Good Luck to you, keep us posted and be careful...HUGs...Lin

Couple of things. Men from out of state try to get you to talk to them and get you to care about them. I would only have conversations with men in my area. After a few emails back and forth, if they don't want to meet for coffee, then they are serial online daters. I don't get why, maybe they are married, but beware. Protect your privacy until you know them better. You can email on the site, no reason to give them your email or phone number. When you are ready to talk, call them, and block your number until you are sure it's ok. It's just some things that people on here and me, have had problems with. I wish you well and don't be afraid to make the first move and contact someone you think you would like to know. You just need to make friends right now, so don't get nervous about meeting people.

Paula

Yep. Already gave out my email and cell #! Ha ha! The guy gave me his address and full name and job info. Ok, so I checked him on FB and I'm very familiar with the area. So.... We will see. It's time for me to make some single friends. What do you mean serial online daters? I don't even know how I'll be, but I'm sure it won't be the first guy I meet who will sweep me off my feet. But, maybe we can talk and I can learn how to get out a little...

You'll do fine.

Mel, I'm concerned. I don't want to offend or undermine your decision. I fully understand your trust in your very good friend. But.........
Has she gone through grieving for a lost spouse?
Is she professionally able to advise you on this, despite her good intentions?

We often say how family and friends can't understand our emotions. It's very true.
Your loss is less than a year and your lonely, easy pray for scammers as well as you are very intellegent you don't have the ability to objectively make this type of decisions without emotions clouding your judgement. I am not a psychotherapist, nor am I capable to say you are or are not ready for this step.

I am, however, a widow for over six years and on this site since 2007. I have seen wonderful happy relationships develop in that time. I have also seen disasters. Which one is in your future, if any I can't predict, but you need to realize that a new relationship good or bad will NOT change or cure what you are going through. It complicates grief because another set of circumstances with decisions are involved. Keep your thoughts of opening yourself to new friends and supporters not serious relationships if that is possible. My fear is it may not be possible at this time.

I'm sorry......I care. Sharon

Oh! I'm not looking for a serious relationship. I'm just meeting people. Friends. I struggled with becoming single after being married for so long. So, I've enlarged my friends to include other single people. I've made new friends with other widows here. I signed up for a singles meet up to take dance lessons and broke my ankle, so i haven't been able to attend. I think I will be ok. I'm too screwed up for anyone to handle in a serious relationship. I'm just looking to go out and meet friends.
Great advice! Thank you! At some point, I want to be comfortable being around single men. I don't have the protection of marriage anymore. So, I'm figuring out how to handle myself, so to speak. New world, same person. And I don't want all my friends to be widows. You know what we would talk about..... I keep most of my old friends. Husbands friends too. But, again, guess what we talk about.
I'm broadening my horizons. In 2 weeks, I get out of the boot. Then I can go to the dance classes. It's not for dating, it's just to get out with other singles.

I admire who Sharon, our leader, does it, always with compassion, depth, and a light touch.
Risking sound too preachy, I just want to help you to see your actions and your thinking from another perspective.
Without a doubt, we all deal with numerous issues that surround the loss of a spouse, they are plentiful and complex. Even more complex, when a grieving widow/er not only dealing with his or her own pain, but also required to think how to help children cope with a parent's death. Your children inevitably look to you, a surviving parent, for guidance and support during this difficult time. Their world was turned upside down, and they look up to you for reassurance and security.
Everybody is moving through a profoundly emotional period in different pace, but when a newly widowed is expressing a sense of urgency to enter a dating scene, it strikes me as impulse for an escape, panic, compulsive obsessive thinking.
I am not a therapist either; yet my thoughts are based upon considerable personal and professional experience and insight. I believe you have your doubts that getting entangled into a relationship is well-timed, and it is sensible to add this into your and children’s life so early after the shock and trauma.
But if you try it, be utmost careful, because you are more vulnerable , than you think.
Wish you all the best.

disregard "who" before Sharon, it was sleepy mid night typing...

