HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
As I was reading a recent comment on HH, I was struck by the phrase 'starting over.' It kind of hit me square between the eyes. (First, I would like to state that it is for this very reason that I am so grateful for DS and HH. We challenge one another with our insights, comments, and experiences. THANK YOU ALL.) Now, back to the reason the comment stopped me in my tracks. I guess I never thought any part of this forward journey as starting over. Yes, life, for me, includes another dimension—loving someone else after my husband's passing—but as I reflected on every aspect of my new relationship, starting over was not on my list.
As Dan and I had many heart-to-heart discussions about our future, we agreed that we would not just be a couple, we would be a party of four: he and his wife, me and my husband. A different future, yes; a different life, maybe; just the two of us, no. Speaking simply—we are a grouping. I met my husband when I was 14 and married at 17. So many of my likes and dislikes are because of his influence in my life. Dan and I discussed this at length, and we are on the same page when it comes to this issue.
I would be very interested to know how others feel about this. Are Dan and I the odd men out because of intertwining our past marriages with our future plans? Very interesting topic that never surfaced before—starting over versus combining. Would there be—or has there been—complications if doing so? I would like to be more specific: (1) enjoying time together and then bringing up the subject of your spouse, either by way of an occasion shared or something he/she said; (2) pictures, memorabilia, or items connected with your spouse displayed or utilized, if needed; (3) expectations placed on your new person that you once took for granted with your spouse; (4) speaking freely with children about Dad/Mom in front of your new person; (5) places enjoyed (restaurants, etc.) with your spouse and now revisited with your new person (does it make you or your new person uncomfortable?); and/or (6) is there a problem with jealousy (I was recently asked this question)?
I'm taking this opportunity to piggyback on the comment about starting over to glean from those who have already crossed that bridge. Blessings to you all, and thank you my fellow DSer for your reply that sparked my curiosity on the subject. TJ
As Dan and I had many heart-to-heart discussions about our future, we agreed that we would not just be a couple, we would be a party of four: he and his wife, me and my husband. A different future, yes; a different life, maybe; just the two of us, no. Speaking simply—we are a grouping. I met my husband when I was 14 and married at 17. So many of my likes and dislikes are because of his influence in my life. Dan and I discussed this at length, and we are on the same page when it comes to this issue.
I would be very interested to know how others feel about this. Are Dan and I the odd men out because of intertwining our past marriages with our future plans? Very interesting topic that never surfaced before—starting over versus combining. Would there be—or has there been—complications if doing so? I would like to be more specific: (1) enjoying time together and then bringing up the subject of your spouse, either by way of an occasion shared or something he/she said; (2) pictures, memorabilia, or items connected with your spouse displayed or utilized, if needed; (3) expectations placed on your new person that you once took for granted with your spouse; (4) speaking freely with children about Dad/Mom in front of your new person; (5) places enjoyed (restaurants, etc.) with your spouse and now revisited with your new person (does it make you or your new person uncomfortable?); and/or (6) is there a problem with jealousy (I was recently asked this question)?
I'm taking this opportunity to piggyback on the comment about starting over to glean from those who have already crossed that bridge. Blessings to you all, and thank you my fellow DSer for your reply that sparked my curiosity on the subject. TJ
1) Bringning up former spouse: Stephen comes up very naturally and often. I don't dwell on him, but freely share memorires of things we did, his habits.... just about anything. Jerry NEVER mentions his x-wife if he can help it. This bothered me at first until we talked about it.... Because of what happened in that marriage, he questions whether anything that happened between them was real. The fact that I talk about Stephen doesn't bother him at all. I've come to the conclusion that in some ways divorce is worse than death. I get to keep my memories and love...... he doesn't.
2) Pictures, etc...... I don't have any pictures on display. It just doesn't feel right to me. I do have other things of Stephens on display and things we bought on our travels together..... again, Jerry isn't bothered by any of this.
3) Expectations..... I reallly thought I would have a problem with this one, but don't! I find they are such totatlly different people that there just isn't anyway I can compare one to the other. What I have had a problem adjusting to is expecting Jerry to react to a given situation the same way Stephen would have. I know how to react to Stephen, I'm still learning with Jerry...
4) Yes, I speak freely about Stephen in front of my son. Just isn't an issue.
5) We don't go to many of the same places.... because we live a totally different life style. Again, just not an issue.
