Infertility, Secondary Support Group
"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.
An excerpt from my journal, I think one of the only entries I made. Here it is 8 months later and I am in the EXACT place emotionally that I was then, except now I'm actually considering another IVF cycle (our third, after 7 IUI's). Just thought everyone would find it interesting that sometimes times DOESN'T heal all wounds . . .
" I am a terrible journal writer, and couldn't even get past writing about day 5 of my ivf cycle. Here it is weeks later and basically the latest news is there is no news. I started cramping a few days after a 4 blast transfer and just KNEW it meant those babies weren't staying. Not ONE. And of course the phone call from the nurse "Sorry Cynthia the test was negative". Which I already knew. Meanwhile my son has been praying to God all week to please let him have a brother or sister. He doesn't even care if he has to share his toys. So sad. So that was our last cycle. The pain I experienced after the retrieval this time was overbearing, and I don't think I can go through it again. The ironic part is that we have excellent insurance and can pretty much do cycle after cycle after cycle if we want, but each cycle brings me closer to an OHSS scare, and emotionally the devastation of each negative is becoming harder and harder to handle. All of the support from friends and relatives is great, but it is so hard to tell them I have failed again. I have been doing this for 5+ years, I wear my infertility like a cloak and it just consumes me and has become my identity. I am the woman who cannot bear any more children. I am the woman who is taking for granted the one beautiful child she does have, missing so many little things in my little guy's life as I blindly pursue this dream for us. I am the woman who is bitter and angry and unable to be happy for anyone who may be pregnant. I am the woman who is jealous of the mom driving a carload of kids around to practices, complaining about how little time she has. I am the woman who obsessively searches the back windows of cars to count how many "children stickers" are there, and I am the woman who becomes strangely happy and relieved to see only one sticker. I am the woman who is angry at GOD, who is turning her back on Him because she can't understand why he is letting her suffer. I am the woman who is losing herself in IF."
" I am a terrible journal writer, and couldn't even get past writing about day 5 of my ivf cycle. Here it is weeks later and basically the latest news is there is no news. I started cramping a few days after a 4 blast transfer and just KNEW it meant those babies weren't staying. Not ONE. And of course the phone call from the nurse "Sorry Cynthia the test was negative". Which I already knew. Meanwhile my son has been praying to God all week to please let him have a brother or sister. He doesn't even care if he has to share his toys. So sad. So that was our last cycle. The pain I experienced after the retrieval this time was overbearing, and I don't think I can go through it again. The ironic part is that we have excellent insurance and can pretty much do cycle after cycle after cycle if we want, but each cycle brings me closer to an OHSS scare, and emotionally the devastation of each negative is becoming harder and harder to handle. All of the support from friends and relatives is great, but it is so hard to tell them I have failed again. I have been doing this for 5+ years, I wear my infertility like a cloak and it just consumes me and has become my identity. I am the woman who cannot bear any more children. I am the woman who is taking for granted the one beautiful child she does have, missing so many little things in my little guy's life as I blindly pursue this dream for us. I am the woman who is bitter and angry and unable to be happy for anyone who may be pregnant. I am the woman who is jealous of the mom driving a carload of kids around to practices, complaining about how little time she has. I am the woman who obsessively searches the back windows of cars to count how many "children stickers" are there, and I am the woman who becomes strangely happy and relieved to see only one sticker. I am the woman who is angry at GOD, who is turning her back on Him because she can't understand why he is letting her suffer. I am the woman who is losing herself in IF."
I have been on this infertility journey for 6 years. I have just recently turned to egg donor as I am ready to get out of the limbo stage. You are not alone in your journey. I had everyone of your thoughts at least once this week and it is only Tuesday :)