well,Andree' I don't have any experience in this, but I know I'm at the stage that if that happened I'd call her out on it...not in an ugly way, but confront her with the truth....ask her why she is letting her children be the instruments of her animosity toward you (which is really geared to her ex)....let her vent, and ask her...."why is she using her children like this"...it's sooooo harmful to them...I venture to guess that she doesn't want to see him happy...and I believe this kind of scenerio is very common when one of the divorcees starts to date and the other one hasn't...ego is a very strong thing....
I'll be praying for you....hugs, Jill

I'm not an expert with this, but I do know that WE can't fix anyone's problems. Sure , we can lend comfort, support, and understanding, but it's a battle that your boyfriend has to solve. He should make it clear that you are now a part of his life, that you make him happy, and it's important that his children respect that - they are old enough to follow their own instincts, and just as he wants them to be happy, they should want him to be happy.. I wouldn't push him because it's a tough time for him, but he has to establish that his life is moving on, and that his ex-wife should respect that. It's amazing to me how someone wouldn't just move on after a divorce, and stay hostile.

Good luck in resolving this. You deserve the best.....and so does he. Remember 'da cake ok???

Best regards
Vicki

Don't know about advice, but can say I have lived this experience my entire marriage to DH. When we married my D was 8-1/2, his D was 3 and his S was a year. To keep it as simple as possible his ex was the ex from hell in every sense possible - & in reality still is - she just lost a lot of direct impact on us when the kids reached their majority and made up their own minds about what was real. I could write a book about the stunts she pulled and the stuff she had those kids believing - some that we probably only found out round about because the kids always got along in a bad situation... the first 5 years of our marriage dealing w/the bizarro legal system back when Dad's really didn't have very much clout, and the reality of how those kids turned out in the long because they have been really messed up by their Mom - all because Mom used them as a weapon against their Dad. It hurt him deeply, but you can only do what you can do! It did take him a very long time to figure that out - & yes it was probably the main thing that caused what could have been significant problems for us as a couple cuz it's not something that's fixable!! - but we loved our way thru it & came out better at the other end.

The lady was at DH's viewing & memorial last year - me in my confused, unreal, foggy, state giving her credit for possibly exhibiting some semblance of humanity & thinking that at this point she was being supportive of her kids - they are going on 30 and 27 after all. I found out a few months later that my SD not only had to deal w/the sudden, unexpected loss of her Dad (she & her Dad, & her & I, have over the years developed a very solidly based, good relationship that was all our own based on love & mutual respect & never forced; however SS didn't get the benefit of being away from Mom during his formative teen years w/oodles of private counseling like SD & is really a warped person. He has distanced himself from us as well as everyone in his life for over the past 4 yrs...)... Anyway, it turns out their Mom was here only to see how they were treated so she could rub it in their faces - except we've always included them in our family. They were an integral part of everything just as the rest of the kids - not somewhere on the fringies like she expected. She later basically told her D now that her Dad was dead, we were no longer her family & she should take me off her facebook page as Mom, and our sons as brothers, etc... When SD told her to grow up and not go there it wasn't happening (very abbreviated version), Mom "unfriended" her from Facebook and they have not communicated since - during which time SD went from being stationed in Korea to Italy, got remarried in Las Vegas, & has been back here to see me.

This a very truncated version - of course it covers a long span of time. And now we're into a new phase w/me getting myself into a new relationship. May test those waters, but I'm still of the opinion that I will have her support as long as I'm happy & being treated well - just as I'm getting from my oldest D who happens to think it's a good thing & is happy for me.

