Lmj90, funny I just posted something similar...friendship feels like a good place to start. Why are your kids so protective? Mine are supportive of me finding a friend.
I don't feel I am betraying my husband, he knows where my heart lies and he doesn't want me to be lonely forever. That is why I am on this site...I can't get into the dating sites yet...this feels safer...everyone here gets it and is or has gone through this...good luck!

thank you. Sorry I didn't read through all of the other posts before posting :) I guess my kids don't want to see me with someone else?? I really don't know why they are so against it. I joined this forum to see that others have moved forward and that companionship is possible. I met my husband in high school and we were together 27 years. So much has changed since then. I am so insecure.

Hi LMJ - You're not intruding - this is exactly the right place for this question...
ok one sentence here really bit me... "My kids are extremely against any thought of even going to lunch with friends..." All friends? or only potential man-friends?

Excuse me, but who's life is it anyway?

You haven't mentioned in this post how old your kids are but I note in your profile you say two are adults, and one is a teen. I'm sorry but I don't see how they have the right to dictate to you how you live out the rest of your life.

I'm guessing from your profile that you are mid- to late forties - average life span for a woman in North America is 72 years... so your children expect you to spend the next 20+ years alone?

My children are younger - 13 and 15. And yes I considered them when I started dating. I told them that I would not introduce them to anyone I dated unless and until I was pretty certain that I could trust the gent and that I wanted him as a larger part of our family life. I've really lucked out in meeting Art; he adores my kids and they really like him (He's 'geeky-funny', to quote my son).

But L - you need your own life. Your children are grown/growing, they have their own lives. Get out with friends, join some new groups if there's any in your area (meetup.com is great for this). Start a new hobby you've always wanted to try. Volunteer. Get out and about. There's no need to 'date' unless you feel you want to, but do have a social life of your own. And it is possible to be friends with a gentleman without there being a romantic interest - I have several male friends, especially now with the meetup group, and they all enriched my life. (yeah guys, you know who you are, LOL)

If you hear objections from your kids, ask them if they are planning to never date/socialize and sit at home with you for the next 20+ years. I was scared to death to start dating again, but I did anyway - got bruised a few times (which, in the scheme of things, happened before my marriage too, so no big deal). I'm currently in a good relationship, and hoping (fingers crossed) it will last.

Sending big warm Canadian hugs,
Jacqueline

I considered my daughter very very much when her dad died. She was 19. Maybe I was so considerate because I lost my dad when I was young and for me it felt like my mom put my brother and I aside when she found love and remarried.

I really wanted to respect my daughter's grief while also explaining that I was lonesome.

for me it was at 18 months. I have still gone in and out of how serious i want to be and right now I still see the same man, still feel in love, still do not want to remarry or live together.

everyone bas a different path and I think reading about others on this journey helps.

I feel there is no right or wrong thing to do but it is good you found a place of support as you make some life changes.

I live alone now, my daughter lives alone at 24 and its a special time for me. I enjoy living alone at this point.

It took me a while to get through a period where i was filling the space of my dear love that i missed. I really did not want to love from a place of neediness and wanting to fill an empty space.
Blessings

When I was at about a year, I decided I had to get out there and become more social, not date, but just do anything but work. I joined a couple of Meet Up groups, went out to a couple of dinners, met some interesting people. I didn't really have friends, except for my husband, so I needed a place to start. When I felt more comfortable at around 18 months, I went online and joined a couple of dating sites. When I first got on there, I was very naive. Talked to a few men online, then on the phone. If I was interested we would meet for coffee. It's a process only you can go through. The only person, that had a problem with me dating was my oldest granddaughter, she was the closest to my husband. I didn't introduce the guy I'm seeing to family for almost a year. I guess I'm cautious. Good luck with learning to live again.

