If you had a great marriage I am not sure if that inner happiness really comes back fully. I have re-married and am so blessed, but that hole in my heart doesn't seem to go away. I am "happy" but not as comfortable and peaceful as I was before. Just had the 5th anniversary of my new marriage and life is good but I still miss my life with Bill. Some days I feel like I am in two worlds especially when someone introduces me and forgets to use my new name! I believe Happiness comes with acceptance of what we have lost, and that life goes on and we are still alive, and that we need to keep making a difference in this ole world. I find my happiness in giving and sharing with others, I have found that my happiness is sharing the lessons of love I learned with Bill through the 38 years with my new husband and seeing him blossom. Bonnie

I agree that happiness comes from the acceptance and living. I've also come to a place where I can focus on giving to others but for the first couple of years, I had to focus on me. I had to heal and that meant lots of rest and tenderness towards myself. So many things changed and I had to adapt to them ALL! It was really exhausting.
I suggest going outside and enjoying nature, breathing in fresh air, finding something to laugh at, limiting the amount of time felt in grief. (Some suggestion somewhere else, when you feel grief sneak in, look at the clock and say ok, 15 minutes, and then move on.) it's easy to get caught up in grief and begin to feel sorry for myself. That's not the present. I've been very blessed.
I hope to continue to be able to give to others, it takes my focus off of me. I obviously still have a purpose here on earth.

I find after 5 years due to being in a very rural area its hard to find friends to do things with, our couple friends dropped me and at my age finding another man I do not think is in the cards. SO I make myself realize on those times when things are happy at some function with others I am happy. NO not the great joy and happiness I wish for but ok happiness. Wish there was more but how is a big???

This is a hard one. I have watched my mother with dementia and tried to follow her example of living totally in the moment. No past, no future, only now, trying to help and give to others. She is a very joyful person in less than ideal circumstances. The joy comes from loving and accepting people for who they are, warts and all.

I have thrown myself into life full force, no holding back, damn the torpedoes, epic failure, massive success, no matter what kind of way. I take the risks, even when they scare me, I love, even though I may lose, even though I know I will lose, eventually. If I feel overwhelmed, I go out and garden, watch the bees and the birds, play with my cats and dogs. Occasionally, I sit down and have a little cry, but I get back up and say, "I have been blessed, and I will appreciate and use my blessings." If that makes any sense to you, then bless your hear, you are a patient soul!

Hugs,
Val

Val, wonderful attitude.

It depends on what you mean by "those who have gotten past this stage." It's been 8 years since my husband passed to another world. I still think of him often, but I focus on my life today. Because I had to accept that the life that I had was gone. I didn't want to accept it. I had no choice. I understand, now, that there were bad days in my life even though we loved each other through them. Life, for me, was never perfect. I grew up with loving parents. I married my high school sweetheart and we were very happy. But life brings us challenges anyway. I try to focus on the good that I have. I try to think of others and be kind and giving.
When Don died I deluded myself that our 40 year marriage was flawless. No marriage is flawless. Heck, no life is without flaws.

Yes, I'm in a relationship for 4 years now that is good. But even though our children are adults there are concerns about things like holidays and where do we spend them. I have to remember what is important and it's not about the small stuff. It's about doing and living the best you can today. Sharon

It has been eight years for me. I still grieve the loss of my old life, however at the end of the first year, I knew I needed to have my own life. I was still working at that time, and had my dog. That helped a lot because I had some place to go and people to interact with. I retired a year ago and had to put my 12 year old black German Shepherd to sleep in Sept. But by that time, I had a new life. I am content with my friends, my home and my hobbies. I go out to eat by myself and to the movies. I am not a lonely person and often go to lunch with friends and yesterday A friend and I went to a wedding together. My life is different but it is and can be a good life. Do I miss what I had-yes, I do and my husband nor I were perfect, but we loved each other. I thank God that he was a part of my life. The rest of my life is now up to me and I am determined to make it good.

Raye

Thank you for the replies and thoughts. Your comments here made me think and helped me understand our situation better. I am hearing that the life we lost is gone along with the contentment it held. Expectations of our place in life are no longer the same. I was wondering when I could get past that drifting stage- but I get now that I never will. I will never again have that life back- and maybe never have that same happiness and inner peace back. However, I need to focus on making the life I am living the best that it can be. I think I am doing a decent job of working at that. But I was expecting at some point to have been done with the process. I am just at 2 1/2 years and I think from your comments that I might be ok. Thanks for listening and caring.
Cindy

i think there are no absolutes, no way to say what works for this or that feeling in general. It will be 4 years for me in a couple of months. I am not unhappy and feel the routine ups and downs of life. i have felt some serious deep love and swooning feelings.
for me i know nothing was perfect about my marriage but i adored that life so the reality that it can change so suddenly makes me more aware and i am not as blissful and there is always an emptiness that i am sure not one person can fill.
i will never stop loving or living the best life i can. Its just not what i truly felt comfort and joy in and its a consant learning for me.
its not falling in love again but maybe just learning the things that bring me happiness in a completely different way