I lost my beautiful Mary Jo five years ago after 5 bouts with cancer over five years. We were married at 19, we raised two children, and had a wonderful and exciting life together for 50 years. We were head-over-heels in love for every minute of our life together. I was her caregiver for the last nine months, and she died where she wanted to be -- in our home, in my arms.

Her last words were to me, and they will always be in my heart and mind: "John, don't let this destroy the rest of your life. Just be who you have always been, and don't be afraid."

I won't go into great detail, because I am certain that everyone on this site knows what I went through -- the grief, pain and feelings of emotional and physical loss were at times overwhelming. I found this site after about three months, and it became an outlet for many of those emotions. It was helpful to be able to help, and be helped, by others who were on the same emotional roller-coaster.
For the next two years, I lived pretty much day-to-day -- and considered myself lucky to be able to do that. But, I never forgot Mary Jo's beautiful words, and felt as if I were really not living up to them. It was one morning almost three years after her death, that I decided that I needed to be half as brave as Mary Jo, and move on with my life.
I had worked for a large corporation, and we had lived in various parts of the country. As a family, we had always enjoyed living in and discovering new places. After our children were grown, and before she became ill for the last time, we talked about moving to the Southwest -- someplace where we had never been. Her bouts with cancer put an end to that possibility, but not the dream.

It was at the beginning of the third year that I decided that I would put pain and fear behind me and move ahead. I put our high-rise condo on the market -- which sold in less than two weeks. I set aside a few things that had emotional value for me, and donated/gave away everything else in the house. I packed my little van, and immediately after the real estate closing, my dog and I left the Washington DC area for our 3,000 mile trip to New Mexico.
Honestly, I felt a little pang of sadness as we pulled out of the parking lot. Leaving the last pace that we had been together. But that was quickly replaced by the realization that if Mary Jo were sitting in the passenger seat, she would be all smiles and bubbling at the beginning of a new adventure.
I drove the long southern route, and we took our time. It was a good trip, and I had many hours to just drive and think. I realized that what I had left behind were simply "places and things". That I had not left behind what was the most important in our life together. I still had those things in my mind and in my heart, and they would always be there. That I could think of our life together as the gift of joy that it was -- and make me smile. I think that's the way it should be.

I know that my experience is not for everyone, but it is what I needed. For myself, it was the process of "turning lose" that has made me realize how precious it is to love, and be loved. There is no joy without pain, no life without death -- and we have to accept both and live our life. We can't be afraid, and we will find that we need to take with us.

PS: Yesterday was Mary Jo's birthday. Happy birthday, my sweet princess!

John

Hi John! If I move, it will be about the same as you- starting all over again. I have lost two husbands in an 8 year time span. I considered going back to where I lived with the first one and discovered that his ex wife had "repossessed" him, if that is even possible with a deceased person. I recently posted about this on W&W. So, I am not sure I want to dwell in the same town as her, knowing she still loves him. I am trying to wrap up loose ends here in the NW and then at least take a trip back to visit my family. I seem to purchase headstones and then leave, right or wrong. I'm about to wrap that project up and then make a decision about relocating. People may call it "running away," but I think it might be good, therapeutic. I won't drive though; I drove out here from the Midwest, and just no. I'll have my vehicles transported somehow and fly. I don't want to be stuck in pain and grief from now on. It's not healthy for me. I'm torn between staying or leaving. My lease is up in July, which is around the corner. Not sure that will be enough time, but at least I will have a goal. Not sure who here would buy property next to Dennis... I should have put him by his first wife I guess. I didn't have my kids with either of these husbands, although one was adopted.

I know that it is not simple, nor easy to move ahead, especially when we are having to deal with it alone. We each have our own approach to dealing with the rest of our lives. You have a plan, and an idea of what you want to achieve, and to me that is important.

We never have all the answers in the beginning, and our plans may change as we move forward -- there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is that we have a goal, and realize that our future depends for the most part on on us. Accept what is past, have confidence, be kind to yourself yourself and keep looking forward.

There is an old Buddhist saying that goes:

"Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a mystery,
and today is a gift, which is why it is called the present.
What the caterpillar perceives as the end;
to the butterfly is just the beginning.
Everything that has a beginning has an ending.
Make your peace with that, and all will be well."

