HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
As I have been reading the discussions on dating as widows, I recalled a time about 20 years ago when we knew three women, one in her 60's, one in her 70's and one in her 80's, who dated and then remarried. I am recalling this tongue in cheek because it was quite humorous overall, but at the same time a LITTLE disconcerting for many bystanders!
First of all, it was almost embarrassing for those of us talking with these women because they would talk about personal things that they had NEVER mentioned when married to their first spouses. Even though most of us were in our 30's and older, we found it a little uncomfortable to be discussing the sexual desires, etc. of women in this age group! So, if you are in this situation, a little restraint with those younger than you might be appreciated especially if these topics had never been mentioned before your spouse passed away! After observing this, I told my daughter that if I were ever in this situation and started behaving that way, that she had my orders to take me and put me in a convent for a few years until I settled down!
Another thing that happened with my MIL was that she became so involved with this fellow that she just abandoned her family for several years. I remember that she came up supposedly for my daughter's high school graduation but spent the entire time on the telephone with her beau. This was quite hurtful to her granddaughters who had not seen her for several months. This continued for several years after they were married and her children and grandchildren were quite hurt by it although they never broached it to her. It got to the point that she would call her own daughter by her step-daughter's name because she spent so much time with her husband's family! And, since he was uncomfortable, they did not attend any family gatherings for several years. They did, however, go to his family's gatherings.
I haven't ventured into this situation yet, but I have these very vivid memories of these other women to help guide me if I ever do travel down this path. I just hope that I don't forget everything in the glow of the moment! I applaud all of you who have the courage and desire to enter into this part of your lives and hope that you are all successful in finding the person who is a right fit for you. Someday, maybe, I might......but not yet!
First of all, it was almost embarrassing for those of us talking with these women because they would talk about personal things that they had NEVER mentioned when married to their first spouses. Even though most of us were in our 30's and older, we found it a little uncomfortable to be discussing the sexual desires, etc. of women in this age group! So, if you are in this situation, a little restraint with those younger than you might be appreciated especially if these topics had never been mentioned before your spouse passed away! After observing this, I told my daughter that if I were ever in this situation and started behaving that way, that she had my orders to take me and put me in a convent for a few years until I settled down!
Another thing that happened with my MIL was that she became so involved with this fellow that she just abandoned her family for several years. I remember that she came up supposedly for my daughter's high school graduation but spent the entire time on the telephone with her beau. This was quite hurtful to her granddaughters who had not seen her for several months. This continued for several years after they were married and her children and grandchildren were quite hurt by it although they never broached it to her. It got to the point that she would call her own daughter by her step-daughter's name because she spent so much time with her husband's family! And, since he was uncomfortable, they did not attend any family gatherings for several years. They did, however, go to his family's gatherings.
I haven't ventured into this situation yet, but I have these very vivid memories of these other women to help guide me if I ever do travel down this path. I just hope that I don't forget everything in the glow of the moment! I applaud all of you who have the courage and desire to enter into this part of your lives and hope that you are all successful in finding the person who is a right fit for you. Someday, maybe, I might......but not yet!
It's the same with dating, especially if you find someone who is special for you. I can remember, even as long as 3 years after my husband died, I couldn't imagine ever being intimate with another. I was lonely and felt a companion to go to dinner with or talk to was perhaps, but actual dating was out of the question. This is also
normal for many, yet not all. I was 60 when my husband died. We were first loves and celebrated our 40th Wedding Anniversary.
Where the change came was I met my "gift from God" one day when we shared a cup of coffee at a public café. The connection was immediate and we felt like teenagers again. It's a great blessing to have love twice in your life. And totally unexpected makes it more so. Of course decorum is necessary and proper in all phase of life. I never could put anyone above my children and family, but I certainly enjoy my second chance at loving again. Sharon