HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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Death & Dying
/ HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Support Group

Dating/ Fears

mel40
mel40
I wonder where all these fears come from. Is it years of watching the news and movies? Why is it that dating is so intimidating? Maybe it's because we are so far removed from it when we are married. Ironically, my husband and I had a date night once per week. It's ironic because it was prescribed. When we dated before marriage it was fun. Then we had kids, hard to get out and when we did get out, I was exhausted. Later, in our marriage, we began date night. It was fun. I remember seeing young couples or couples who were not familiar with each other and thinking that it was exciting. Mine was better! I knew what I was getting! I knew he would be there.
So, I've dated and I've had fun and I've learned some things. What I've noticed is how afraid I am but other people are even MORE afraid! They tell me BEWARE! Guys are jerks. I have a hard time subscribing to that because I have great guy friends who were my husbands friends and mine. Dating to me is making new friends.
Anyway, I was afraid of the first date. Did it and it was fine. I was afraid of the first kiss. Did that and it was fine.
I want to get out and date some more but I'm afraid! Where does this fear come from? It doesn't make sense!
russ1153
russ1153
My plan is to just start out by making friends to build a social group as I currently have none. If one of those friendships grows into something more, great, if not that's OK too. I find doing it this way takes a lot of the stress out of it. I've gone to a few meet-ups in my area where a group of like minded folks get together for a dinner or a hike.

Best wishes

Russ
gayle1953
gayle1953
oh I hear you !!!!!!! mel. first kiss for me was weird and nice!!! uncomfortable too!!! second kiss . I laughed!!!! oh my gosh I am a dork!!! so happy it went fine for you!!! maybe there is hope for me lol hugs gayle
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well it's been 16 months since Richard passed away. Hmmm. Dating seems to be a very scary word. Especially since I have not dated another man in over 28 years. I think I have a few fearful parts about it. One is my children, the other is I am scared to death, such as Not knowing how to act, not knowing how I will react, knowing I am past the playing games stage. Whom will this guy be, how do I meet this guy. A whole lot of questions, but no answers. I know I am about to answer my own questions by saying "it's all in Gods hands and he is guiding the way". I am a strong independent person, whom pretty much speaks her mind. I am in the process of finding just me again, because I have been a couple for 261/2 years.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It has been 6 months since my husband died. I was talking to my SIL yesterday and she said that my nephew asked his mom if she would ever date or remarry ( her husband - my husband brother died three months before my husband -for her it is 9 month). I guess she told her son no. My SIL asked me if I would ever think about having a new man in my life. I told her at this time no - I am not ready. I cannot see that happening for at least two years. Then I told after that if it happens that would be okay. I would not go on web sites looking, or actively look for a someone. But if that is what God and life see for me in the future then so be it. I told her that I would never say never. I miss that companionship of eating with someone, cuddling on the sofa watching a movie, going out shopping, travelling. I do have friends that I can do things with. But it is different with a man.
What I probably would not do is get remarried. I am starting to like the life of not having to be responsible for someone else and doing what I chose to do. Do not get me wrong I miss and love my husband very much. If I could I would have him here with me.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Dating scared me too. I blamed it on being exclusively with my husband since high school. I look back and think it was more than that. The fear is normal in my opinion, especially considering what we've been through. My advice is take it slow and look forward to finding peace in yourself first before looking for it in others. I know many think how do I do that. A day at a time and with love and patience. Looking for reasons to smile and moving to find ways to make others smile too. Sharon
mel40
mel40
Sharon, that is a nice response. I think the fears come from a much deeper place as well. I realize that some of my fears come from my past marraige and difficulties in it. We were young when we got together. Kinda stupid... and there were some consequences. The thought of beginning a new relationship brings that to mind. Dating- I had a couple of not so nice experiences while dating back in those years, too Of course, I am older and wiser and much more self sufficient. But, still I remember.
Sharon, I like your response, because I am still looking for my inner peace. I don't know where it went. I don't know if I will ever find it.Some days, I have it and some days I don't. It's like, I'm not the person I once was and that creates some turmoil for me. Loneliness creates turmoil for me too. I'm working on that. Coming to terms with it and understanding it, instead of beating myself up for feeling it.
Caroline04
Caroline04
Mel, that is a good question. I feel that since my husbands death, I have lost a lot of self-confidence. I'm not sure why that is. Guess I've lost my nerve too!
jrp32079
jrp32079
I agree, dating is definitely intimidating. I was with Dina from the age of 18 and was 34 when she died (soon to be 35). In that regard I had next to no dating experience! The first date I went on after Dina died was with a woman I met online. When I was driving to meet her I had to call my SIL to ask how to greet her! Hand shake? Hug? I was clueless! I was told that it was not a business meeting so a hand shake was not an option! Thankfully she was already there and sitting at a table so I wasn't able to mess things up too badly. In the end it went well and we saw each other for a couple months. It is currently on hold from her end because of personal matters she needs to get in order. Not knowing what is going to happen with her I've obviously thought about when it would be time to look into dating another person. Even though I've already gotten over that first hurdle the thought of starting it over is intimidating once again!
jdpq
jdpq
You hug and kiss her on the first meet....then you both have taken care of the 1st three dates and you can both relax :)
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Jdpq, you're definitely braver than me in your response. If I felt my personal space was violated I would have run. Unless, of course, you were joking!! I'm also older than you too. Things have changed since I was dating my husband. Lol. Sharon
jdpq
jdpq
yes, my tongue was a little in my cheek...sounds like a solution though
mel40
mel40
I have dated a few guys and I am comfortable with my personal space. Remember that there are no rules. You can see someone else whenever you want. Kissing really isn't that big of a deal. Hugs are nice! I get hugs from friends and at church. I am 41. It has definitely changed. Dating, ugh! I met a man I was interested in and wanted to be friends with him. He invited me to go walking with him. Afterwards, he discovered I am single. I asked him out. Then I find out that maybe it's supposed to be the guy asking the woman out. Well, I screwed that up. I like this guys personality and character. Am I sane because I picked a good one that lasted 24 years or am I crazy because I've been single for almost a year? I don't know these rules. I don't know the game. Hence, there are no rules...... We are supposed to have a date tomorrow night. The movies. I asked him. I'm on a learning curve.... You are too.....