HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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tcw1964 10/06/2015

Hi

I lost my husband, Tom, suddenly,2 1/2 yrs. ago, at age 48. We had a good marriage and I will always love him. I have been dating someone special, Jay, for over 1 yr., and we are very happy together. A friend of mine has organized a reunion of our college friends, to honor my late husband. I only see most of these friends every 1 - 2 yrs. I feel that if I bring my new love to the reunion it will be frowned upon, and these friends will also feel awkward (they are so used to seeing me with my husband, not Jay). While Jay and I are very happy together, my family and some friends are having a hard time with our relationship. It is as if they have branded me a scarlet woman, and that I am being disrespectful to my husband. I miss my husband more than anything, but he is gone forever. Jay and I are so happy together, I don't want flack from others to taint our happiness. I'm afraid to subject Jay and our relationship to scrutiny, as he has brought me so much joy after the loss of my mother, husband, and in-laws in the past 2 1/2 years. How do I manage this?

regwin 10/06/2015

I'm happy for you and Jay. I hope you enjoy a wonderful future together. I tend to think it might be best to follow your intuition and go to the reunion on your own especially since it has been organized to honor Tom. Please don't let friends and family take away the joy you are having with Jay. They are not walking in your shoes. I found it is possible to love two people. The one who is here and the one who is not. You will always have your memories of Tom. Without Jay you would be a very lonely sad women. You deserve the happiness that has come into your life. You must be very special. Enjoy the reunion. Dolores

donnalovestodance 10/06/2015

Hi I also think you should go to the reunion with your new love honoring your past husband. I think friends should consider your feelings and what you went through. They should share your happiness that you are not alone and that your so happy and in love. I'm already on dating sites and i just had my husband pass in august. Some of my friends think its to soon to start looking for replacement. My husbands passing was sudden also. I want to make friends and live life. Everyone has the rite to be happy and live.

jeanatds 10/07/2015

I would say if you only see the college friends every couple of years, Jay could sit this one out given that it's to honor your late husband. I just wouldn't feel that strongly about acceptance in that situation, but the family and friends you see on a regular basis certainly is a different matter. You are not being disrespectful, you're surviving and thanks to Jay even thriving. If anyone would wish less than that for you, ask them why. Easier said than done, right......

tcw1964 10/08/2015

Thank you so much for your responses! It's so good to communicate with others that can relate to what I went through! I have decided to go to the reunion without Jay.

jrp32079 10/08/2015

I'm on a similar timeline as you. My wife, Dina, died 2.5 years ago and I've been in a relationship with a woman, MB, I love for a little more than a year. So I understand where you are coming from. I would just say trust your gut feeling. If you feel comfortable bringing Jay then I would say bring him. If not then I'm sure Jay would understand. Also, does Jay have any feelings one way or the other? That could make a difference. I've been fortunate in that I've received mostly support in my new relationship. Even Dina's family has been very accepting and welcoming. MB was invited to, and attended with me, Dina's cousin's wedding back in August. And she has been invited to an upcoming birthday party with me on that side of the family. My feelings are to think about your happiness first. I have made a few decisions based on potential feelings of people that I'm very close to but otherwise I so what will make me happy.

Shrn 10/08/2015

I would talk to Jay and see how he feels about going with you and would he be comfortable there. Don't worry about how others feel. Do what makes you and Jay happy. Sharon

tcw1964 10/11/2015

Thank you everyone.I think I am going to go it alone.I'll let you know how it goes.

Parmela 10/12/2015

I may have missed it, but was Tom friends with these people as well? He's been gone 2.5 years and they want to honor him now? Why now?

Perhaps you should ask a couple that you are closest to, how they would feel about meeting Jay. Personally, I'd question how good a friend is if they have a problem with you being with someone else after 2.5 years. Family, I can understand........especially Tom's family.

My feeling is, your loyalty now is to Jay...........

deauxgirl 10/13/2015

Since the whole reason for meeting up with these friends is to honor your husband, I think Jay should take a pass. It's great you are in a loving relationship, but you both should have outside interests too. You can mention to your friends that you have been seeing someone and maybe the next time, they would like to meet him. I have being seeing someone for 4 years, and it's still a bit awkward with friends and family. I was with my husband for 40 years, so they aren't used to it.

Paula

tcw1964 10/14/2015

Hello Everyone,

I feel that the evening is more for the others than for me. 2 of the couples I see fairly often, the other 3 couples only every 2 yrs. or so. One of the couples I see often is spearheading this event. Jay doesn't really want to attend, and I am okay with that.

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