Since I really fell into an LD relationship w/an old HS BF after reconnecting at our 40th reunion last October he has spent about a week at a time here at my home every 3 weeks or so starting at Xmas because it's easiest all the way around. My sons are young adults, but they have both ended up back at home w/o jobs especially since this "glitch" in their lives w/the loss of their Dad last year. I'm sure it's very hard for them, they are only 22 & 25 & neither has yet to even really had their 1st true love hit them, so in that sense I'm their center of reference. And they have been very gracious considering how early in this really is.. I can't go to his home because w/the drawn out process of getting his divorce(2 yrs now) etc.... his ex still lives in their home paying him rent until the market allows it to sell so they can both move on. So when I go up there, we go elsewhere - the coast or the mountains,; Likewise she spends a great deal of time elsewhere, but still lives there. I have yet to meet his 18yr old son who graduates HS next month & will leave for college in September. I don't expect there will be real problems, especially after what I've had to deal with in the past - but especially being an only & growing up relatively privileged - it will be interesting as we figure out how to meld this into an us that includes all the kids somehow.

All that said, his ex has no real right to prevent you guys as a couple from attending anything involving his kids. Of course it will be uncomfortable, but you are there for them, whether she likes it or not, and it is doable.

Love, Love, Love.

My husband was divorced from a vindictive, nasty, awful woman who tried to make our life hell. She used every lie, every device, every foul play she could invent to drive a wedge between not only my husband and me, but the children as well.

My defense? I NEVER referred to my two children as "step children"... they were only 4 and 6 at the time... I NEVER bad mouthed the ex (their mother)... I showed them love, I never argued with their "biological" mother, I held my tongue. I loved my husband. I showed all of them the power of love, the power of honesty, the power of truth. Today, my kids are 22 and 20 - they love me. I love them. Their "real" mother is a very small part of their lives.
Hang in there. Love, Love, Love.. is always the answer.

=Linda

I have no experience in this ex- complication. That being said, what Linda (thegoodcook) said makes a lot of sense to me. I think the phrase is "kill them with kindness!" Children are smarter than we realize and they will figure out what is going on. Sharon

I don't have any experience with this either.... although I now have two grown step sons. I haven't met them yet...... will be meeting one in two weeks. To be honest, I'm already worrying about it!

Sorry I can't give any advice either but I will tell you briefly what I am experiencing with my new husband.
I can't really give the story justice briefly, but will just say his ex manipulated the system in every way she knew how. She left with no warning and took the kids 800 miles away. She lied to the court and to the kids.Now, she has brainwashed the kids and moved who knows where. No one in the family can find her. She has violated court orders and it has already cost my husband thousands of dollars. We have spoken at great length about what to do about this.Of course, he should have followed her to the other state and fought from day one to get those kids, but nothing can change that. He thought he was doing right by giving her some cooling off time. Then he got laid off, got a bad flu, wrecked his car, and had no money or transportation for court proceedings. When he finally filed for divorce after 6 months without being able to see his kids, the judge only looked at the fact that he hadn't seen them in 6 months and didn't care why. What is worse the child support was set at 1/2 of his income! The legal limit in the state where she lives. He was again laid off from work and went a year on unemployment before finding another job. Despite the fact that his unemployment was about equal to his child support for a year, the courts wouldn't change it and lawyers won't help for free. Anyway, he doesn't get to see his kids and since they are teens now, they don't want to see him either as the brainwashing is ingrained.
The only reason I share this is because, you don't want this to happen to you. My husband wakes many nights in tears, missing those kids and agonizing over all he thinks he may have been able to do differently. We can't take back anything from the past. There are times when I see stories like yours and a selfish part of me is thankful that we don't have to deal with all that. But seeing him in such pain is just as bad. He has a curio cabinet full of seemingly insignificant items - some rocks, a pacifier, a candle, a pooh bear....That, a few pictures and a stuffed dog is all he has left of his kids. She took everything when she took them.

Do you think there is any way you and he could set down and speak civilly with his ex? I think open communication is the ONLY chance for things to get better in these situations. It isn't easy and I am certainly no pro at it, but I am learning. I haven't had to face his ex yet, but have a situation with a daughter in law that has required much patience, forgiveness, and communication. I can't stand the thought of not seeing my grand daughter so I will try every thing in my power to be civil with her mom. Open communication has helped but it also takes a lot of biting the tongue, trying to understand her emotions, and forgiveness.

Good luck...I hope you all find a solution that will allow for happiness and contentment.