I learned a long time ago that if I want a job done, I have to do it myself. I do have a tentative plan, but my energy level is so low now that I allow myself to take frequent breaks. So true about our plans changing daily. I do feel that my middle son is going to need me when he goes into a halfway house in July. He will only have his wife and I for moral support. Yet I may not get there in his time frame. The good Lord will have to help me I guess. Was it hard for you to get rid of all your stuff? How do you decide what is sentimental from all those years? It is not a definite that I am moving back to my old stomping grounds' but I still need to downsize.

It was not particularly difficult for me to get rid of most things. Neither Mary Jo, nor I have ever formed strong emotional attachments to "things". One of my hobbies was woodworking, and I had made much of our furniture. Some of it went to our children, and the remainder I gave to friends who had always admired it and I knew would appreciate it. Mary Jo was a nurse, and I donated clothes, kitchen items and many other things to the Visiting Nurses Thrift Store in our area. Mary Jo did not have closets full of clothes, but what she had was always very nice. My daughter took some items, and the rest I donated to the Visiting Nurses, who were very happy to receive them.
I went through much the same process with with many items of my own, which I could not take with me. I guess the bottom line for me, was that I felt that everything that I gave away was going to where it was needed and appreciated.

There were a few things with sentimental value that I did keep. I had taken hundreds of photos in our life together -- I went through them and scanned 600 of them to keep in digital format. Mary Jo was an avid gardener, and she loved to see hummingbirds in her flower garden. When I would travel on business, I would always bring her a small gift -- usually something related to hummingbirds. She kept those in a small jewelry box with her nurses watch and nameplate -- I kept that box.
She had Addison's Disease (an adrenal deficiency), and always wore a Medic Alert bracelet. Medic Alert bracelets are intentionally difficult to remove, so that they cannot come off accidentally. Which also makes them difficult to put on without help. So every morning I would help her put her bracelet on, and take it off every night -- thousands of times over the years, and I would get a "peck" on the cheek each time. That bracelet is probably the one thing I kept that I feel a very strong emotional attachment to.

I think that we each have to decide what is meaningful to us. I asked our children to take what was meaningful to them, and I made a conscious decision that I would be very selective about what I kept. In retrospect, I think that was the right decision. For me, "things" are just "things", and what's truly important will always remain in my heart. and mind.

When my second husband passed in 2010, I tried giving some of his things to his son. Chris told me that those "things" were not his dad. I had to agree. I have to come up with a game plan soon. My neighbor pretty much forced me to park one of my cars over on another wider street so that he could get his boat and whatever out of his driveway without hitting me. I don't think that is right though. It needs to be in the garage. It's my back-up vehicle (pardon the pun). I downsized from a house into a duplex, but still have SO much stuff. I still have one small storage unit that costs me $84 a month. I really need to sell some of it (like tools) because I could use the money, but that is easier said than done. I may not get to move in July as planned, but I do hope to go see my kids and grand kids (the ones I am allowed to see). Visit my sister and brothers. I am thinking strongly about just having an estate sale. I would keep photos, books, my files, my clothing, and a few other sentimental items.

John, are you retired? I presume I can use your real name?

Yes, I retired to take care of Mary Jo while she was recovering from the last of five major surgeries -- a little over a year before her terminal diagnosis. I did some freelance consulting after I retired, but stopped when I became her caregiver. The move to New Mexico kept me busy, and I'm still finding my way around. I had a good career, I enjoyed it, but I don't miss "work" at all.

Those stupid surgeries!! He would have been better off to have not had them, in my opinion.

I never worked out in the public much, mostly been a housewife. I helped my last husband with his book publishing business. I don't think I want to start a career now, if I don't have to. I just signed up for Medicare. For me, it wasn't super complicated, since I already have CHAMPVA and individual dental and vision plans.

Redshoes, where did you run off to? I was enjoyed the conversation about downsizing. I struggle with it. I'm thinking I would still end up with a U-Haul full of stuff when it was all said and done.

