It has been a while.  As I was driving to work recently I was listening to the song ‘Take It All Back’ by Judah & the Lion (great song and band!) and while the lyrics don’t really speak to this the chorus got me thinking…would I give up my current life to have my old life back?  I’m 4.5 years into my life without Dina.  I miss her every day.  I still hurt and cry.  I never expected this is where I’d be in life right now.  But I’m doing well.  I’m a few years into a relationship with a wonderful woman that I love.  I sold my house over the summer and we moved into 'our house' to really start our (long) life together.  My daughter, now 7.5, is doing very well.  She misses her mother but it’s all in a healthy way.  She is smart, funny, loving, lively and beautiful among many other adjectives (some less than flattering!).  She is strong and resilient.  She has an abundance of strong female guidance in her life, including my girlfriend.  While they are not her mother they are as close as it gets.  The transition has had some bumps in the road, which was expected, but we’re in a good place.  But…would I give this up to have Dina back?  It’s a hvery ard question to answer.  I feel like if I say no then it makes me think I consider my life better without her.  I feel like if I say yes then it makes me think that I don’t value my current life as much as I should. 

I hate that my daughter will grow up only knowing her mother through stories and pictures, without many true memories of her own.  In that regard I’d give everything up in an instant.

While I love my new house and look forward to making new memories there was sadness because Dina and I thought we would be in our home for a long time.  The week of the move was far more physically and emotionally exhausting that allowed myself to believe it would be.  It was hard.  I was there 9+ years.  Sadly Dina was only there less than 5 years.  But it was still our home, the first one we bought.  And the only home my daughter had known. 

I hate that I unexpectedly had to carve out a new life for myself at only 34 years old at the time Dina died.  At the same time, despite the sadness, it has been fun.  It has been exciting.  It has felt wrong at times but I know it isn’t.

I know there is no right answer, and I'm not really looking for any.  It was just something I got thinking about so I was curious what others that have created a ‘new life’ might think/feel.