still broken.  I don't really know where I'm going from here.  We're still not actively trying again yet, but I keep secretly hoping it will happen again on its own.  I already feel a little better just from typing this, but I'd love some suggestions.  My doctor suggested possibly trying and IUI or IVF, but I don't know if I'm emotionally (or financially) ready yet.  Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.