HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
Recently, somebody referred to me as "Mike Quinlan's wife". I haven't been his wife for over 2 years. I'm not his widow. I am myself. Still, people see me as belonging to him; even though he is gone and the rings are off. I haven't addressed this with anyone but I am certainly ready to be my own person. I honestly thought I was my own person while I was married.
Does it cause problems? Yes. I am not owned by anyone. I am not property.
Here's the debaucle. How do I let people know that I am not "his"? I understand that they are still grieving their friend, sibling, coworker, etc... But don't I deserve my own life? Don't I deserve the freedom to be who I was born to be? Aren't we all His??? Not a person's.
I'm not very good at the widow thing. People often have to tell me how to act as a widow because I don't do it right. I offend when I smile or laugh. I hurt others because I am living my life, building new friendships.
Part of me thinks if I would address this, that maybe the judgement would stop. Another part of me thinks people will judge no matter what.
Any advice or words of wisdom? I was 40 when Mike passed. I've maintained my career and home and raising my child.... Why can't people just say "GOOD JOB!"?
Does it cause problems? Yes. I am not owned by anyone. I am not property.
Here's the debaucle. How do I let people know that I am not "his"? I understand that they are still grieving their friend, sibling, coworker, etc... But don't I deserve my own life? Don't I deserve the freedom to be who I was born to be? Aren't we all His??? Not a person's.
I'm not very good at the widow thing. People often have to tell me how to act as a widow because I don't do it right. I offend when I smile or laugh. I hurt others because I am living my life, building new friendships.
Part of me thinks if I would address this, that maybe the judgement would stop. Another part of me thinks people will judge no matter what.
Any advice or words of wisdom? I was 40 when Mike passed. I've maintained my career and home and raising my child.... Why can't people just say "GOOD JOB!"?
I was 42 when I became a widow 3.5 years ago. I've never heard anyone lately refer me to as "George's wife". I think people may still be used to you being a couple and they don't know what to say or realize what they say is hurtful. I have looking at life from a different perspective from what I used to because I am no longer someone's wife and not part of a couple, I am an individual so I have to be a role mode to my three young daughters. I am in the process of changing my career while working on a new house project for my family. I take care of myself and I keep close to family and friends who bring positive energy into my life. I'm not concerned if "people" don't like what I'm doing or don't agree with my choices because what others think is none of my business. Also, I have become good at saying no when asked to do favours because people think my life should be back to normal since it's been over 3 years??!! I don't need any added stress to my life so I don't take on any more responsibilities.
Antonella
As for me, I was much more active in the community than my late husband during the last ten years of his life - so I didn't have that "identity crisis" when he passed.
I am finding lately that I forget what it feels like to be married, to have been married. I have the living proof of the relationship eating all my groceries, (who knew teens were so ravenous all the time!) but what is it like to have a partner with whom you consult, share, argue, steal the bed covers, etc.
As for how to act - well, tell them to stuff it. Seriously, how would they know how to act, unless they are on the path themselves? Society used to have strict rules (like wearing black for a year, and in some societies, never remarrying). Thankfully, much of that is going by the wayside.
Mel - GOOD JOB!!
xo Jacq.