HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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in all seriousness....

mel40
mel40
I have a question. A little background. I am 41. Widow since March 24. Tried online dating for a second, around June. Met a widower from another forum September 3, after deciding I would wait until the 6 month mark for dating. Seriously, that messed with my head. He is 6 years older than me. Lives in Germany. One week after talking to him, flowers were delivered to my house. October, my birthday, a beautiful necklace was delivered to my house. Two hearts, one inside of the other. A week later my daughter received a necklace declaring "you can achieve what you dream. Believe." Halloween, more flowers were delivered. Last week, he told me that a bottle of French wine, chocolate covered strawberries and cheeses were on the way. This morning, I found the fed ex slip. sigh. He is way better at this than I am. We talk every day. His bday is Dec 2, and I haven't a clue how to handle that. He has plane tickets and will be here, in my town, Dec 27. (yes, I thought this was a good idea.) He is bringing his 20 year old son, too.
Anyway, my question. He has commented about holding my hand and kissing me when he gets off the plane. I envision me gnawing my arm off or doing a back bend to keep my lips as far away as possible. Just trying to work through all this as best as I can. WILL that be my reaction? Or is it just in my head? I know some of you have had physical contact with the opposite sex and are still breathing. Conjugation is not an issue. We have already discussed that and if I can't envision myself holding someone's hand, then that is WAY off in the future... maybe.... and he is accepting of that and very supportive.
I would appreciate your input.
I can hold friend's hands and hug and kiss friends. I actually enjoy it. Sigh. Why would I consider losing my own arm if he holds my hand? Is it all in my head????
Trying to think through now, what I didn't think about then....
cathylynn58
cathylynn58
Maybe you aren't ready for more than friendship?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Though there is no one timeline that fits all, I know for a fact that I was not ready to be with anyone else that quickly. I *thought* I could handle it after a year and a half, but found I couldn't. This dating thing has caused me so much confusion and heartache that I don't even know, after over 4 years, if I want to even try anymore to meet someone. We all long for that comfortable spot we had with our spouses, but sometimes I wonder if that is what we are longing for and not a comfortable spot with someone else. I'm to the point that if it happens, it happens, but I'm not actively pursuing anything right now. Right now, I'd just as soon continue fostering dogs! They give me no problems. lol
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think that you need to listen to your instincts. Are you ready for a new relationship? I do not think that he is better at this then you. He seems to think that he can win by sending gifts to you. For his birthday I would send a card.
Before going to the airport, ask a friend to go with you . If this is not possible .Tell the friend where you will be and that you call at a certain time. If they do not hear from you then they need to call you.
I would also let him know that you do not feel comfortable with physical contact at this time and this means kissing.
You never know this maybe the person for you. Take precaution and try to enjoy yourself.
TC0112
TC0112
The issue of making sure you are ready for a new relationship as others have mentioned is one issue, but your friend from Germany is a little over the top (controlling) with the gifts and I would be cautious. It is also forward to think someone would want to kiss and hold hands with someone they have never met in person (especially in front of his son). You may not have a physical attraction to him and it would be awkward. I would let him know that you want it to be more organic and the intimacy will come when it feels right. You want to protect yourself emotionally and know more about him (make sure not married). I don't mean to be a downer, but I see red flags and you are vulnerable right now.
mel40
mel40
He he... I have Skyped with him and his son. I don't think he is married. I am also friends with him on fb and seen the memorials he created for his wife. I think I will start thinking about where to start gnawing exactly, what the quickest way through bone is and practicing my backbend. Just in case he doesn't heed my warning. But, I think he would :)
I don't consider the gifts controlling. Just an attempt at dating. Wooing. It is awkward to think about his son being there, but at the same time, he just lost his mother and it is a nice get away for him at the holidays, which can be hard.
I think I am ready, just wasn't prepared for someone to TELL me, rather than it being spontaneous. THAT is awkward. I am more used to someone slowly inching forward and making a quick turn if needed. Or changing the subject. Or running like hell.
I will check him out more and see. I am not blind or oblivious or living in a fantasy (well, may a little), but I still have sound judgment.
mel40
mel40
I read these words this morning.
"Take a deep breath and jump!"
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your imagination is adding drama to what could be a wonderful experience. Chillax. If you are not ready for the kiss, turn your cheek. Do you feel guilty about the opportunity to happy again?. To be loved and cherished. Are you looking for someone's permission to be happy? Take your moment, examine it yourself. Allow yourself to accept or reject this person. Please don't allow others to define your happiness. Your story sounds like a fairy tale, how wonderful to have the opportunity to be loved and cherished. Do not let guilt prevent this wonderful opportunity. I feel if there wasn't some kind of connection you would not be meeting soon. The only thing I saw in this letter, was you feeling guilty that you might be happy again. You deserve to be happy.
Enjoy the romance! Savor each day on this earth. We never know when it will be the last!
papagena
papagena
Mel, I understand your trepidation. I, too, see a few red flags mainly because of his pressing manners. Wooing is all very well and nice, no doubt, but I tend to agree with TC0112; I also find a whiff of control through the sending of so many gifts.