Paula

Thank you for your replies. They are much needed and appreciated. I will continue to follow your posts here. You have all made valid points. Jacqueline, My young adult kids are 22 and 25. They are more apprehensive because the don't want me to be hurt. My youngest is the one who struggles with both his grief and me being with any male friends. (not that I have more than one). Mostly he has seen me being more social at work and I did voice the fact that I had an attraction to a male co worker and he over heard me talking to my female co worker about this. I have told him I have no intentions of replacing his dad because no one ever will but I miss the companionship. Btw this male coworker does not share an attraction toward me :(. That makes me sad because he is such an amazing person.
So I told my son there is nothing to discuss.
I understand what you are saying about being alone for the next 20 + years and I agree. I am in a very small town and have been all my life. There isn't much social opportunity here in any form. I am in my mid forties and was with my husband since high school. So many things have changed in so many ways. Scary doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm not sure my comfort level is where it needs to be but that is one of the reasons why I joined this group..... I need to hear other people's prospective and gain some confidence. Hugs

Lisa

I forgot to mention that I do volunteer, I do enjoy photography so I am doing those things limitedly. The limit is due to my location and my physical disability limits me a bit also. this "learning life after loss" stuff is HARD

It is hard! And I was terrified to date! It's not easy! But take it at your own pace. Be open with your kids. Give them time to process it all. Their initial reaction will probably be out of fear but after discussing it, that may change...
I just broke up after a year long relationship. I don't regret it. Had the best time of my life! So did he! But it just wasn't time for us to be serious and make a life together. We are still friends.
I step out and step back and step out and step back. Right now, I am dating myself! Lol! Loving myself and treating myself good!
Big hugs to you!

Moving forward to have a life without my husband was hard. I had all those negative emotions like I was betraying him hit me hard. Then I started with the thought who would be interested in a woman in her 60's. I just kept piling them up in my head and bringing myself down. Yes, I was doing this to myself out of fear of the unknown. I hadn't dated since high school and that's where I met my husband. We have no idea what to do or how to begin, it least that was how I felt.

For me.the beginning started with me. "Finding a peace in the place I'm in." Lots of deep breathes and walking out the door. After all no one was going to knock on my door looking for someone to hang out with. I went to places I enjoyed. I went to Barnes and Noble, to coffee cafes, walking through stores both malls and food. I sat by the river and read. I spent hours on Dailystrength. I visited with friends, always calling first. I just rejoined the world. In the beginning I had to force myself , but it became easier.

Being good to me wasn't always going out. I began living at home too. Not driven by anxiety, but by my own wishes. I started socializing with a friend's brother who was a widower. There was no romantic connection, but we enjoyed the company of each other. We both moved on after about a year. Then I met Art and truly fell in love. Sharon

I was not a dating material for a long time. Even after years of becoming a widow, I was still in love with my late husband.
While being totally social and "functioning griever" I was not able to detach my heart from him. At the same time loneliness was pushing me to actively seek social interaction, and look for any chance to be surrounded by people. I was not dating dating, but "window shopping " dates, that usually ended where they begun. Instead, I focused of developing a strong social network of friends so we can be outgoing and active.
The second year , I started slowing down the fuss, and shifted my priorities with the purpose to reestablish my career. Finished my degree, and traveled quite a bit.
After loosing my Mom, I found myself in a place that I would called a mature, philosophical acceptance of my life change. Just like Sharron, I focused on self discovery and more meaningful friendships.
Now, seven years later , I have finally become an independent, content in my life, and secure as a woman, As a result, I am more capable of starting, pacing and maintaining my relationships with people in general and with a man. The only setback, years of self work made me quite independent, and perhaps even too comfortable with myself and my life and it comes across as selfish. I have to watch for balance and give enough attention to my relationship.
As far as my son, he was concerned at the beginning, and reflectively I can see why, I was in mourning , and nothing could come out of a relationship with me. Today my son sees me as a normal, wise, and strong, and he is relaxed about my choices, and in my decision to be in a relationship. He approves it, and it matters to me that he is comfortable with it.

Thank you for all the input. I like that term "functioning griever" I am so not there yet but I am aiming for it. I think I am just impatient. I need to let life happen and see where it takes me but on the other hand I was always a doer before losing my husband