Dear Donna, There are no easy answers to any of the questions you have asked. Your grief is so very new. It is called a journey because you must travel it. Shed those tears, take what you need to take to get to sleep, get mad at the unfairness of your situation, you should be mad, it isn't fair, it isn't right. Some day waaaaaay down the road you will look back at your post from today and see the rawness of your pain and wonder how you ever made it through. I promise that day will come for you, just don't expect it soon. Hugs and peace to you, Lori

You are going through the natural phases, shock, disbelief, exhaustion, anger are all a part of this walk through a loss. I am so sorry you went through so much so soon, you are dealing with double loss which makes it so hard to handle. It is so normal to feel panic, loss of protection and of course the love you shared. The Daily Strength Widow support group provided so much help through this time for me. Don't be shy about sharing, as we have all been in your same spot at one point in this journey. 8 years later and re-married I have accepted what has happened, will never get over the loss or forget what life was before his death, but I have been able to go on and live life. My biggest help during my time of great pain was my journal. My son gave it to me and asked me to write in it every day- I screamed, I cried, I begged God, I wrote down fears and feelings on those pages- I think I have about 15 now and it has been something to go back and see how I survived the journey that I knew was the end of my life. I hope all of us had that special and wonderful love with our lost spouses, I know I did and I am so much more prepared to face life because of that love. Hang in there Donna, keep talking and sharing. I started out taking one second at a time and finally one day at a time, and as time passes you will find yourself on the other side stronger than you were. We are here for you. Bonnie

Journalling helped me as well. At 9 months since the loss of my husband i do not see any day to day progress but when i went back through my journal I realized I have come a long way in the healing process. Just give it time. I also saw a grief counsellor. Patti

Donna, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and dad. It takes a long time to get back to regular activities. At your stage I was plowing through my days with a frantic kind of mania, thinking I could somehow 'fix it' if I did this or that. You summed it up pretty well about the hurting/grateful dance, it takes time to really feel the grateful part again.
Hugs,
Jean

Thank you everyone that responded to my discussion. I am grateful that there is this place where we can vent and discuss feelings. It's helping me alot. Donna

I would echo what everyone else has said as well.. I know for me especially, those first couple of months, writing on my blog helped me...I still write there..usually "letters" or updates to my wife..yes...I know she's not there reading them...but it gives me comfort to "talk" to her..

Hi Donna,

I'm so very sorry for your losses. I agree with everyone else, I still journal and all of my entries are to my hub and of course I know he isn't reading them but it does comfort me. Sending you hugs. Lynn

Your post touched my heart, because even after many years I clearly remember the questions you struggle with. I also left my job because I could afford to, but it doesn't matter. Sometimes we just have to do it to survive. It's a day at a time and the days can be very hard. I felt like I was in a fog. They call it "widow brain "
I think we are so emotionally consumed we just shut down.
I spent a great deal of time crying when I wasn't angry at the unfairness of what happened. You need to feel these emotions because it is true. Feeling them is exhausting, I know. But avoiding or trying to cover them up is worse. I would wander around feeling lost and empty. There came a time I rode down to watch the river. Some things just to try to feel a sense of calm. I also wrote my feelings in a notebook for my private thoughts to be expressed. Some read like letters and others made little sense, but it didnt matter. I needed to express them. Some days coming to DS helped and some days I couldn't. Do what you feel in the minute and know that this is part of grieving. Sharon

I agree with everything that has been written. Take care of yourself, however you need to. I'm sorry for your loss.