Hi, I don't know if this will be seen or read, grasping at straws. This jumbled list of facts is part of an 11 page writing to vent to myself. Too long and opinionated to post and not really edited. It's been a month, I have left her alone. I don't know if trying to communicate is good for her or not. I don't know what to say if anything, desperately looking for direction to qualified help. I can answer most any question if it helps to glean info to help her.

In a nutshell,
High School romance
Too many questions about another guy and Gone.
Non committed type meetings over the early years.
High school sweetheart found on FB and the dormant love rekindled. (At least it sure felt like it was in return, I don’t know how someone fakes that.)
High school sweetheart shares all the things from her past no one wants to hear. (starting with father having relations with her from 7-17 to finding out she was pregnant while we were going together due to some problem with her birth control and she isn’t sure if it was his or mine and had to abort, to I doubt very much I’ve heard it all.)
Deal with wanting to run the other way but knowing I am not that shallow and decide we can get through whatever life throws at us.
Accepting her no matter what and proposing marriage to her.
On deck to wait year or more after proposal to be in the same state together.
Can’t wait, change move date to a few months after discussing it with her.
While working to move, hear she got a 3 BR. to live in and her adult children and one of their girlfriends will be moving in to live with us. (did not ask to live in a commune, I paid my dues the 1st two marriages in spades)
Find out no one in the family cares about an even reasonably clean home.
Unable to find work anywhere nearby. Take job 5 hours away.
Youngest son gets kicked out for accusing older brother of molesting him as children. Roommate moves in that is former boyfriend of oldest son’s fiancé and has room 6 feet from theirs.
See my finance a few weekends out of the year.
Lovemaking goes from barely to almost impossible even at a few times a year. (It was also never allowed to even be considered until right before I had to leave to go back near work, already tension, now must carry through weekend and then more or less beg.) For the record, I thought or at least she indicated and said she enjoyed our intimate times together. (outside the fact that whenever she was receiving pleasure and I’d look up, she was glued to the TV, guessing that is/was a coping mechanism but it doesn’t do much for her partner) I also thought that since I stepped out of my quiet comfort zone to the point we could be laughing while making love sometimes due to my determination to keep it light and happy as well as keep communication open that we really had something. Nobody I know of or have known does that, although I hope there are, it felt very healthy before it all went down the tubes.
Deal with her sleepwalking and lying. Finding her in her roommates temp. bed in the living room at 3 in the morning.
Deal with apparent physical changes/feelings she has been with another in my absence.
Deal with her getting wildly defensive of her do nothing, deserves no respect roommate.
Noticing she has completed her BA degree and has been working on her masters but still has submitted only one app. in a years’ time indicating to me she did not want to be with me. In hindsight, I don’t believe she is ready to face the business world and leave her comfort zone. I wish I had not pushed, thought at the time she needed a little. (mistake)
Live in my vehicle for most of a year and a half to pay work back for their insurance screw up and save for a place for us to live. It had to be single story, in the country, allow German Shepard’s and be in a good neighborhood. I needed to keep it under $650/mo., good flippin luck.
Finally found a place that fit all her parameters for at least a great temp. tiny place in the country so she would have a place to stay while going to interviews or starting work and we would have eventually found a decent place in that area.
A few weeks after securing that place she was not due to come down and I had no gas money on that weekend. Mid-day Saturday After I had already started self-medicating with alcohol (not right, just did) she indicated she might be coming down. She in fact arrived around 4 pm. While outside for a smoke she looked in the bathroom window to see me finishing a can of cocktail that was in the fridge and took that to mean I was hiding it from her. I guess I was since it made me feel bad. I had started drinking again due to her increased need for me to see her a few times a year, sit and talk with her while she disrobed and took a bath (and seemed to want to know I noticed her very healthy nakedness) as opposed to excusing myself for a while and then want me to carry out the weekend just being content to be in a room with her, almost every time we saw each other. Drinking made that much easier. Unfortunately, I also suffer from petite and absence epileptic seizures and alcohol can make them worse as well as occur more frequently with or without the medication that comes with many other bad side effects. I should point out she informed me in the re-beginning she had been an exotic dancer for some time. She said it helped her with men. She could turn them on and didn’t have to do a damn thing about it if she did not want to. Kind of what her bath time felt like to me, I never asked to be a customer. The evening of her first and last visit at the my new place in the country, we went to dinner and did a little shopping. All of my romantic gestures, kisses and subtle advances went unanswered. We watched tv, and then she fell asleep. I had not figured out the boiler heater yet and I roasted, she looked comfortable so I moved from the bed to the floor, knowing yet again if anything were to happen intimately it would not be until right before she left and not without begging. I had