Infertility, Secondary Support Group

"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.

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Cyncognito 05/09/2009

Has anyone ever declined a baby shower? I never have, except this last one. I have gone to every one of them, never felt the pain of attending, but now I am on year 6 of infertility and it has taken it's toll. In February my neighbor asked me to help her write out baby shower invites for her daughter in law. My neighbor is about 15-20 years my senior, and I know she has arthritis issues so I was happy to help. She was throwing this party in addition to a party the mom to be's family was giving her out of state. The mom to be is a snobby young self entitled bore (am I being too critical?). But still for my neighbor I was willing to help. Throughout the addressing and writing I kept saying "Don't invite me Nancy, I really don't want to go, I don't have the money, I think I have another party that day" etc. I emphatically stated I didn't want to go, that it would be a hardship. I think at that point I realized emotionally I couldn't take it. I was in the process of waiting for my Beta from my second IVF. I wasn't confident it was going to work. As it turns out it didn't. My neighbor had a trip planned within the next week to visit relatives out of the country. She would be returning a week before the shower. We went our seperate ways and I didn't hear from her when she should have returned from her trip. I blocked out the date of the shower, I didn't save an invite for myself, but I know she didn't quite believe me and thought I would still be going to the shower. I wasn't clear enough I guess. I didn't really explain to her the reason why I couldn't go, although she knew about our infertility issues. I decided I should touch base with her, before the shower, and thought to myself that maybe I would go after all. When I called her she was very cold to me, she said she had been back from her trip for two weeks and she and her husband couldn't understand why I didn't go to the shower(so obviously at that point I realized the shower was the previous weekend, not the next weekend like I had thought). She gushed about how many nice presents her daughter in law got, how wonderful the party was etc. She told me her husband was disappointed in me and surprised I didn't go. I felt awful, I have never NOT gone to a baby shower, and this was the first time I put my own emotional needs before someone's happiness, even if it was someone I didn't particularly like. She ended the conversation abruptly and we haven't spoken since. Any suggestions on what I should do? We are friendly, and I think of her as more of a mother figure than a friend, which is why I probably feel like so bad about this. She has always been good to my son, and he likes her a lot. My husband says "scr-w them!" LOL. He is much more to the point than I am. I have since taken a break from baby making and we haven't decided if we are going to try for IVF 3. This has been a difficult 6 years as I'm sure you all can agree, as you are all experiencing it too to some degree. I just never realized how much IVF has impacted my life until it started affecting all my relationships. Any thoughts?

deleted_user 05/11/2009

After the last baby shower I attended, I decided I'm not going to any more until I am ready (i.e., completely done with fertility treatments, at peace with whatever outcome we have). I just think I've been through enough. I think you can only expect so much from yourself and at some point, you have to put yourself first. Suffering through a baby shower and crying your eyes out afterwards (if you're anything like me) can't be good for your mental health or your fertility for that matter. So I think I'm in the same camp as your husband (ha ha!). I do always send a gift in the hopes that no one will be mad at me. But if they are, then so be it, I can't control insensitive people and really don't want to be friends with people who are insensitive. If they are good friends who are worth having around, they will understand.

Actually as a side note, I can share an interesting experience that I just had with one of my pregnant friends. I had actually been avoiding her (we work together) as much as possible because seeing her growing bump/hearing about her pregnancy symptoms was just too much, especially at work where I'm trying to be professional and not burst into tears. Well, she approached me after about 6 weeks of us not talking much and cried and said she missed me and she understood that it was painful for me but that she wasn't going to let this ruin our friendship. She actually agreed to stop talking about her pregnancy around me for now. I feel grateful that she was willing to fight for our friendship and (even though I don't like hanging out with pregnant women right now) I think it is going to be easier to be around her now. I did warn her that if we have a failure with IVF that I might not be OK for a little while and she said she understood. Some friends are the good, sensitive kind and are worth keeping.

deleted_user 05/13/2009

*Big hug!* I think you are valiant for even considering going. I'm sorry they don't understand--of course they don't. But don't beat yourself up for that. Of course IF is taking a toll. I know for me it has forever changed my life. I suppose you could explain to your neighbor a little more that after so many years of IF it is hard to attend public gatherings centered around pregnancy, conception, etc. But then again that is all your private business and you don't have to feel obligated to share all of that. I guess I don't have any solid answers but I do want to say that you are a saint to have even considered it. And just because they don't understand doesn't mean you were in the wrong at all. Perhaps your consistent friendship and neighborliness will help them see in the long run that you mean no bad feelings toward them.

deleted_user 05/15/2009

I think you were right to look after yourself and it's just a sad aspect of infertiility in that not many people understand how intense the emotional side of infertility is. I've written many a post on my blog about insensitive people. These contacts of yours might come round in time. They are hurt for selfish reasons right now. But you gotta look after you - which you did. Good on you. And all the best with everything.

Cyncognito 05/15/2009

Thanks girls. It's nice to see I'm not alone in this. I felt very selfish and juvenile not attending. As a side note I got a call on Mother's Day from my neighbor, we wished each other a happy Mother's Day. I told her I haven't called her because I thought she was mad at me. She said no she wasn't, that it was no big deal. I still felt the need to go on and explain WHY I felt bad about all of this, and that I was having a hard time dealing with the infertility issues. Her response? "Well at least you have one kid right? That's better than none!" OH MY GOD! How can people be so insensitive! That's coming from a woman with TWO kids! So easy to say when you're on the other side of the fence! Anyways, at that point I realized I did make the right choice - and from now on will put myself and my needs first. I'll take my husbands advice. Sadly she didn't seem too excited or happy about her new grandchild, I guess some people just can never truly embrace what a miracle a child is, especially when it happens so easily . . .

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