HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

373 Members

1,289 Posts

0 Online

mel40 05/26/2014

Time does change things. Following Mike's death, I didn't think I could be alone. I felt the deepest loneliness I have ever experienced. I thought I wanted to be married; be part of a couple... be in love.
It's been over a year. I get what I need from friends. I now enjoy being single. Doing things alone. Making decisions by myself. Sleeping alone.
I would live it all over again with him but I can't seem to find a place in my heart that says I can't live without someone.. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. I can live without him. I don't think I even want to get married ever again. I enjoy my home, my quiet time, my freedom and my space.
I guess this comes as a surprise following that desperate mess that I felt after Mike died. I am happy being single. I don't need someone to grow old with or be in love with. I don't even want it anymore.
I still get jealous of couples growing old together from being high school sweethearts. But I can't have that and that's ok. Starting at 41 with someone just wouldn't be the same.
So, there is happiness, there is peace, there is comfort and it doesn't come from another person. It came with time.
Now, it's time for me to start planning the things I want to do. 1 year. 5 years. 10 years.

Parmela 05/26/2014

I'm so glad you've found peace within yourself. That's what's important. You are a wise woman to know and understand yourself so well.

mel40 05/26/2014

Had to add this!
http://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU
"Let It Go" frozen- the movie.

kynessie 05/26/2014

I'm at 3 1/2 years and I too enjoy living alone and having my own space. I don't plan on remarrying. I'm planning several little trips for myself that some may find really boring (been told that by some) but they don't get what big steps some of the things I do are. Only those who have gone through it can understand what it takes to embrace our new normal. I prefer the word contentment to happiness and I can honestly say I am content. I hope that you can say that as well. Good luck to you.

Nessie from KY

LostAndFeelingAlone 05/26/2014

I'm only 16 months in. I am just starting to find that I can enjoy life alone. I must admit, there are days that I wish I had someone, but they are getting fewer as time moves on.

Shrn 05/26/2014

I'm glad you are finding peace within yourself. Until you reach that level you truly have nothing to give to another person. It's so hard to tell someone that, but once you reach it you know. Just keep the door open, but only let the special ones in. Hugs, Sharon

rochelle1466 05/27/2014

I agree with this. Its the inner peace that comes first and then the contentment of having or not having someone in your life. In the first frenzied months that can sometimes come of wanting to fill a space, we cannot see it. Some time later it begins with spending time within oneself. That is what I found about at 18 months or so. That i felt fine with me. I feel fine with dating as well. I enjoy it, but i do not look eagerly toward remarrying. I do love who i am finding now. I have much balance now as time as gone on and i can see 3 years from here and i am way different than this time last year or so much the year before. so, its nice to see your growth Mel.

paljoey 05/27/2014

Hi Mel! More of a reader than a poster but had to reply that I agree with your post 100%! It's been 19 months for me and I have found peace, happiness and contentment being with myself.

mel40 05/27/2014

Amen!

Comfortablynumb 05/28/2014

Over time on this site, I learned that if a person had a solid foundation prior to his or her loss, that foundation as force of gravity will stop the pendulum swinging back and forth.
Building a new single but balanced life, with someone in it or without, takes time.
Wish you the best in growing, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier.

lrs55 05/30/2014

Very much agree with all of you! I am finding that just living life is a good thing--even though many would find what I do tedious or boring. I am finding that I can be alone and work on my farm and be OK. Of course I have my grandchildren nearby who visit a lot and my parents as well, but as you all know those are not the relationships that we think we need to be fulfilled. I am not closed to a new relationship in the future but am not inclined to seek one either. If it happens, it will have to just happen on its own!

Cjjalone 06/01/2014

I haven't been on this site in a little while and just checked in tonight. Your comment so hits home with me right now. I have been keeping company with someone for several months-yet find that I am having the same feelings that you are. I have gotten comfortable with my own life- and all my friends and family. Sharing a relationship with someone is starting to feel confining. I would do it in a second with my first love, but not sure I want that again. Maybe this just means that my current companion is not right for me. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there for me.

mel40 06/04/2014

For me, it was difficult with Mike but different. I have a confidence that I didn't have before. I have metel that I didn't have before. There is a toughness and grit to me that wasn't present when I was 19 yrs old. Sometimes, I question my feelings but I think it's very important to be objective. I'm not 19 yrs old anymore. I've cared for a dying person and faced death like I never could've imagined. It's not fair to compare one love to another. No person can compare to another. But, I've found contentment in life. I've found security in being single. I take care of my home and my child. I overcome fear, depression and anxiety. I am grateful for what I have.

sandeestttn 06/15/2014

Truth is... 16 months here. I love living alone. I have had male suitors, but I run them off. I love my own space. I don't like people in it. I no longer feel lonely. Even on a sad day like today, I did just fine. I am nicer, I laugh a lot, calmer than I have been in many years. YES... I think I have made it through he storm, and came out the other end smiling. Sandee

mel40 06/16/2014

Yay Sandee!

dl1959 06/18/2014

I think we have find that peace and balance first and then who knows what God has planned for futures. Got to be happy with ourselves,I'm finding that peace also.

Join the Conversation