HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
My boyfriend of 3 yrs. proposed to me on Christmas Eve 2016, and I said yes! We are very happy and excited about this next phase of our life together. On the outside, family and friends have been supportive and congratulatory to us, as we have both been through a lot (him a nasty divorce 8 yrs ago, me the sudden loss of my husband of 25 yrs, 3yrs. and 8 mos ago). The problem is my daughters, ages 21.5 and 23.5. They both claim that they don't have a problem with my fiance, but they are furious with me. Both daughters have mental health issues, especially my youngest. Due to her mental health issues, it is extremely difficult to work through this. For over 10 years, I have advocated and supported both daughters through mental illness, substance abuse, financial support, etc. All of this was concurrent with caregiving for my mother and in-laws, who all passed away in the past 3 1/2 years as well. In a nutshell, I'm tired of taking care of everyone else, and I want to be happy. My fiance treats me like a queen, and I am crazy about him. I never thought I'd fall in love with someone after losing my beloved husband.
My daughters have never acknowledged all that I have done for them. I barely get acknowledged for birthdays, mother's day, etc. I always give them positive feedback and tell them that all I want is for them to be happy. My oldest writes beautiful letters to her dad on social media, telling him how much she misses him, etc. I am weirdly jealous. I have never gotten a "thank you" or "what can I do to make your life easier, Mom?". I am so angry and hurt. To top everything, both girls told me vehemently that they will not be at my wedding. I know that "you can't argue with crazy", but it still hurts.
My younger daughter was downright cruel to me in a meeting with a family therapist. I agreed to see a FT with her to help her, but it is draining on me.
I'm sick of dealing with this. I love my daughters, but I never get any love or kindness in return. How do I get off this hamster wheel?
Well, congratulations are in order! How wonderful. You are in love and that is so beautiful. I am a hopeless (maybe I should say hopeful) romantic. I love love stories. Please, if you feel like it, tell the story of how you met and when you realized you were in love.
Fast forward about 10 years....J gets married to a psychologist (we never even knew he had a girlfriend!). Next thing you know, we learn that J's wife is expecting their first child. A few months after the baby is born, we see J and congratulate him, but we both knew that something wasn't quite right. A few months later, my husband and I were shocked to hear J was getting a divorce. We were shocked, to say the least. Jay is the sweetest, kindest man, and this just seemed crazy. Turns out, J's wife told him that she wanted a divorce, by email. Later on I learned that Jay went into a deep downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. 6 months after J's wife left him, he had a near fatal car accident. J was bedridden for several months and ended up losing his business. Everything just fell apart. His ex made his life hell, and his drinking made everything worse.
My husband passed away suddenly, 1 month after my mother died as a result of a long illness. It was awful. About a month after my husband's death, I realized that I had never contacted J. One day I called him up to break the news. Jay was devastated. He asked me if there was anything he could do to help, and took care of my home while I was trying to get things in order. While he was doing so much for me, I had no idea that he lost his business, was broke, etc. He never let on.
For the next several months, Jay and I kept in touch via text messages and emails. Jay kept sending me hilarious jokes that made me laugh, when I never thought I'd laugh again.
6 months after my husband's death, I went to my summer home (as I had rented it out for awhile). While there, Jay called me up and asked me if I'd like to come over for dinner. I said sure. We had a great evening and he made me laugh even more. Our friendship slowly grew into love. J got sober and has remained sober for 3 years. He has gotten his life back and he's helped me get mine back too. The fact that he knew my husband, and they respected and admired each other, is an added bonus!
Take care.
Peace,Tim
Take care and be well,
Jean