My beloved husband Frank passed away almost three years ago.We loved each other deeply and unconditionally. We were inspearable, spent all of our time together and were compatile in every way with the exception of his love for football.  I have no regrets, noo guilt and did everything in my power to care for him when he was ill.  I wore both of our wedding rings for two years and also went to grief counseling on a weekly basis.  After coming to the realization that we wanted to grow old together and that I am still a young 59, I forced myself at the two year mark to take off our rings and go on a dating website hoping it would help me along with my grief. 

I am very independent, never had children, am  capable of dong anything I put my mind to doing, work part time, etc.  In other words I don't feel I need someone in my life but would like someone in my life so we can grow old together. Many of the men on the dating website said they are afraid of widows because they think we will compare them to our late husbands. I am not one as I think that would be unfair. With that said,  I want to be able to openly talk to a potential partner about my beloved husband but I can tell that some do not feel comfortable when I even mention Frank. After various meet and greets, I keep adding to my list of deal breakers. I also decided it would be best if I met a widower because we would have that in common from the get go. I also feel that some men who are divorced are what I call "love phobic" whereas those of us who have lost our spouses and who had good marriages, embrace love.

Someone else on this website wrote about how she was devastated after being dumped by her very first first date. I had a similar experience but it was with someone whose values were not in line with mine yet I found myself willing to compromise. I eventually came to my senses but now I won't even go beyond a first date if there is a hint of something that may even require a small compromise.  I am  off balance emotionally and wish I could pick up where Frank and I left off. I have no patience when it comes to the amount of time needed to develop a future relationship. Frank and I married three months after we met and we had a wonderful marriage (minus his obsession with football). We just knew we were right for each other but things seem to be more complicated now.

I see all sorts of obstacles or are they excuses based on my fear of losing someone again be it to death, divorce or just rejection? For one I am not the same person now as I was when we married. I have a great part time job that I love and that I will not give up for anyone unless they were able to fully support me in the lifestyle in which I am accustomed to living and that I am able to provide for myself by working. On the surface that sounds very selfish but I feel vulnerable from a financial stand point and cannot afford any mistakes nor can I start all over at my age. I didn't work when Frank was very ill for 5 years and had to cash out my retirement so I am starting from scratch. I never had children so I am also petrified of not having enough money for my long term care needs . After taking care of Frank and seeing the financial sacrifices that we willingly made I just cannot go there again either for myself or my future spouse. I do not want to be in that situation nor would I want to put a future spouse in that situation.  I refuse to be at the government's mercy for help when I am old and vulnerable so financial security is very important.

The other challenges are the logistics of merging two households managing finances, moving, buying or selling homes. I am finding that when I go out on a date I want to get all of these issues out of the way on the first date and it scares the crap out of guys (rightfully so). I feel like the clock is ticking and time is of the essence so to speak, pressured for time and I was never that way. Don't know how to wrap my head around all of this. Has anyone else felt this way or figured this out?