HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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Cjjalone 05/03/2015

Some thoughts on my mind lately that I hesitate to share anywhere else. I think friends here will understand me and not take it the wrong way.

I loved my husband with every cell of my being. We had 31 years together, and I miss him always. But, I am finding now a difference in me and my daily life. I choose to go where I want to and stay or leave at will. I decide any changes to my house or property. I make all my own decisions on purchases or gifts to family. And it wasn't that I couldn't do those things before- but a marriage means two. I am an adult on my own, and it is different.

However, I do not want to get set in my ways only. I want to be open to sharing again and compromise. Those were good things.

Also, I realized that I now keep busy with activities that I did not do before. On my own, of course, I spend more time with other friends. But it seems that I am choosing to do things and be involved in things that we would not have done together. I wonder why I didn't do more of this before? And, I wonder if he would think now that I have changed on my own?

Maybe all of this is just me figuring out life on my own. A process. I do not discuss these thoughts with friends and family around me. I would hate for someone to misinterpret my thoughts to think that I am happy without him. What I wouldn't do to have my old life back. But we know that doesn't happen.

Thanks for listening and not thinking wrong of me.
Cindy

Meboysmom 05/03/2015

I think that you are on an awesome track! I focused my whole life around my first husband, the re-married after my husband was gone 3 years thinking I was not good alone (which I am not) but there are times when I wish I had waited and did a few things I want to do and worked harder to adjust to being a widow. I too would give anything to have my old life back but my new one is wonderful, not perfect but good!! Enjoy your search for who you are!

Jacuzzi63 05/03/2015

Hey Cindy... Gerry wrote about this exact thing a couple weeks ago; finding himself, figuring out who he was all on his own, trying new things he never thought he would try before.
I think that is all part of our journey - rediscovering who we are as one, before we were two.
I always have to consider the kids in all my decisions, and at times it's tough being the only grown up in the house. But, I do enjoy that when I make a decision, I'm not contradicted, nor do I have to argue my case!
I want to date, enjoy the company if another man...although I'm tempted to stay very single, just so I don't have to compromise.

ramar 05/03/2015

Cjjalone.. I liked your "random thoughts". My husband I would give the world to have him back but now it's just me and I am learning to enjoy that aspect of my new life. Some things like doing the finiances I wish he was here to do, he would know exactly when a payment was due or a paymant should be added to our account. Me I don't have a clue, when they come in the mail I add or subtract as necessary. But we were always together and he liked his privacy and just "us". Now I am going places with friends and doing what i enjoyed but didn't do because it couldn't involve him or he didn't like doing it.. ie riding my horses. He was afraid of them and I haven't ridden in over 4 yrs. Now ride every day again.
I miss cooking the bigger meals, I eat what ever is available, I miss having him to converse with, now it's a conversation in my mind as to if he would approve or disapprove of my choices.
Life is still pretty new to me being alone, I miss my husband a lot but this new life is ok.
thanks for posting I totally understand what your thinking is.. Terri

sassiesoftail 05/04/2015

Wow Cindy I couldn't have said it better. The weird thing is that I have been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months and he just asked if I would move closer to him. I asked if he was okay with me being around a lot more and as it turned out the only apprehension he had is that he was afraid of losing his me time.
I believe every body needs me time so I don't think there will be any problem with that,
Hugs, Sandi

deauxgirl 05/04/2015

When I was married, I had no "me" time. My husband wanted me to spend any time I had, left over from work, with him. He did love me very much, but was also insecure, and not trusting. I have found a lot of things that I enjoy doing, and just told my sister, this weekend, that my husband would never had gone to Jazz Fest, like I did. First it would have been the money, he was always worried about money and second, he wouldn't have liked the crowds. I went one day alone, and one day with my sister and her husband. I enjoyed myself, but it would have been nice to have someone to dance with. Maybe one day.

I do think, we evolve into our own. Without their death, I'm sure we would still be doing the same things with them. I wish that I could have enjoyed these things with him.

Random thoughts are always the best thoughts.
Paula

Shrn 05/05/2015

Love this topic and it's wonderful and nothing to feel bad about. You have become a person on your own and that is great. I was always his wife and the children's mother first. I worked full time once the children were in school, but family was the priority. With them grown, it was our time. Never my time, and I loved it that way. I wouldn't change a thing, but I also can't and won't go back. I am happy with me. Having Artie to share that is wonderful. I truly believe my husband is proud of who I am. And I believe that they celebrate our growth. Sharon

jeanatds 05/06/2015

Understand completely and feel the same way. Old, old life isn't an option and the way you sound and the way I feel is old life now was the suffering new widow that I outlived and outgrew, and thank goodness for that. It seems natural that choices and activities reflect your preferences, but how wise you are to appreciate compromise. I bought a house my husband would have not even remotely considered. When I figure out some of the not so obvious down sides, like wow, not much area to move snow to, I know he is chuckling and I'm better than good with that, that makes me smile. To family and friends, you are trying to move away from your suffering, not the life you had with him.
Cheers to you Cindy.

mel40 05/07/2015

It is a beautiful feeling and scary at the same time. I remember feeling the same way. And there's no need to feel bad. You have a good attitude and it will serve you well. I also believe that we have to become individuals before we can offer "ourselves" to a different relationship. I remember dating and still feeling like a wife.

kynessie 05/11/2015

I feel weird telling others that I am content with my new life and that I do not need anyone to complete me. I've never lived alone until my husband died 4 years ago and I really like it. My way all the time. I would love to have my previous life back, but that isn't an option. So I had a few choices which are be miserable and exist, be okay and exist, or live and enjoy my life. Brian would want me to enjoy life like he did. I can't imagine looking for another relationship and I felt that way shortly after he died. My life, my choice.

Nessie from KY

sandeestttn 05/11/2015

I love this topic! I really like making my own decisions. I lived alone a short time, for some reason, people keep moving in, and don't want to move out. lol It took a while to find myself, but I found, I really like me. I look in the mirror and that ol lady follows me around. I am still looking for that young girl I lost...lol

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