HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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Cjjalone 03/16/2014

I am just past 13 months, and I am living and breathing again much better. I enjoy my work again and find happiness in life. I socialize frequently with friends, enjoy time with my family, and have even started to venture carefully into dating a bit.

Yesterday afternoon I was working on fixing my driveway from the melting snow and mud mess. I needed a rake that was in the pole barn. I opened the barn, turned on the light, and was just hit full force with wrenching grief. I have not been that torn up in months, and was just drained for the rest of the day. The problem is that while I have made the house more mine and more comfortable, the pole barn was his. So many of his things have not been moved- only because there has been no reason to do so.

I thought I was past this difficult place. I guess I thought I was doing better than that. Or, does this happen to everyone else too? And will it continue to happen? Anyone share.....

I have thought that when Spring really arrives, I might think about arranging the pole barn. Maybe put things away some and put things the way I need them.

I am expecting a calmer day today. As always, thank you all for listening and being here. Hope everyone's day is a happy one.
Cindy

Meboysmom 03/16/2014

You are so not alone. In my first years it was constant. I couldn't go into my husband's music room, the tack shed or the work area in the garage without suffocating pain. I felt like a yo yo . Now 7 years later the panic is gone but I have moments of intense grief. You will be surprised by the little things that will trigger the pain and loneliness. I have remarried and no longer live in our home which I thought would solve it all but it hasn't. Have hope it does get less intense but for me I will always miss the wonderful marriage I had to my best friend. We are changed forever but survivors and we can go on and do great things and share the love we had with others. Hugs and prayers.

Shrn 03/16/2014

It has happened to me and it will continue only with less intensity. I don't know if it's the intensity that diminishes or we gain the strength to live through the memories. Either way it improves so that is good. I remember having to park the car after seeing a couple on a motorcycle to cry my heart out. We loved riding with our retired friends. Last summer my daughter and I were on our yearly vacation and I sW an older couple getting on their bike and I just stopped and smiled, emotional tears close to the surface. We chatted with the couple and my thoughts were of my loss. I was able to appreciate their visit. Sharon

papagena 03/16/2014

Yes, I do understand what you mean, even though I don't know what a pole barn is. But I know that there are some places we find difficult to go to or some odd things which trigger our tears to flow, without warning. I am sure it is normal and you are not alone.

Like you, I am at 13 months and I know within the next two or three weeks I will have to tackle our little summer house in France. I have not been back there since my husband died so, as I feel a bit stronger, I am driving off tomorrow and will confront the elephant head on. Could be a disaster but I roped in my old mother to help me get rid of all of his summer clothes and books he left over there some 18 months ago. I am going with plenty of tissues in my car. I know I have to deal with our summer house, it is tiny but there're many happy memories there. I could not have done it last year but I need to attend to it as soon as possible.

Longer term, I hope just the good memories will remain.

Big hug to you.

gerald222 03/16/2014

I am at about the same length of time as you. I find the triggers are much further apart now and generally dont last as long. Some however do have a tremendous amount of intensity to them. I think because we have lived through so many of them we just let our bodies and emotions do what they need to do. Overall sounds like you are progressing very well. Gerald

Cjjalone 03/16/2014

A quick update. Church service this morning was so just for me. Message, God is a Healer. But He doesn't always heal. The part that was for me is to have Faith that if He does not heal, then I need to believe in His love and that He has my back. Tough morning- but good. I wanted to share the timeliness- even though I know everyone is in their own place in faith.

For papagena- A pole barn is just a storage building that is on the property built separate from the house. Most often just used for storage and workshop. So, for me, it is filled with his tools and things that he valued.
No pole barns where you are must be lol.

And thanks for the comments and hugs- always friends. Cindy

Cjjalone 03/16/2014

Papagena-
Best wishes to you as you tackle your summer house.
Hope you can focus on the good memories there - and smile with the tears.
Hugs back to you.

papagena 03/16/2014

I think here they call them sheds. Pole barn sounds much grander, I might use it instead (even though I haven't got a shed now) at the risk of course of not being understood ;>)

Thank you for your message, we will make it, you'll see.

alliepoo 03/16/2014

I feel the same every time I enter my husband's shed. It was his domain with tools, golf cart, fishing stuff, his boat etc. I have tried to do a little cleaning and clearing out, but it is very emotional and overwhelming as it is so much stuff. I am in the south and we can it a shed here too. ;). I will continue to do a little at a time, there is no rush. I do want to use it for more storage though.

lrs55 03/16/2014

I live in Idaho so I know what a pole barn is! Yes, those are the places that I have the most difficulty with as well. There is nothing consistent about it either. One time I can walk into one of his buildings and not notice anything, then the next time I just get a stab in my heart over something that triggers a memory. Another time that I noticed affecting me was shopping in some stores--like farm stores and hardware stores. I guess it is all just part of grieving since so many of us are going through it. I don't know if there will ever be a time that something doesn't trigger an emotional response. There were so many things that we all shared with our spouses that brought us joy that we have to expect these times to happen, I guess.

deleted_user 03/17/2014

I am at 2 years and 3 months since I lost my husband and there are times when something will be said or a picture will be seen and I have those moments of absolute despair and grief, missing him more than I could ever have imagined. But those times are fewer and fewer and while I miss him every single second of every minute of every day, I am moving forward and beginning to start a life on my own. I wonder when I will be able to remove his clothing from his dresser, his hats from our bedroom wall, and his clothing and shoes from our closet...

mel40 03/17/2014

I am at a year. I have a feeling that without help of some kind, it will continue to happen over the years. I think it's ok to feel it, now. It's not as difficult as it was in the first few months. Also, now it passess rather quickly. Back then, it was a constant state of being. It never let up. So, this is actually good. Perspective....

Joely 03/17/2014

Cindy,
You are certainly not alone in this! It happens to all of us........it does occur less often as the years go by. The first and second year are the hardest. As the 3rd year settles in, something will still cause tears and the grief hits again ~~ thankfully, it doesn't last very long. As the years speed along (and, believe it or not, they do), those moments become further and further apart. Most of the time now, I may have a slight stab of pain, but, usually, this turns into a smile as I remember ........ Occasionally, there will be a few tears pop up, at specific times or places. Those times are seldom now, though, and I am thankful for that.

I will always love Joe, and will always miss him, but, time and grief work has helped me tremendously. Those feelings are now part of my heart and not as close to the surface as they once were. Time helps.

Hugs, Joely

Caroline04 04/01/2014

You may not always be reduced to tears as time passes but you will be be reminded and thoughts will fill your head. It takes time. It actually took me over three years, so it sounds like you are doing fairly well. One positive thought here is as time passes, not all memories will be sad and you will remember good times too!

barbarame 04/02/2014

It is all going as one might expect. In time you will know how to feel up to changing the function of that area - maybe you have a hobby where you can make use of the space? But don't put a time on if or when you should do that.

Girldawg1 04/02/2014

The reminders will always be there, and sometimes it just hits us in more of a profound sad way as our minds dwell momentarily in those vivid memories. Those recollections will remain alive with us, as we see them in our minds eye often when we look about the house or property. There will be things they left, still sitting where they last used it, something they made, or maybe a piece of clothing sits on a hook. A degree of comfort exists too, as all of it is tangible evidence of a life we shared. Some days are just better than others.

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