Our memories play tricks on us it seems sometimes, hey?

I would say that your feelings validate the experience. What is the age difference between the two of you?

I always remember one experience clearly but am not sure if my brother did more things to me or not. Having him come to you naked is sexual abuse in itself, did you know that? I never knew that. I had minimized the abuse and protected my brother. Then when it all caught up with me I had to get help to realize it was abuse. If he hadn't physically assaulted me he still sexually abused me by showing me pornography when I was five years old.

Incest causes confusion on so many levels. I think it's normal for you to be confused about all of this.

Welcome to the group and thanks for sharing. The only advice I have at this time is to start your healing journey by seeking validation, empathy, and support. Whether he raped you or not is something that may come out in the future. My gut feeling is that yes, he raped you. If he didn't, he would have at some point and that awareness alone is pretty scary and something you'd need to explore and heal from.

For me, it's not the physical act itself that was so devastating, it's more the secrecy and the feelings of shame and the feelings that somehow I deserved it. Whether he raped you or just tried to engage you in sexual activity is pretty stressful for a child to handle.

Hugs to you. Be gentle with yourself.

Karyl, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I used to doubt my memories, too. Is it real? Is it not? Of course, I didn't want it to be true, even though part of me knew that it was. But by working on my incest issues, I got better. That was all the confirmation I needed. If it weren't true, I would not get better because I wouldn't have been working on the real problem.

I wouldn't place too much emphasis on whether or not this was "real". If you find out later that it didn't actually happen but that it was something you feared, then you can work on that. Just keep working on your recovery. One day at a time.

Please be gentle with yourself. (((HUG)))

thank you for your comments they mean alot. Samadian, i know what you mean about it not being really the physical act but more just feeling shame that is so devastating. one of my biggest problems that im trying to deal with and is why im not able to heal from this yet is because i can't stand the fact that i enjoyed it and wanted it. i know i didn't want it or anything when it first started but ya i grew use to it and it's just how my body works, that it enjoys the feeling it's how our bodys work but theres just something in me that wont let it go that can't let it go and i forever hate myself for it. LoserGirl, thanks also. your words were really wise and i will keep them forever in my mind.

I am currently living with parents (going through divorce) and it's been hard for me too. I am getting flashbacks every now and then too. They are so real and intense that it seems like it is happening all over again. I too can see my rapist (my dad) in the bed next to me and feel him and feel everything . It leaves me waking up in a sweat and usually crying. I need sort of like a sponser to call when these happen who can reassure me. All I can say for you is that I am here to listen and can totally relate to you with the flashbacks.

My Prayers are with you.

thanks J80Lynn, i might take u up on that listening sometime if that's ok?

Kayrl...I dk whether that happened or not. If I had to guess, I would probably say it did. It would seem unlikely that you would see it so clearly if it didn't happen. Other than the crazy making aspect of not being sure, the real issue goes to the effects of the abuse on you then and now. I think so many focus on things that happened following the initial abuse which I thing is less important. The real damage done is from the initial abuser and in your case the oldest brother. It was "his" actions that changed your life...who you were. What followed how you responded or didn't, who else may have abused you is in the end tied to that first person who abused you and changed the direction of your life. This is not to say, the other abusers don't matter or did't do harm too but it's the original abuse that set everything in motion and did the most damage. It saddens me you struggle so with how you responded after you had been sexualized...the shame guilt and all....even knowing, it's irrational. But this is why I think the focus has to be on who set you up for that guilt and shame....it wouldn't be something you're having to deal with were it not for the initial abuse. I hope and pray that at some point, you'll fully understand that what you "felt" and subsequently "did" was not your fault...your world was changed following the initial abuse and all actions and behavior has been a product of that abuse and how it changed you....it's not your fault. The only shame is on your older brother.

I would say go with your gut feeling. If the flashes are that strong, It's probably true.

And NO- your're not crazy.

thanks everyone