Ok this is my own opinion so please take it for what it is and with a grain of salt...When you say that you felt hard for Brad and did not worry about the what if's , you were younger and had the mentality of one who has not gone through the devastating blow that losing Brad must have been.

Now while you say that you are not afraid of loosing Steve, you have to realize that giving your heart once again might , at some time in the future , have you having to pick up the pieces. How can we now wonder and play the what if's game??? When my hubby was around , plans made sense as we were making them together. Now my life seems to be "what ifs" . Because we have experience the darkness, we are aware that it exist and can come at us again.

The thing is about experiencing "the darkness" is that it has giving us tools to cope and no matter what the "what if's" we will come through the other side in the end. In my opinion , after going through what we have gone through, it is the normal thing to experience "what if's" with major decisions.

Again this is my 2 cents wort and my opinion, I am not a therapist or a medical professional but I am someone who has experienced "The darkness" and can voice my take on it.

Best of lucks , keep the communication open with Steve and tackle those "what ifs"...

xoxo

Wow! Thank you so much! It all makes sense doesn't it? Only someone who has been there would know! Hope you are doing well my friend! All we can do is hang in there and live again!!! ❤

Glad I could shed some light of sort on your situation :)

You've got this!

I lost my husband three years ago, and remarried last July. I am very happy, and am so thankful for this wonderful man in my life. Life goes on, and the trick is to take all those wonderful memories you shared with you late husband and tuck them deep inside your heart. Good luck to you, and enjoy your life.

Oh thank you for the lovely words of encouragement! There is hope!

Well, I am just over four years now. A year ago I fell in love with a widower who was just reaching for his first year. He is reaching for year two now. Anyway, it was too soon for him at the beginning of our relationship but he was not saying that at first. I should have realized but I was just so blinded by the love I was feeling. Anyway by the time he realized he was asking too much of himself too soon...well it caused some problems because things were progressing and suddenly it all came to a screeching halt. I was devastated. But as time has rolled along I did realize too much too soon and so we had to back up and restart. It has not been easy. I am one of those people who just pushes for what I want once I know what it is I want. Its really hard for me to back up and settle down. Patience is not one of my gifts. So my impatience has created problems along the way. Questioning this relationship? Oh my yes. And why wouldn't we? We are not young anymore. I am 57 he is 64. Everything is different at this stage of life than when we fell in love with our spouses so many years ago. We are not mentally, emotionally or physically what we once were so long ago. There are many considerations and one of them being, will I be left alone again? Can I take it, can I handle it a second time? For me I know I can but I have seriously considered if he could. Am I being fair to him? Maybe a friendship only relationship would be best for him. Since he is having such a hard time with his grief, maybe he would not be strong enough to handle it a second time. He seems so strong but in this I am not so sure. My thoughts are, when you love someone, you love them. The grief is going to be there whether your married, in a committed relationship, or friendship only status. My thoughts are when you love someone you are in it all the way for all the good, bad, beautiful and ugly. So its not always easy with constant glorious days full of peaches and cream. Some days its getting pissed off and stepping back to get a handle on the feelings of the moment. Some days are a lot of work and few tears. But then there are the wonderful days where you are laughing together and feeling all of life is at your feet and its there, right there in front of you, within reach in all its beautiful glory. How special and wonderful it is to spend time with someone who truly cares for and about you. Someone who is beginning to know you even better than you know yourself. A wonderful soul who is just such a treasure to know, such a blessing to love. Well, I don't have to go on, you already know these things. But in short answer, its normal and okay to question.

So last night Steve told me he needs a break from me and I should just leave him alone? Wow! Where did this come from? I am hurt and sad. He said it is not over but he needs to be alone right now? I went to my therapist today and she said this is a good thing. It does not feel that good. She says it is because I am speaking up and asking for what I need. I guess better to find out now before we get married but it still hurts!

Perhaps he is also asking himself questions. I know this hurts. I have been on the receiving end of a conversation similar to that. It could go either way. He may think it through and be more certain and resolved than before or he may say goodbye altogether. The thing to keep in mind is that you are okay whichever way it goes. It doesn't feel okay but you will be okay. Hey, you have already survived the worst, the death of your spouse. If Steve does not cherish and love you the way you deserve then it is best you know now. The timing stinks of course. Grief will mix with sorrow and feel like a double burden. You can and will survive should he walk. If he comes back then your union will be even stronger.

Love this reply! Thanks to all for such sweet loving and honest advice! Thank God we have each other! ❤

I appreciate your comments onebrokenheart having fallen head of heels and been rejected. On top of grief it can make you pretty crazy. I have to think like you and know that either way I will be good! ((Hugs))

I have been amazed at what I have survived. I find that i am one strong cookie. Maybe a little crumbled around the edges and a suspicious chunk missing but still here! We are all strong for we have been to the edge and back. We who have suffered greatly are ultimately blessed for we know the true beauty of love, the depth and yes how it has sustained us all these many months and years past our loves departure. Anyone that doesn't value that isn't anyone we need in our lives. Hang on everyone, it's a bumpy ride but we are going to get to our destination!

Well we went to dinner and talked! I have asked for what I need in this relationship which believe me is not always easy because I do not know! I am such a different person now and I am trying to find my new normal. I asked Steve what he needs and really listened. We both have some things to work on but at least we are both willing to do that. I spoke my truth in a kind loving way from my heart. Darn it is so tough sometimes isn't it? But when it feels good it is really good! We are all mighty strong as we are making it!!! I can not thank y'all enough for being there for me❣

Yahoo!! He came back and talked!! Girl, he is a keeper if he actually talked about real stuff and listened to what you had to say too. I am so happy for you!

Oh thank you! My sister and even my daughter said move on but I just have to agree with you that he is a keeper. He does listen and does make changes! Not as fast as I would like but at least he is willing! Thank you for the encouragement!