HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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mel40 08/30/2014

I don't get it. I mean I don't understand myself. I was with my late husband for 24 years. I met him at 16. He's been gone about 18 months. At first, I wanted a new relationship. I wanted to remarry. I wanted that BADLY.
Now, I don't want to get serious about anybody.
I wonder if there is something I am failing to understand about myself? Am I choosing like you choose between chocolate or vanilla ice cream? What tastes better right now?
At times, I let my mind wander to the fantasy of having another love. I try to stop myself pretty quickly. My heart beats faster, my soul lifts, but, right now, it's not in the cards for me. Fantasy is fantasy and can lead to disappointment.
I have a boyfriend. I can't go past dating with him. He is 43 and too unstable in life, for me. 2 divorces in his 20's. one grown child. No pictures in his house. Actually, he only owns a couch and an air mattress. Sorry, but that gives me an idea of how grounded he is.
Anyway, I'm not even sure about wanting to date. I don't think I want to. I think I want to fly solo for a while.
But then, those fantasies pop up in my head and I have to ask myself, " Mel, do you even know what you want?"
And then, I need to make a decision. Date? Or not to date?

Caroline04 08/30/2014

I don't know why we feel the need to make a decision on whether to date or not- there is no time frame, no due date. It' s far more important to get our heads straight and be capable of making clear, rational decisions either way. Otherwise, we may regret some of our choices. My advice to you is don't be in a hurry. In time, things come into focus and we are confident and sure the decisions we make are right for us.

nowjustme 08/30/2014

Just let it happen, what will be will be. I felt like you did in the beginning, I wanted someone in my life, but now I am not so sure. Do I really want to go through all the stuff again? The arguments, the bad times, all the work that goes with it? I just don't know. Date, have a good time and if its meant to be it will be.
Don't rush you have the rest of your life to decide.

kynessie 08/30/2014

The way I see is that love for me was very different at 17 than at 50. My husband and I worked hard to get to the lifestyle we enjoyed. We started with little between us. We built this house and purchased everything in it together. I have chosen not to date. For whatever reason, I'm just not interested. I'm more interested in learning to live alone. What I have discovered in almost four years is that I am content alone. I'm not scared living alone and there is something to be said for doing whatever you want, whenever you want.

My parents are actually worried that I will meet someone out of loneliness and they are afraid I will take up with some bum who sees what I have and tries to take everything I have or have me support him. I'm not that kind of person and I respect my late husband too much to let that happen.

On a lighter note, I think I would actually have to go somewhere to actually meet someone. I go to work, go to the grocery store once a week, and then I go home. I'm pretty boring actually and I am content with being boring.

Nessie from KY

cleodoggie 08/30/2014

I really want to know when you are widowed why people expect us to find another man. I wish people would let up and let me make the decisions about this. I can't tell you how many times people have asked if I found a new man. It just makes me feel that Jim is disposible. If I find someone fine but please don't push me.

mel40 08/31/2014

Yes, Cleo.
I broke up with my boyfriend today and my friend is already trying to set me up with someone else. A bartender. Ugh!
I want some time alone...
To be me.
You are right, if we are with someone, it makes other people feel better.

Parmela 08/31/2014

I'm not sure why you feel you have to decide one way or the other? Just enjoy being you and living your life.

Who knows, while living that life, you may stumble across someone special......or you may find you're perfectly content being alone.

mel40 08/31/2014

I am content being single. Sleeping alone, waking up alone, spending time with friends, my kids, other family. I have a full plate! And don't need the complication of "trying to make something work".
I am happy with everything that I have. I am happy with the marriage I had. We made it to the death part.
I am in a very different place in life too.
At 19, I had very little to risk. Now, I have ALOT! I'm very content with what I have.
I believe that every person I meet is special. Some become great friends. But I'm not looking to build a life with anyone. I did that. As a young woman. (Now if I could just get this house paid off!)

Sara59 09/01/2014

Nessie, I'm with you. I'm glad you said what you did. So many people are asking me what my plans are. I don't want to say, to be left alone, because that starts a whole new dialogue. They get on the, oh you don't want to be alone, it's not good for your health, your mental well-being etc. I can't stand to hear another story about someone's aunt so-and-so dying only a year after her husband. Hello, I'm still here. I don't want to be left alone for ever, but right now, I think it's the best thing for me. They claim they are concerned, but I think they are just being nosy. I'm not a helpless flower, I can figure out what's right for me. I don't want to tell them to go fly a kite, because I've burned enough bridges in my time, but taking care of my parents, my husband and children, and everyone else who needed an ear and a shoulder to lean on, really did sap the "me" from my life. Cultivating relationships to replace the ones I no longer have is just not my top priority right now.

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