Drew,
I don't feel ready either. Actually I don't have any want or desire to meet "someone" or to have a relationship with anyone at this time. I might not ever. I just want to learn to live alone and feel comfortable doing that. I met my husband when I was sixteen and really never dated anyone else after that. We were a couple and were together for 43 years. I feel like half of me is gone & I have lost my feelings of comfort.
I am ready to socialize with friends tho. I have begin to want to get out a bit and do some fun things. To get my legs under me again and feel confident. You know what I mean?
You seem very bright and sound like you have the right attitutude about you. Wise beyond your years in other words. I hope & pray your life will work out for you and you will have lots of happiness ahead. I know my husband would want that for me and I am sure your wife would want that for you too. Take care, Lu

Thank you sweet Lucy I have felt exactly the way you do. Many things I was forced to realize has made me change my perspective on my wife's passing. I am glad for my new found views on life and try to look at life with a glass half full

This site is just what Drew and Lucy are describing, a place to find our place in the world. That's my goal for it to be. I agree with you both in your thoughts of being open to the future without a narrow attitude of what you want. I wasn't so open in my thinking six years ago when Don died and it was hard for me to be open to the future. Like Lucy, my husband and I started dating at 16 in high school and were married three years after graduation. He died after celebrating our 40th anniversary. I expected to spend the rest of my life single, but also enjoying my remaining years. Those years were when I needed a place to go and be understood. Sharon

Hello,

My husband died in July, 2007. A very good friend of mine loss her husband three months later (October, 2007). She is getting married this Thursday to a man she and her husband knew for years. She started dating him in January. I think he has been interested in her for several months only she was not ready then. She was ready to date in January. She missed having male company and she wanted to be happy again. It is an individual chose and decision. I am very happy for her. I will miss her companionship but she deserves some happiness. Losing a spouse is one of the most difficulty things I have ever had to go through in my life. I lose my best friend to breast cancer in 1995, my father to lung cancer in 1996 and my husband to colon cancer in 2007. I thought my friend/father's deaths were difficult, but losing my husband was 100 times worse. Just take each day as it comes and if you are interested in another relationship, you will know when the time is right. Your grief work will be placed in a different part of your heart and it will open for new experiences. I have chosen not to date or to be in another relationship. It has been a conscious decision on my part and I am alright with this. With God's help and grace, I have a life again. It is not the one that I wanted or thought that I would have, but it is good. I am at peace and peace/contentment is what I asked God for after my husband's death. I did not ask to be happy again however, there are days that I am happy and it is about the smallest things. I have three stray cats that I feed. Yes, another one has shown up for dinner and now breakfast.! They make me laugh. It has taken me six years to get to where I am now. I am okay.

Raye

This is what I like to hear RayeS . I fill so much more content after reading your comment. I am a sponge that can soak up that positivity and you give me a brighter day. Thank u X

In an effort to put myself out there and make friends locally I started a meet up group for widows, it is really slow going, but it is growing. Out of that group one of the widows started a meet up group for just women 50 and up, didn't have to be married, single or widowed just a group of women getting together. I have been to 2 of these meet ups and am enjoying myself once I get there. I have always been somewhat of an outgoing person and now I am discovering that I have borderline panic attacks when faced with a social situation. This is not something I have ever experienced but in talking to some widows that I have met thru DS it is pretty normal. Is anyone else experiencing this?

Cathylynn58 ...yes..sort of, i mean I like to know well in advance that i have a social function, now, so that I can talk myself into going! I used to not be that way. I have some anxiety but once i go, I am my same old self, fun, and funny. But its the getting there that take some doing for me. I am not yet 50 but have looked at some meet up groups. I have been on some dates and that is ok, I find its better one on one than in group settings. Unless its a family function. It just takes some work and effort I think and we will get there. At least that is my hope..

I had some anxiety after Don passed with leaving the house. It's odd, the first few months I couldn't be in our home and later didn't want to leave it. I guess it is part of the roller coaster of grief. Sharon

I can relate to all these posts. For the first two years after I lost my husband, I did not have panic attacks (I had been prone to them in the past though). I think it was because I was in "survival" mode and functioning on adrenaline. When things settled down and more reality set in, then the panic attacks started. I now have trouble going out and spend most of my time at home with my dogs and my cat. I socialized a lot during the first two years and then it got stale.. I missed my home life and doing the things I had been used to for the last 26 years as a married woman. I now really miss being in a relationship and would love to find a nice guy to date but so far it hasn't happened although I did fall in love with someone over the internet for two years.. but that didn't work out. I lost my husband 4 years ago.

I posted this in my Journal after my first meet up I was so embarrassed but it was completely unfounded. I had a great time after the first event. I just needed to get to know them so I could feel more relaxed. I do enjoy my social group now

Saturday, May 25, 2013 | An Anxious story



I joined a social group in the town I live in and I went on my first outing. this group basically Posts upcoming events in town and if would like to meet up with members at the event you would just rsvp. I thought that It would be nice to have fun.

We went to the movies and watched Hangover part 3. The movie was fine, But afterwards we went out to eat and I was asked what I liked to do I answered I do not know. and I told them about my wife and what we used to do, I told them what I liked to do before I was with my wife. there Is only one thing that I can do socially and that is go to the movies. I enjoyed myself very much but am a little worried that they found me to be a bore. I very much want to find friends and I am worried that I will not be able to relate with anyone. I felt out of place and sort of embarrassed.



The people were very nice but I did not feel like I was good enough to be there. I wish that I had more self confidence. Maybe that would have helped

Just want you to know that this social anxiety has nothing to do with age or gender. I practically had to force myself to go the first time

Drew, don't ever feel, you aren't good enough. It takes a long time to feel comfortable in social settings. Just be yourself and try to be as positive as you can and things will go smoothly. It took me about 2 years before I went to my first Meet Up group. Good Luck

Paula

That was a log in my journal in may about my first meetup in may. I am still going on outings and enjoy it very much

Drew, you are always an inspiration.
Sharon, I am so pleased you transformed this board from "loving again" to "living again". It makes sense to me.
I am not sure I want to meet someone someday, anyway. I do realise that I am no spring chicken and I wouldn't even know how to start another relationship.

I feel my married life was like a good book you read and you do not want the story to finish (particularly badly), you want to carry on reading it but then it comes to an end and you have to return the book to the library. I was happy to read the book. Loved it to the end, would read it again if only I could but it cannot happen so I will remember it always and, like every good book, it will influence my life but I have turned the last page and now after a few months, I am ready to read new book.

Even though I have been very raw after the sudden death of my husband, and I of course do still grieve, I am nevertheless ready to live again. Fortunately for me I am and always have been and independent spirit and the core of my personality has not been destroyed, nor much altered. I do go out, mostly alone, but I now have joined two things, one is a debating meetup and the other an over 50s forum which organises various activities. I always plan an escape route though, in case I feel I need to get back home earlier.

We can only but try our best to change our lives.

I remember having to force myself to go to a restaurant to eat alone....... the first time, I made it through the door and then turned around and left! It was so hard to do some things alone.