Thanks for all the advice. Things have just gone south with his kids. Since she asked him not to bring me the kids wouldn't even look at him. He messaged his son because he saw he had put a few things on twitter that he didn't think he would want everyone to see. So he told him anyone could follow him on it and he didn't think it was in his best interest. Needless to say I was out of town when this happened because I would have told him to just monitor it and make copies because he so could have used it in court. Because the son was saying how miserable he is with his mom always yelling and screaming at them. He told the son if they ever needed a place they were more than welcome at his house. The son messaged him accused him of stalking him and told him to leave him alone that he is nothing but an embarrassment for him and that living with him would be the last place he would ever want to be. He in turn messaged the son back told him he loved him and he would honor his wishes, hope he has a good life and goodbye. Love Dad.
It tore him up to do that but once again everyone thinks it is the ex that did it but the son is 18 and he could make contact with the dad if he chose to. We aren't sure if this is the result of the ex being served with court papers or not as we were told she would be served by the end of the week and this happened Thursday and Friday. She claims to be a good catholic but her behavior is so not like one. She went to catholic school and seems to think she is better than everyone that has gone to public school as me and him both have. Last Saturday night was a real eye opener for her as it was the first time she saw him with someone else and seems like she couldn't handle it and it made matters worst. Can't imagine what she will try to do next however he said if the court can't find a solution he will do what is best for him and walk away until the kids are old enough and on their own to think for themselves. They are so brain washed it is not funny. I just don't understand how a court system can let a mother get away with this because she should be teaching the kids right from wrong and to obey the laws not how to get away with whatever suits you at the time. Court ordered visitation is just that the rule of the court and should be followed, we all know that if he wasn't paying child support or private school tuition she would be hounding the judge to make him. So please pray for all the parents of children that don't have domiciliary custody that the parents do what is in the best interest of the child and not punish the kids for their mistakes. Thanks, Dra'

I have had some dealings with this, 2 hubby's with ex's from hell....2nd husband had 2 children with her, she had a 3rd child during their marriage with a boyfriend but they stayed together as he thought his 2 needed their mother....they finally split up after she got another boyfriend moving out one day, taking everything and kids to move in with the boyfriend. He was alone for about a year when we met, then she couldn't stay away, was coming over to his house all the time...think she thought it bothered me but so sorry to disappoint her, it didn't. She turned his children against him by telling them him and I had gotten together before they split up and I was the cause of them getting divorced, a lie as he was divorced a year before we even met. Trying to get along with her was tough, no matter what she wanted we would try to do, but it still didn't make her happy, she'd find fault with what ever. The children tried everything they could, it got to the point that I'd stay away when they would come over on their weekends, so as far as having a relationship with them I didn't. His children weren't the reason we got divorced, but they sure didn't help either, another story for another time......
hubby #3 had 2 ex's from hell, both doing the same thing, both married for 17 years, 1st wife and him had 4 children....2nd wife and him had 2 children, both wives the day after Christmas presented him with divorce papers (didn't want to ruin getting the presents that was expected that he'd get them) 1st wife moved to Colorado with her boyfriend, taking children, most everything, leaving him with all the bills and turning his children against him.....2nd wife basically did the same thing, boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs, moved in with boyfriend (but didn't move from the state) and turned his children against him also.....all he ever was to any of them was a BANK....then I came along and as he said, I was the best thing to ever happen to him and I felt the same about him....lol, it only took both of us 3 tries but we made it, had 11 wonderful years together even though he was sick for 6 of them I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Best part was, we succeeded, we had each other, loved each other and was there for each other no matter what. With both hubby's we never talked about the mothers when the children were around, lol, but then we didn't waste much time on them we were busy loving our life. What I do know is children can make you or break you if you let them, they want their parents back together, no matter how many times you tell them there ain't no way. About all I can tell you is be prepared for anything, be strong, hang in there and hang on to one another, just remember one day it will be just the 2 of you, the children will be gone, out on their own and then it's time for you both to live life.....hugs,Sandi