This kissing and holding hand is way too much on the first time you will meet. These expectations are too high, even though you like the man, face to face there might be no spark, no chemistry and it will render the meeting really awkward. It would be best to keep the first meeting on a friendly basis, reasonable really, and see how you go from there. The fact that his son is coming along is in someway reassuring.

Having married a foreigner myself, I know that cultural differences apply and cannot be discounted but nevertheless his manners are still too pressing.

Now, I wish you well and I hope it works out well for you, but please take care and if you do not feel up to the hand holding as I steps out of the plane, just don't do it.
deauxgirl
deauxgirl
I think you are over thinking everything. Stop, and just think of him as a friend. You didn't jump into a relationship with your husband did you? You have to get to know someone, in person, before you can decide if it will go any futher. Breathe, and stay calm and you are just having a friend to show around, talk and get to know them. He needs to know, you need time. Look for red flags, spend none of your money, on anything. Good Luck,
Paula
russ1153
russ1153
I hope this goes great for you as you deserve to be happy. If your uncomfortable about the kiss how about the kissing on the cheeks Europeans seem to do. If your not ready to hold hands, don't. It seems like he is pretty understanding. Treat it like an adventure while remaining alert to anything that doesn't feel right. I'm at 9 months and I haven't been able to even dance withanother woman yet. Keep up your great sense of humor too as we all need to be able to laugh at times. Were all pulling for you as this gives us hope as well.
Best wishes
Russ
pathoflife
pathoflife
You are in the driver's seat, setting a precedent on that first meeting--a precedent of respect for your concerns and consideration for your feelings. When I went on my first date with my now husband after being widowed for over 6 years, I felt it only fair to him to state some of my anxieties. I wasn't trying to micro-manage the relationship, but I felt as though he deserved to know my concerns. Maybe to some this sounds way over the top, but dating after almost 50 years was a scary prospect to this gal (and come to find out to him also). I wanted to get to know him as a friend whom I had come to know via texting, emailing, and through lengthy phone conversations. Other than that, I had no idea what our first meeting would be like and where it might lead; to say the least, we both were apprehensive. There are a lot of variables that come into play when meeting in person, and it's always wise--in my opinion--to err on the side of caution. Don't let shyness or timidity keep you from using wise discernment. We all have different expectations, and even though you have spoken on the phone for several months, it will be totally different when you meet face to face. I say that from my own experience. There's no reason to race past the getting-to-know-you phase. If your relationship is to develop, you are building some wonderful memories that will lay a beautiful foundation for a rich future together. Blessings to you. TJ
NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
From what I read, I think he is WAY more ready than you to enter a relationship. I think the many gifts are a ways to try to persuade you that love is behind the gifts. Also, gifts are a control mechanism. If he gives you these gorgeous gifts now (when he hasn't even met you), what would he do for an encore after you have known each other for a long time? I would caution you to beware his attempts to move you faster than you want to. I can speak from experience because I was wooed with every kind of gift, including daily special delivery cards and letters. He overwhelmed me, and we married 6 months later, much to my regret. Six months after that we were divorced. He was very controlling, VERY controlling. Please be careful. He was all gentleman until we married. Warning....beware.....let time guide you. Lots of it!!!
mel40
mel40
Russ1153!
I hope YOU dance!
mel40
mel40
TJ,
this....
"Don't let shyness or timidity keep you from using wise discernment." is what I have been working on. I am stronger now! I CAN do this! You are right! And I thank you....
I can take this for what it is. I can be comfortable with who I am and share it with others. Especially HIM! I am sure he has the same, if not similar feelings! I know my expectations, now... and how I want to be treated and considered.
We will have a good time, while he is here. I am happy to have a new friend, who DOES understand that I am growing and changing but taking care of myself and family as well. Time, is on my side! Thanks again!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just relax and be yourself. When things are meant to be there is no need to behave "properly". You are not auditioning for a Broadway play. And if it is not, well, you've probably will be served a whole lot of trouble if you try to manipulate a relationship that is not meant to be. I know one thing for sure: If you are destined to be with someone, nothing can stop it! you won't need to rope, trick or manipulate him into loving you. I can wish you good luck but love is matter of karma not luck! I hope your meeting confirms all your hopes and dispels all your fears.