HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
I realized this morning what this entails... Having purpose, having fire, gusto and courage.
About a year after my husband passed, I reflected and realized that I had been surviving and grieving. I had given myself permission to grieve (whatever that looked like for me) and try to maintain a life for my family, without crumbling. I found that I had maintained my security, but couldn't feel secure. I didn't feel solid and faith that everything would be ok just didn't feel like faith that everything would be ok. I wanted a change. I got tired of feeling afraid and worried. I purposefully stopped my efforts to live life outside of survival and made a plan. I asked myself "what do I want? What will give me more security? What do I need to change?"
I decided to go back to school. I decided to try online dating. I decided to open my heart to someone else. I made a date to execute all of this. January 1, 2015. Scared to death of failure, I engaged myself. I still had the difficulty with concentration and lacked faith in myself. I figured if nothing else, I could at least maintain survival until my daughter graduates and then I could figure something out at that point.
It was risky. Paying for grad school when I barely make ends meet now. Meeting new people. But I was determined to make changes in my life. I could fail in both areas. I had to accept that failure was an option and I may have to live with emotional consequences afterward.
I didn't count on success. Over the last 7 months, I have finished 3 grad courses with a 4.0 and I am now engaged to marry. I have a best friend who I can count on. I am no longer afraid of failure as I understand that it's an opportunity for me to solve a problem and not a devastation. I had focused so much on the bad that I overlooked the good many times.
I write this as a reflection of how I looked outward at life and when I decided to take a great risk on my outward life, it changed me inwardly. I feel the good stress again. I feel the peace of loving just for loves sake. My family, friends, people I come across and most importantly ME, all deserve my entire heart's capacity. I feel capable and culpable and I face the day with laughter and hope.
It hasn't been easy but the change that occurred within was so necessary for me to begin living again.
About a year after my husband passed, I reflected and realized that I had been surviving and grieving. I had given myself permission to grieve (whatever that looked like for me) and try to maintain a life for my family, without crumbling. I found that I had maintained my security, but couldn't feel secure. I didn't feel solid and faith that everything would be ok just didn't feel like faith that everything would be ok. I wanted a change. I got tired of feeling afraid and worried. I purposefully stopped my efforts to live life outside of survival and made a plan. I asked myself "what do I want? What will give me more security? What do I need to change?"
I decided to go back to school. I decided to try online dating. I decided to open my heart to someone else. I made a date to execute all of this. January 1, 2015. Scared to death of failure, I engaged myself. I still had the difficulty with concentration and lacked faith in myself. I figured if nothing else, I could at least maintain survival until my daughter graduates and then I could figure something out at that point.
It was risky. Paying for grad school when I barely make ends meet now. Meeting new people. But I was determined to make changes in my life. I could fail in both areas. I had to accept that failure was an option and I may have to live with emotional consequences afterward.
I didn't count on success. Over the last 7 months, I have finished 3 grad courses with a 4.0 and I am now engaged to marry. I have a best friend who I can count on. I am no longer afraid of failure as I understand that it's an opportunity for me to solve a problem and not a devastation. I had focused so much on the bad that I overlooked the good many times.
I write this as a reflection of how I looked outward at life and when I decided to take a great risk on my outward life, it changed me inwardly. I feel the good stress again. I feel the peace of loving just for loves sake. My family, friends, people I come across and most importantly ME, all deserve my entire heart's capacity. I feel capable and culpable and I face the day with laughter and hope.
It hasn't been easy but the change that occurred within was so necessary for me to begin living again.
Paula
My fiancé told me that he and my oldest son talked recently and my son told him how much I changed since his Dad died. I'm calmer, not as easily shaken, happier and more secure. He told my fiancé how I would get riled up in the past and he's telling the truth. Now, I dodge drama like a bullet! And every failure is an opportunity for growth rather than a sentence.