You are right...

I can only say what my experiences have been. Its now almost 22 months for me. So, say at 5 months or so, I was talking to a guy i met at work (he did not work there) we exchanged numbers. I instantly thought he understood me just because we went on a few good dates and it was easy to talk to someone. At that point i was living totally alone with my daughter at college. i evidently was much more lonely than i cared to admit (and at age 45) and so off it seemed i jumped and 3 months later it took alot for me to get rid of him, once things started to wake me up, Thanksgiving was to come around, anniversary, my own moodiness. I was still seeing my grief counselor at the time...so, needless to say...it ended. I do not regret that really, we talk from time to time. so for some months at least until a few months after the one year mark i got into 'me' alot! more therapy and more into my daughter..who by now is 21 and back at home. I tried online dating and can get what Deuxgirl is talking about serial online daters. i emailed back and forth with someonen i thought was really cool and he was so seemingly thinking the same thing...we talked on the phone...and met once and talked some more, made plans and then one day after a nice text i never heard from him again. so again, I am currently NOT online dating or anything....still not regretting the experience only understanding I was and am not experienced at this dating thing...many of these men are very experienced and our status 'widow' made mean 'target' to them. Its about being careful, and tough as well. I know Mel you said you are not 'dating' only to meet friends. I also know your BFF has encouraged you to get out there and do it and says it can be good. Just be careful, its fun getting swept into it. Its also good to remember our emotions are not like that of a typical 'single' type. I do wish you the best of luck and of course, all of us experience different things and i have seen some great relationships form since i have been on DS. Best wishes with whatever you do, you are super nice

Thanks Paula, Rochelle, Sharon. I'll keep working on me. I'll be careful.

Thank you for the replies. I did some digging in my soul and realized that I'm just trying to "feel better". Always seeking and searching for that elusive cure to this. So, I take advice and suggestions. Yesterday, I allowed my spirit some rest and realized that I AM acting desperate and desperate I am NOT. I can find happiness within. I can be patient. I can be me. I can grieve and tackle those firsts. Only by allowing myself this freedom to grieve can I truly "date" anyone. If I force it, then I am not "there". They would have a broken shell and would constantly be picking up the pieces or complicating what my soul is trying to do. I'm glad I have found this peace. I probably wouldn't without your responses! So glad I found this answer.
Yours truly,
Not so Desperate dead Housewife :). (Love that show! Makes me laugh)

I love what you wrote Mel! This past weekend I did my own 'reboot' as I let everyone know. I put my phone on do not disturb and journaled and got in touch with me and what i want. i am still where you are....on any given day and i just need to get it.....and its 21 months for me....it feels like patience must be key. Perhaps we are to be patient with ourselves.

Mel, you mentioned that you are not looking for a serious relationship just to meet people; if that is your intention why not go out and join a group that you are interested in. I'm part of a running group, yoga group and my church. This is where I get out to enjoy the things I truly enjoy and meet people with the same interests with no pressure of dating. I think the comments made by others of online dating are valid.

Hello,

I really think you ought to be very careful. I have had friends who have had really bad experiences with online dating and they were not at all vulnerable. I was at 4 months yesterday and reading your posts looks like you are at 5. My judgement is all over the place and I swing from one extreme to the other - I really couldn't imagine letting strangers into my life at this point. Keep busy with your good friends at this time - you don't need outsiders who don't understand you and can't even empathise with you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't eventually branch out and meet new people but maybe take time to find yourself rather than rushing into a relationship or even dating - why online dating what's wrong with meeting same sex friends.

I am 34 and haven't thought about whether I'll date again or not! I tell my single friends that you need to be happy in your own life before you can even think of getting involved with anyone else.i thought this long before I met my fiancé ad it holds true, especially now. It must be hard having been in such a long relationship but find who you are first then think about meeting someone else. You'll only end up with someone who takes advantage of you if you rush in when vulnerable.

Please be careful.

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