Incest Survivors Community Group
This group was created before there was an actual support group on this site for incest survivors. Most people are already comfortable here, feel free to add your thoughts, questions, and opinions. I'm here for anyone that needs me. -metalheadlxlxl
The last time I was sexually abused was 22 years ago. For many years I just blocked it all out. My life, from the age of 6 to 13, was little more than a blur. No real memories.
I grew up, went to college, and worked for some of the best companies in the US. I was a young professional and seemingly had it all.
Thing is, as the work pressure grew and the intensity associated with being a perfectionist grew ... the cracks appeared. At first I was able to hide it all but after several years the cracks grew larger. Finally, I cracked. Instead of shooting myself in the head I threw away my career and squandered my life's savings on a period of unemployment that lasted several years. I isolated from all of my friends and family. I withdrew into a world of self hate and confusion ... flashbacks and depression. Running out of money basically made me search for employment again ... although the thought of becoming homeless and just living on the streets did cross my mind more than once. An odd sense of bring shame upon my family is what kept me from that end.
I'm now re-employed and have been in therapy for over a year now. That said, my life just seems to keep circling the drain. I've worked and worked and worked, in therapy, on the abuse I suffered as a child but it still creeps up and sinks me from time to time. Lately it's been hard to get out of bed and go to work. I'm not having flashbacks anymore (thanks to EMDR) but the internal thoughts and feelings never seem to go away.
Do you think it ever stops? The thoughts... and fears... and memories? Do you think it ever really leaves us or is therapy just prolonging our suffering? I'm starting to think that it will never stop. That I'll never know happiness or peace. If that's the case, what's the point of trying at all?
I grew up, went to college, and worked for some of the best companies in the US. I was a young professional and seemingly had it all.
Thing is, as the work pressure grew and the intensity associated with being a perfectionist grew ... the cracks appeared. At first I was able to hide it all but after several years the cracks grew larger. Finally, I cracked. Instead of shooting myself in the head I threw away my career and squandered my life's savings on a period of unemployment that lasted several years. I isolated from all of my friends and family. I withdrew into a world of self hate and confusion ... flashbacks and depression. Running out of money basically made me search for employment again ... although the thought of becoming homeless and just living on the streets did cross my mind more than once. An odd sense of bring shame upon my family is what kept me from that end.
I'm now re-employed and have been in therapy for over a year now. That said, my life just seems to keep circling the drain. I've worked and worked and worked, in therapy, on the abuse I suffered as a child but it still creeps up and sinks me from time to time. Lately it's been hard to get out of bed and go to work. I'm not having flashbacks anymore (thanks to EMDR) but the internal thoughts and feelings never seem to go away.
Do you think it ever stops? The thoughts... and fears... and memories? Do you think it ever really leaves us or is therapy just prolonging our suffering? I'm starting to think that it will never stop. That I'll never know happiness or peace. If that's the case, what's the point of trying at all?
with my therapist, we dont talk about the abuse every session, just when it gets overwhelming and unbearable.
When I began this journey, the flashbacks were so overwhelming and they made me suicidal and depressed for months on end. Earlier this year, I had a flashback (I hadn't had one for several years before that). But while this flashback shocked me and surprised me, it was more like "Huh, will you look at that. Isn't that interesting." It didn't put me into a tailspin or cause any disruption in my life.
So, I want to say it is absolutely worth the effort in therapy to recover from this. You can know peace and happiness. Keep working on it. Also, ask your therapist about "brainspotting". It is the latest and greatest form of EMDR. My therapist recently went to a seminar on it and I had one session and could not believe how effective it was. It's like EMDR on steroids.
Good luck and please be gentle with yourself. Hope is a good thing. And you have every right to hope that your therapy will allow you to feel happiness and peace. (((HUG)))
I'm sure that there are many of us here that suffer from perfectionism. That's something that will prevent you from making any progress and its a good place to start. Learn to accept who you are and truly love yourself for it. After you've overcome that hurdle, you may find how easy it is to move forward.
Secondly, take away all of your crutches and try standing on your own two feet. Personally, I've found that leaning on prescriptions/counseling/etc is more of a hindrance than of a help. You're only replacing one addiction for another and sometimes, you're only pushing your problems away. Fill in the holes or gaps on your own through introspection. Its such a liberating experience!
You are the only one that can let you be happy. Try to counter negativity with positives if you start hitting a low point. If that doesn't work- come here and let us give you strength! That's what we are here for!
Never forget, you are loved. I hope you feel better soon.