Not sure how long you have been in your grief or how long you were married, but starting a new relationship is very scary, there is no guarantees in any relationship when you start. After being married for 38 years, I was less critical and had a better knowledge of what it takes to love someone then when I was first married. Sounds like maybe the relationship needs a little more time and communication, if you are insecure there is a reason and you need to search yourself to find out why. Never think marriage will change a guy... even at 60+ they are who they are!!! My insecurity came from my childhood, my first husband helped me get past that and then when I lost him, it came back but I now have more faith in my own ability to love someone and care for them. Go slow but don't doubt yourself and ask do you really need this someone forever? Is he really committed to you and can this love survive when the sea gets rough, because it will! I know there will be a lot of great views for you here, so read each one and decide which helps the most and enjoy life- it is very fragile and short. But remember it can never be the same as it was before- that has been the hardest part for me to accept. Bonnie

Thanks so much! I was married 17 years to Brad and he was the love of my life! My first marriage ended in divorce after 17 years! What is it about 17 years? lol All kidding aside what you said is so very true! It can not be the same but it can be good! I just think I need to slow down and really figure this out! Thank you Bonnie!

Hi Jonimb, I too feel insecure and it does relate to past relationships. I don't know this new person very well yet and so am not secure in how much I can depend on him or what he is really feeling. I guess only time will tell. Every time I feel insecure or upset I stop and ask myself if I am being reasonable in this particular situation or is something from my past amplifying my emotions. Most of the time its been me and the past baggage.
I have to laugh at your note about 17 years. For me its the number 13. First marriage ended in divorce after 13 years. Don and I were together 13 years when he transitioned. Current fellow's birthday is on the 13th. Major life events have often happened on the 13th. There are some other examples but I cant think of them right now. Seems among everything else I am getting forgetful too! ~~Cheryl

i think slow is the way to go once we lose our loved one and start out new. I have seen and i have myself tried thinking 'ok, he is the one' quick to love but in reality it does not always come with that ease and pace.

lots of second guessing can go on when we have not dated for long period and have experienced so much pain.

i think a certain rebuilding and shaping your life can help before going 'all in' with a new.

that being said, there is much joy in just going day to day

Rochelle is right. One day at a time! Acknowledge the insecurities for what they are and then focus on something else. If you enjoy him, then acknowledge that too with a smile and a thankful heart! Nothing to fear in this new life, except fear itself!
Every day presents its own problems. I too have been hijacked by insecurity and thoughts! But I've found that I can choose the direction my mind goes and my body will follow! (And my heart!)
Going out for a walk can do wonders! Be blessed!

Wow! Thanks for such wise words from y'all! This is such a safe and wonderful place to share all! I am going to take it one day at a time and enjoy the beauty! There is so much beauty that I have not been looking at!

Slow is much better, to get to know someone's "Real" them, and if they are understanding, and compassionate and really are falling for you, they will wait for you, and go the slow walk with you, and not against you, or for himself as a selfish want. its normal to have the fear of abandonment, or feel insecure. When we lose our spouses, it's so hard to trust, or believe there might be another true/or real love...take your time, and if it doesn't feel right, then go with how it feels, and slow down, or write down, what you are feeling uneasy about. Communicate with him, how your feeling, surprisingly he may be feeling that way too. Much love and big hugs carla

I think that we wear rose coloured glasses in sinking new relationships. Not towards the new relationship but rather the former. I think that we base the new one on where we were on the former one and forget to go back to the beginning to when we first met our loved one.
I think that if I was to meet someone now, I would feel uncertain of a new relationship (no so much insecure) as it's hard to predict where things will lead. From the start of our relationship I got to have 25 years and a few months with Howie we were at a great place in our live together when he got sick and passed but it took a lot of learning to get there. The first part of our relationship was definitely a time of wonder and insecurities, a time to learn to trust . It is what most relationship that are worth having are built on. The difference now is that I am no longer the young and immature 23 year old and I have gained better communicating skills. I also have changed my priorities in life and have a better perception of what is truly important and what does not deserve to waist negative energy on.
You mention that your special someone has never been married before but it does not mean that he can't be in a committed relationship or understand being part of a couple if he has had long term relationship. Since this is so new, as others have said, communication is the key. Honest communications will serve to lay out your fears and also see where he is coming from. It will also serve to see if you are better off as just friends.

I will say this, you are on this board because you already have learned that in life, there are no guarantees and that no one can predict the future. While investing your love into another relationship might be the scariest thing ever , ask yourself this, "Would I rather have the relationship with possible pain in the future but an incredible adventure in the meantime or would I rather play it safe and miss out ?"

Losing Howie has been a very painful event but those 25 years, I would not trade for anything...

I am really sorry you are feeling insecure about your relationship. You probably sense something in his demeanor that made you concerned.....
Relationships have a tendency of turning a "me" into a "we , especially when it the very first relationship that follows the loss of a spouse.
Don't lose yourself in a relationship before you built a solid foundation.
You mentioned that you were friends, and it was a very nice trouble-free relationship. Maybe pressing him into "couple" mode before he is ready caused his reaction that made you worry. Let it unfold at a comfortable pace, without labeling it "couple" but set up boundaries if you are close/intimate.
Detach yourself from your other half once in a while;doing things on your own, and being available 24/7. Never lose sight of who you are and what would make you happy with or without that person in your life.
Lastly, never make someone a top priority who thinks you are an option.....
The best of luck.
J

correction "not being available 27/7"