HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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deauxgirl 06/03/2012

Well, as most of you know, I've been seeing someone for around 7 months. The problem is I never really see him, but maybe once a week. Sometimes I think he just sees me, to keep me hanging on. I saw him Thursday night for Chinese and a movie. I had dinner with friends last night and he had his AA meeting. Hadn't talked to him since Friday morning. He sent me an email last night, saying how good the meeting was, that he was going to his Mom's for lunch and a birthday party in the afternoon, and it looked like a busy week. That he needed to take a week off. Not likely, he owns his own business. I just felt he was making excuses for not seeing me and sent him an email, that I hoped I wasn't feeling like an obligation to him.

Well, I've decided I'm going to date other people. I'll see him, whenever he has the time, but I'm tired of waiting on him to make the time. We've never said "I love you" and he said he doesn't want to be married. I think I do one day. I'm trying to work on myself, by taking the empowerment classes from the Meet Up groups and I'm going to a wine tasting Friday with a group from "The Law of Attraction". I'm not into playing games, but I think this might be a way to see if we are meant to be or not. Maybe he needs the time to himself, maybe not. I hate feeling needy and don't want him to feel he has to entertain me. So, I hope I'm making the right decision.

Let me know what you think

Comfortablynumb 06/03/2012

I think your intuition serves you well.
Seems that it is not quite commited attitude on his part, which makes it unbalanced if you are thinking about him as exclusive.
Waiting around is not a good idea, simply because time is a precious commodity. More importantly, is being in this role can negatively affect your self esteem.

I commend you on being wise, and guarding your interests.
Hope it is for the best.
Keep us posted.

jillieg 06/03/2012

I think you are making a great decision. I had decided from the beginning of this dating thing that I was going to be up front and honest immediately and if I didn't feel a mutual giving on both parts, then it was not meant to be. I think you are right in your thoughts about him just keeping you hanging on...and you are worth much more than that! If he can't see what an awesome lady you are, then I say keep looking! And if it was like this from the start of your relationship, then that tells me he isn't too much on the committment front.
Not that I am the oracle of all advice...but I just think about how I would feel...Rob and I have already talked about being committed to each other and it's only been a month...but I don't want to lose any of the blessings of being with someone who loves me...so if it's meant to be it will be...
and you are right...you shouldn't feel like he has to "entertain" you! he should just want to be with you...
yes, you are making the right decision...who knows where Prince Charming may be hiding! hugs, Jill

deleted_user 06/03/2012

I also think you are making the right decision. If he really wants to be with you, he will make the time and not leave you feeling like you are not a priority. You deserve better. I think it is great that you are doing things with other people. Like Jill said, you never know where your Prince Charming may be hiding.
Hugs, Diane

deleted_user 06/03/2012

So sorry Paula - you deserve better. I remember wanting to be with Jerry all the time and he with me. We grew into me going shopping, and him grabbing the remote - but that was after 39 years!

You need passion, and fun, and stimulating conversation and....cake. You don't start off by being comfortable - you need sizzle. No wonder you are beating me at Words With Friends!

Seriously Honey, you deserve the best. Don't settle.

OnMyOwn2010 06/03/2012

If the relationship is feeling lopsided, or unfulfilling, or less than you want it to be, then you are doing the right thing......like Vicki said, you deserve the best. Don't Settle.
Blessings & Hugs, ~E~

Shrn 06/03/2012

I am in total agreement with your decision. Being happy can't be on hold. Start now. Sharon

deleted_user 06/03/2012

I think you are making a Fabulous Decision.
Wishing you all the best
Hugs, Cathy

deauxgirl 06/03/2012

Well, just talked to him, and I think he was thinking about it too. He said he had been meditating this afternoon, trying to come up with a solution. He knows that he wasn't spending enough time with me and he knew it was hurting my feelings. I told him I was going to date others, but don't have anyone in mind. We are going to still see each other and I have a date with him on the 16th for a concert. I told him, this is good for him too, the pressure if off of him, trying to find the time to spend with me. We talked about our emotions and trying to figure them out. I told him I was hoping to figure it out through this class and he wants me to share whatever I find out. I know why I've blocked my feelings, due to my marriage and he thinks his is because of his drug use, way back. I think we both need work on feelings. As I was crying, I told him, I'm not really an emotional person.lol

I talked to my Mom earlier and she said it was good for me to date others, because I wasn't getting any younger. Isn't she sweet.lol Well anyway, I'm not going to get on the dating sites right now. Maybe later.

deleted_user 06/04/2012

Well, sounds like you handled it really well by communicating what you were feeling, and you left the door open Sweetie. I know that having DS really helps, because we learn to express, and sort out our emotions. You did, and he listened - that's great. He's probably going through something similar with AA. The old cliche --- life is a journey, not a destination.

My Mother, may she rest in peace , would have said something like that. Just tell her that yeah, you are getting older, but you are more grown up too!

Hope today is a better day - I KNOW you will have cake.

xoxo Vicki

Parmela 06/04/2012

Good decision and I'm glad you talked.

jillieg 06/04/2012

glad you talked to him about it and that he heard you. that's important...enjoy each day you have together and keep on talking! hugs, Jill

deleted_user 06/05/2012

Paula,

I think you are a wonderful and very wise woman. I am sure he appreciated your honesty and I think that is the only way to continue a relationship.
If and when I meet a man, I would pray I'd be a big priority for him to want to spend time with me and I would hope to feel the same thing towards him.

I wish you JOY!!
Hugs, Linda

deleted_user 06/05/2012

Love what Marti said. Sometimes we just need to be heard. And Paula, of all the people here at DS, you are one of the most put together people. I love your insight and suggestions. You are a strong woman with the power to do anything you want in this life. Hope things get better for you now.
Hugs
angie

RRA55 06/05/2012

Paula,

I think you are one smart lady. From everything you have said here you have given this all the thought he and your situation deserves. You know what they say, set it free and if it comes back? Can't say it any better than all the other's here, you deserve the best and only your heart can tell you what and who that is.

Sending you good thoughts for a beautiful future,

Robin

BotsBushBaby 06/06/2012

Ditto to what everyone else has said - cant add a thing to that except to say I agree with the decision you have made and with everyone's comments.

Good luck, Paula - Mr Right WILL be just around the corner and then you will be so glad you made this decision..! :-)

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