Busy weekend.
I can tell you how I dealt with "downsizing", which may or may not work for anyone else.
As soon after her death as I was able to emotionally deal with it, my daughter and I went through Mary Jo's things (clothing mostly). My daughter kept some of them, I put a notice in the mail room of our high-rise building telling people that they were welcome to drop by our unit and take anything they liked. What remained I donated to the "Visiting Nurses".
I knew that I was eventually going to be moving, so I did much the same with my things. We had downsized to our condo from a large house nine years earlier. We had gotten rid of a lot during that move, but there was still a lot left. I also had rented a large storage unit that was filled with woodworking making equipment, tools, some household items, and a motorcycle. The storage unit was the biggest challenge. My son took some of the tools and woodworking equipment, I sold the rest (and the motorcycle) on Ebay, and donated or through away the household items.
I won't say that it was easy, but you really have to turn off your emotions and be pretty ruthless about what you keep. At the end of the day, you really have to ask yourself "what will I do with this item tomorrow if I keep it?" If you can't answer that question on the spot, you really should turn loose of it.

##Spoiler Alert# I have an engineering background, so you may find the following process a little over-kill. But hey!!!

I knew that I was not going to take anything more with me on my move than I could fit in my van. I measured the available space in the van, and marked out that space in the corner of our spare bedroom using "blue" painters masking tape. I ordered a number (36) of stackable hard-plastic moving "totes" that would fit in the space I had marked out. You could probably use cardboard boxes, but I knew that I would be handling these containers several times, and wanted them to be easy to handle and stack.
I took my my time packing the totes, numbered and cataloged what was in each one, and took the opportunity one more time to evaluate what I was taking.
It's a time-consuming process, but you really don't want to short-cut it and take things simply because you don't want to make a decision at the time. The day that I moved, I loaded the totes into the van (they fit perfectly), and there was no last-minute trauma.
After our 3,000 mile drive, everything arrived in good shape. When I unloaded my van and moved into my new apartment, I had my catalog listing and knew what was in every container.

John

I got rid of the clothes within a week's time, and his brothers bought/took some of the tools. I still have quite a few; I think my stepson wants some. I will keep a few for my own use, although I have always had my own toolbox.

I think I know the kind of totes you are referring to, but I already have many of the small ones from Walmart. I like the small moving boxes from Lowe's, as well. I like handles.

Not many guys are as precise as you, but I have known a couple (who measured space, etc.). We looked like the Beverly Hillbillies coming here from Oklahoma.

I suppose it comes down to picking and choosing. I have a Dodge Durango and a Buick. My Durango doesn't hold a lot, and someone else would have to drive it; or I could transport it. But yeah, I like the idea of cataloging everything, in the event that I do move. Still undecided. Worst case scenario would be to postpone it another 6 months to a year.

My brother has a wood shop (and a motorcycle). He made my mom a cedar chest, which I now have. I would hate to part with that! His health is really bad, so he might not be able to build me another.

I try to think outside the box; your ideas are good.

She (Carrie)

I knew that I was going to be on the road for a week, and that after I arrived in New Mexico I would be staying in a hotel until I found an apartment (which took two weeks). It was important that I arrange things in the van so that I could find the things I would need without having to unload and reload everything. Once I found an apartment, the catalog listing made it easy to find things while I was getting settled -- and I didn't have to unpack everything all at once.
I have to say that the extra effort at the beginning made it much less complicated when I arrived here. And it was good to have my mind occupied with something useful. Looking for an apartment in a place you have never been before is stressful enough.
I have been here a little over a year now, and I am happy. I found a really nice apartment at the base of the Sandia Mountains, and I like the weather. We are 5,500 feet above sea level, the air is clean, and the sky is an incredible shade of blue over 300 days a year.

John

I have always been a list person. Probably by April I will have a better perspective on everything. Thank you so much for the ideas. If I could figure out how to get my seats in my SUV to lie flat, I could probably fit more into it.

I started out more organized when I moved last July, but I didn't have much help, and time was of the essence. I was also running from memories that were too graphic to comprehend.

I feel like my kids need me to move back to Oklahoma, but I can't help but think of the tornadoes. I came close to losing some family members during the last one in the OKC area.

I was born and raised in Kansas City, and Mary Jo in Tulsa, so we were both very familiar with tornadoes. Spent more than a few hours sitting in the corner of the basement.
But, having lived on the East coast for thirty years, and living through four hurricanes, I have to say that hurricanes were much scarier for me. Luckily, I don't think there is much chance if either in New Mexico. We do, however, have occasional high winds and monsoon rains in the Spring and Fall.

P.S. There is probably a Youtube video that shows how to fold down the seats in your SUV. Heaven knows there are videos of everything else there.