It will happen when you least expect it,so relax. After my first husband died on the job when he was 20 and i was 6 months pregnant with a 16 month old I had No desire or even Want to Ever be with anyone Ever again...He looked at me I at him and took my phone off the hook for like a month cause i didnt want him to call me....36 years almost later he just passed...it is going to take time.

Vacation?????

If you are feeling sad without real external reasons, one would think about chemical unbalance, but yours is based on real events.
Perhaps you are experiencing a condition in which a person feels discouraged, sad, unmotivated, or disinterested after losing a spouse but also getting in a relationship while not being fully recovered from the previous loss. Going through a breakup can lead a person to feel sad, lonely, unwanted.
While you might experience feelings are normal reactions to life's stressors, you might want to reflect and see how you can prevent from being in more pain in a future.
You mentioned that several of your divorced or widowed friends got remarried within a year or two after the loss. Maybe this set up a social norm that you compel to conform to in order to feel happy.
I also have friends who only feel elation and validated if in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, romance is a beautiful thing, having a companion is great. Yet, there so many people just in love “being in love”, essentially neglecting developing any identity on their own.
Many people get on dating website seeking a romantic action right after the divorce, a funeral, or a breakup, and it ends up as a disaster, because nobody can fill their void.
It takes time to rebuild your own," uncoupled" and autonomous identity, and to start new life. It does not have to happen in isolation, but the essence of that new person, and his or her new life should come from within.
You are full of energy, you have youthful look and high social drive, so you have a tremendous potential to eventually meet someone and let them to fall in love with you. But first fall in love with your new life, have fun, grow, enjoy your many blessings.
Let them come into your life where you are already contented and relaxed with or without a partner in it. A woman who has an interesting life on her own is very intriguing and challenging, and quality men like challenge.
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.
Good luck.
J

i like what you said Comfortably...

I do think society or social pressures, social media these days give us far too many opportunities to compare our lives to what looks happy for others on the outside.

Its ok to just be...be who you are, discover that....for me its been the most important part of the past nearly 5 years now. Its normal to be up and down on any given day but looking within and also learning to be happy in just the day to day is a real beginning to being ok. Its way ok to not be remarried or coupled but saying it and knowing it and feeling it is totally different.

Mel, sorry you are down. I gain a great insight from my daughter although she is now 24, someone living with you and seeing your day to day struggles often knows so much more than we can see.

your life is yours to do with what you want. If you are thinking you are depressed, i think its helpful to see a Physician or a professional and discuss that with them.

best wishess for your learning to live in your life as it is, there is no set time, 3 years, 5 years we all go through things and we do have to allow the feelings and not set our expectations of ourselves to disappoint us

I suppose all of it is right. And I guess I have put too much expectation on happiness or what my life would look like right now. It definitely is a process that changes gradually. I am very hard on myself when others are hard on me. And having a teenaged daughter, well, she can be very hard on me... And herself....
Part of me still seeks perfection in my life. I know this because I'm always critical of my house, yard, car, etc. that was definitely the most difficult part of loss. The little, white picket fence dream disappeared. I've been trying to grab that brass ring since. That illusion of tomorrow or something else that will make me happy.
Back to today. Me. I got 3 hours sleep last night trying to keep up with a teen. It's going to be a slow day. A slow me.

Hi Mel, It's a good sign that you see that things aren't quite right with you and that you and your daughter are talking about it.

You may not be suffering from depression but talking to a psychologist might be helpful. Talking about what you're experiencing with someone outside your life might give you insights into what's going on and so helpful guidance to get you back on track. A little help organizing your thoughts and feelings and understanding them could very well get you back on track, find peace with your life and enjoying life again.
~John

I'm thinking it might also be worth looking into things like hypothyroidism and/or peri-menopause having these impacts on you. I had one really great nurse tell me a few years back that at or near menopause everything goes haywire for a while. Combine that with grieving, stress, complexities of almost grown children, and the lack of a trusted partner to share life's ups and downs with, and it would be a miracle if any of us are "happy" for more than a moment or two in a given day. That's my two cents anyway. Best wishes as you work through this phase.

Mel,
I also can say that I am not the same gregarious, high energy socialite I used to be...
My energy was limitless, I had a constant need to move, to be in zillion places in one day, afraid that life was happening and I was missing it....

Even after the tragedy I was trying to maintain that lifestyle; I tried to never miss a new performance, or a social function. Now I know why: I was lost, but I was also afraid of being totally lost in oblivion.
Until one day I realized… ” I do not want the same things, "socializing"
does not charge me as it used to, and people gathered into crowds are simply draining.”
I learned to like new me, a person who seeks quiet places, parks, water, meaningful conversations, even just being one on one with a good books or a film.
I love Yoga; healing, it is powerful for mind, body and spirit. My friends share this passion and we find it very enjoyable.
There are so much to discover and to appreciate in this new life, just take your time, and one breath at a time move toward it.
Peace