stayed up most of the night hoping against hope she would wake and want to be close. Did not happen of course and I fell asleep. Early on Sun. I woke briefly to look around, noticed she had no pj bottoms or underwear on anymore, figured I had missed the only opportunity she might actually want to be with me in return and went back to sleep. Later on we both woke up, the day went on uneventful other than she seemed to be recoiling from me more than usual. Finally when I knew she would have to be leaving soon I kissed her softly one last time and said, “I can’t make you want me.” She said, “I’m leaving at 4, do you think you can be done in a half hour?” (romantic aint it?) I said yes, it was easier than getting into a debate right before her 5 hr. drive and homework to do afterward and it was the only way I was going to be close to her for at least another month. We (I guess I mean I) made love to her in the most adoring gentle yet passionate ways I could imagine, made sure she made it to bliss and we quickly said our good byes and I love you so she could go. Normally she would text every morning and after work, then call when home and settled. Eight days of me doing all the contacting and I finally asked what was up. (My appearing to ignore her at all was taken very personally, always.) She said you did something. I can’t talk about it while you are at work, call me when you get home. I spent all day trying to figure out what I could have done wrong. (other than drinking to be around her) She informed me that I had rubbed my member on her bare leg that morning we were last together, she asked me what I was doing and says I retreated back to the other side of the bed and when she came out of the bathroom a few minutes later I was dressed and asleep. I was shocked. I knew the rule. {Her must not break rule is she cannot be touched at all while sleeping let alone sensually} She also said it had happened several times before. What she had described to me was a former, nonverbal less insulting way to communicate with my second wife before she decided to hate me. My ex soon turned that into why my second wife left the bedroom to move into our daughter’s room as if I tried to rape her and it had nothing to do with snoring and her now well documented hate for me and everyone she’s ever known and has now disowned.
She obliterated me from 3 directions at once. My love for her meant nothing and the realization she had managed to fake her love. Two and a half years of making every move toward our being together for absolutely nothing. That she could make me out to be a predator.
It was so matter of fact. It felt like, “You knew the rule, it doesn’t matter if you were sleepwalking with or without a seizure or just having a dream about me, you screwed up and we are done.” (She would also come up swinging if I returned from the bathroom in 30 seconds to the position I had been holding her when we went to sleep.)
I stewed on that for about a week. No word from her, just stewed. I contacted her at the worst possible time at the end of that week. As soon as our discussion (I wanted some answers, I felt I deserved at least that much.) turned to yelling, I went into one of the worst combination seizure and anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced. (keep in mind all work on my part for 2 and ½ years went into being with this girl the rest of my life.) She does not know it but she is the only one of us that truly knows all the hurtful things we said to each other, I can’t remember much except I was mean too and it called for an apology. As it turns out I likely said all the things one should not to a survivor but as mentioned, I was not really there, just bits and pieces.
I wrote an email apology so I could think a little better about what I wrote. Her response was nothing but negative. It started with manufactured things about my previous marriage, went on to say I had used her past against her like all the men in her life, and several other accurate insults and a few other manufactured in her head things.
We have not talked since March 30, 2016. Anything I say gets twisted into something else and escalates her hatred for me. Last I knew she was headed to the clinic because she said she is having trouble being her, nothing I could help with, believe me you’ve done enough already, she said. (Final text) I don’t know if the clinic was for antidepressants or what I was hoping for, a qualified counselor. (I’ve also learned in my research there are precious few qualified for long term incest abuse.)
This is the second time I have been dismissed in 10 years and I’ve only been with the two people since 1987. I am not taking it well. Every waking thought is taken up by this, not even remembering dreams or nightmares anymore as it is my only place of peace I’m guessing. My job is suffering, along with motivation and goals. I am deeply hurt, it doesn’t get better, it gets worse with time. We are still 5 hrs. away, still not communicating, still as far as I know, done for eternity. I was not even given the chance to prevent breaking her rule after the first time, she said she did not know how to bring it up. Being it happened 3 or more times over a few months, I’m having a tough time understanding why if she loved me in return she could not manage enough courage to do so before it drove her to what she calls “Re-traumatized” by me.
I have read some success stories, they are out there, one must dig for them though.
Even with the perceived hate, possible cheating, and the insults, I Love this girl with every fiber of my being. (yes I’m mad at her, actually her father) I would do anything to help her and protect her. I doubt now that I could trust her again unless she found the help she needs. (can’t suggest it, she quit talking to an immediate family member for a year the one time he did) I am at a total loss as to whether or not I could ever help. Any input would be appreciated in return. Thank you for reading.