6) Jealousy: For him no...... for me, in the beginning, yes. His X was really pretty, tall, thin, etc. And because she ended the marriage, I wondered if Jerry would go back if she beckened...... It took several months for me to realize that just wouldn't happen. .... and to gain confidence in our marriage.
I don't think I would say I"m starting over.... more like I'm starting down a new path.
Scary sometimes!!!!
To me, starting a new chapter in your life with a new person does not in any way erase the history you had with your deceased spouse and most especially when there are children. The children are a continuation of that union. However, I think that part of falling in love with a new person is a way of starting a whole new chapter of your life. You are not starting your life over, because that is impossible, you can not erase what you have lived nor can you have the past be part of your present. Life can be less complicated if we choose to live in the moment and enjoy each moment for what it is or complicate our lives by trying to incorporate the past into the present -- In my mind, I can't conceive of how one can live that way -- I don't think you can have it both ways. If I decide to enter into a relationship, I will commit myself to the new relationship with the understanding that I have a son who will always remind me of my husband and all that we lived together. As I said before, my past can not be erased, so the memories of my husband will always be with me but I don't have to have a 3rd person who did not know my husband be part of it -- those memories belong to me. I'm not exactly sure what you really mean when you say, you will be a party of 4??? In any mature relationship you should be able to talk about your past without any apprehension -- and I think people do. With all due respect, I don't understand why would anyone attempt to live a new life if they are not willing to leave the past where it belongs -- in the past. If you are in love why not surrender your whole being to the LOVE you feel for the new person in your life? Maybe I have a different view of death which is; my husband has transitioned to a new life in the spirit realm and his connection to me is spiritual and ethereal in nature and I'm here on earth to continue my earthly journey and that does not mean that he needs to be omnipresent in everything I do here on earth -- quite frankly, I don't think the deceased have any opinions of what we do here, they don't approve or disapprove of anything -- that's all in our head! My mission is to live the best life I can on my own terms without the shadow of my husband's, for lack of a better term, ghost -- All the questions you asked overwhelmed me --- the answer to those questions should be evident -- nothing from the past should matter in the present -- it's a new chapter and you can write it in any way you want -- Make it about you and Dan, you are the only ones living in the present. I don't profess to know what's right for you or anyone else for that matter, but I have very strong views on love and relationships -- to me, true love is an ALL or NOTHING proposition! Blessings! Connie
We both talk about our previous life openly. We ask questions about them and share the fun times we had when they were here with us. Yes, there's a picture in our livingroom of Don and me with our two children. There is also a picture of Art, Pat, and their family. They are and always be part of us. There are pictures of us together. In some ways we have moved on, but not by erasing tbe past, but by embracing it.
There is no jealous feelings of our original spouse. We appreciate them for who they were and their influence in who we have become through knowing them. Sharon
(1) enjoying time together and then bringing up the subject of your spouse, either by way of an occasion shared or something he/she said; ~
Not a problem with Joe & me...it happens often, and is not awkward for either of us.
(2) pictures, memorabilia, or items connected with your spouse displayed or utilized, if needed; ~
Pictures are put away...other memorabilia items are openly displayed, and practical items are used [Snake's tools, Barb's small kitchen appliances, etc]
(3) expectations placed on your new person that you once took for granted with your spouse; ~ sometimes it gets in the way...more on my part, than Joe's I think...I tend to forget that my rural/farm/country way of life is new to Joe...lol...and I get frustrated when he doesn't pick up on things that need to be done to keep things going smoothly...
(4) speaking freely with children about Dad/Mom in front of your new person; ~
I speak about Snake freely with my girls, my friends, my family...because he was a part of their lives and we share many of the same memories of him...Since Joe relocated, I've not been around his family/friends that he & Barb knew...but I wouldn't have a problem with him talking about Barb, if were to be around them.
(5) places enjoyed (restaurants, etc.) with your spouse and now revisited with your new person (does it make you or your new person uncomfortable?); ~
Joe & I attend services at the same church Snake & I attended, although the church's location has changed...and our favorite restaurant was also Snake's & my favorite place to eat out. We spend Christmas with my best friend, who happens to also be married to Snake's youngest brother...it has never been awkward.
(6) is there a problem with jealousy (I was recently asked this question)?~
No, not at all...we have nothing to be jealous of...we understand that we are together only because of circumstances over which we had no control.
We have not 'started over'...we have simply 'moved forward'...
~E~