Mel, I can relate. As you know we recently discussed the dating thing and I also have issues with friends. I have several different groups of friends and I find that my closest knit group is upset b/c I'm doing things with other people, feels like grade school sometimes, and then I just get sad b/c I think if my husband were still here I wouldn't be dealing with any of this stuff.
A full time job, two kids who live their own lives, grandchildren I see when it works for their schedules, which is limited by a daughter who feels like she has to be the center of their world and keeps everyone else at bay, all the responsibility of house work, maintenance and everything else that life throws at you, it's no wonder that we have any kind of joy at all??
When I feel overwhelmed like this, I go out and walk/run and listen to music, say a prayer and tell myself that someday I'll reach the top of this mountain but for now it doesn't matter how long its been, I still down slide alot and I think maybe you do too?? Turn on some music, it might make you cry and if so maybe you need it, it might make you smile and feel joy and then you just might want to dance !!

I just read a post on the Widows_Widowers board about someone else reaching the 3 year mark. It's a time of different grief. I originally thought it was worse than the acute pain of loss but discovered it was different. We spend our time struggling through the loss to discover that we are no longer the person we were. We adjusted to being part of a team and now the team is gone and we stand alone, lost.

The Mel you are is in there. She's bruised, but stronger than you think. She's wise beyond your belief. She is a fighter and a champion. Believe in you, you're worth it and you deserve it. Take your power back and know that you are whole and capable of many good things. Sharon

I've followed your posts for a long time now and I can see myself in many of the things you have posted. My impression is that you made the decision to be positive, to move forward, to do anything you could to put your loss behind you. You dated seriously, and almost remarried........ I did all these things as well, except I went through with the marriage.

Looking back, I can now see that I was running away from my grief. That I put it in a box and tried my best to keep the lid closed so I didn't really have to deal with it. The problem is, it just doesn't work..... eventually, you have to confront the loss. The lid is going to come off that box no matter what......and I think that's where you may be..

Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to work through whatever it is you need to do. You are a strong woman and you will find your joy again. Just give yourself time.

I get it. I am different. In a good way, a thoughtful way. I'm no longer trying to grab the brass ring of life. I live my life day to day and just allow life to happen, rather than trying to conform or "make it" happen. I have fewer expectations and less guilt. Honestly, I used to be a perfectionist and tried to paint a portrait of "the American Dream", but dealing with a cancer illness took that away and taught me to live in the moment more, take care of myself better and lose the expectations. I learned to face REALLY harsh truths that I couldn't stand. I learned to accept that I am human and life is life.
I hadn't thought about it this way. Grief is different at this point. It's not that immediate, searing pain that sends me into fits of tears. It's the quiet waters. The reflection on who I was. It's who I am.
Thank yall so much for the understanding and insight. Recently, I realized how much I love being the solo mom to my daughter. Not for the benefits of it but because I feel confident in my ability to do it. I've dealt with a storm in a teenaged girls life and kept us both afloat. Not without her being scarred but I've kept our heads above water. I love her in a very different way than I loved my sons who were 19 and 20 when their Dad died. They don't understand. They see a girl who has dipped into some very dangerous life situations. I see a girl who has tried to deal with the pain and felt like she was drowning but has listened to me when I yelled "Hold on! I've got you! You're going to be ok!"
Yes. I'm different. I'm happy that I'm different. I'm glad I can see that now. Deep breath out. Thank you!

Hi Mel, Please don't take this the wrong way as no offense is intended. But you need to listen to your daughter. Having grown up a child of alcoholics, I learned early to conform myself to other people's expectations and it wasn't until I found happiness with my true love that I became less concerned about appearances while in a profession that demanded a certain appearance and demeanor from me. But after about 20 years, I couldn't stand the profession anymore and broke away to discover my true self. About the same time, I stopped drinking and got delivered from my own alcoholism. It is healthy for us to want to change ourselves, but not healthy to change to meet the expectations of anyone else or to change just for the sake of change. The key is getting to know yourself and to do that we have to look inside. We've all got baggage and broken pieces, learning to change how we react to certain triggers is key. But we can't begin to fix ourselves until we know what is wrong -- and from experience I can say that trying to better myself through other people's definitions of "better" does not work for me. It was only when I spent a number of years looking inside myself that I began to discern what I liked and what I didn't. But none of that did me any good until I learned to forgive myself and then love myself. We should be a work in progress until the day we die. It is only when we find ourselves not changing and growing that we have a problem. Hope something I wrote helps -- but best advice I can give is -- Don't worry about it, just go with the flow and it will all work out on its own. Save your energy on just having fun! ~~~ Scottie

Mel, I'm in the same boat a little. It's been awhile since I've been on this site, just happen to pull it up today.
It's been just over 3 years for me too. I've been thinking maybe it's one of those stages we go through. Not sure what's next. For me nothing has really changed in my life in 3 years, got a 2nd job but that's it. I was taking better care of myself for a long time, getting healthier and then about 6 months ago just kind of started back to bad habits.
I know I'm not grieving like that first year but I've been feeling a little depressed. I'm tired of being depressed, I know I'll miss him forever but I need to be happy. Hopefully warm weather will help.
Thanks for being here.
Diane