HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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drew4lostluv 02/16/2014

I honestly didn't think I could love again but when I saw that I could I may of destroyed any chance of a future with her. Things went way to fast and I felt things way before I should. It's been 10 years almost 11 sense I have dated. I forgot that things take time to blossom. I forgot how to be a gentleman. She put a hold on things and told me that she couldn't handle the pace that our relationship was going. The last time I was around her she was so uncomfortable that she didn't even want to hold my hand. That was a drastic step back from where we were. I wont go in to detail but we did everything a couple usually does and now we are here. Here is where we should have started to begin with but like I said we went way to fast in the beginning. Did I screw this up when I found out that I could love again. She wants us to start completely over and just forget what has happened. I cant forget though. I don't want to be with anyone else and I would love a second chance but I don't know if it is worth trying because I didn't feel that connection we had at first. She says she still loves me and that there is something between us or she would have been gone a long time ago. She said that she doesn't love me near as much as I love her but she doesn't know exactly how she feels. I am already heart broken over this. I was just wondering if its possible for her to have feelings for me again or did my overbearing her prevent any thing from ever happening. I just know that I care deeply for her and I want things to work out.

Patriciavara 02/17/2014

Hi! You sound like such a kind and gentle man, and maybe your emotions just got the best of you. I know you don't want to be alone, none of us do. I think you should certainly give this time and sit down to talk with this lady. It is definitely worth a try. Take good care,,,,, Patricia

drew4lostluv 02/17/2014

Thank you for your kind words.

Meboysmom 02/17/2014

Tell us more about this special person. Is she a widow or divorced. How soon between her last relationship did you come into her life? Try and step back and look at her situation and realize she may be all jumbled and afraid to become attached so fast. If you think there is a chance - are you willing to give her some space, starting from square 1, re-woo her gently and show her that you can be trusted with her heart? Take a deep breath - if a relationship is meant to be it is worth taking time to make a good foundation before building the ceiling.

jdpq 02/17/2014

There is no easy answer and I'm no Dear Abby but the best advice is to always be a gentleman. I would say in the future take your queue from the lady. However...someone who is nervous or a dodo bird which we all can be might miss the signals from the lady... But...and this is important. Guess what? That lady might be thinking just like you, she might be nervous and not know what to do or how to send or receive signals... If she is a good catch and a good person she might not hold any missteps you make against you and will let it slide. The one clue and I'm no Sherlock Holmes either is this from your post... "She wants us to start completely over and just forget what has happened." I would take that as a good sign and don't give up.

drew4lostluv 02/17/2014

Thank you all. You all were very helpful. But Someone hit it right on target. I don't value any of your opinions more than the other but she does have a past of being physically abused. She ended things with him 4 months ago but still carries emotional trauma from it. I try to be kind and gentle but sometimes there is nothing I can do to make her see that I am not like him. When she gets upset with me she generalizes me along with all the other men that have hurt her. I know what to do about this. I need to just be their for her and let her see that I am not the monster she was with, That I am just me. If you have any idea how i can show her in a better way then i plan to then feel free to make suggestions.

BotsBushBaby 02/18/2014

I think that must be the problem. I was involved with someone for two and a half years who was a narcissist and it is taking awhile to trust again to believe that there are still good men out there. You will have to be very patient, understanding and know when she needs "space". 4 months is not long and she will still be healing from the abuse.. be kind and patient with her and show her that you are a good guy :-) I know from experience, that the scars take a long time to heal and one has to learn to trust again.. its not easy but one can get there. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you find happiness together :-)

BotsBushBaby 02/18/2014

Comfortablynumb 02/20/2014

Drew, don't beat yourself up over this experience. You are still very fresh from the grieving, and that makes you vulnerable, prone for developing quick attachment than is not safe to do.

Nonetheless, I don't think it is a lost case, however, just be smart and patient. Being smart, I mean redirecting your attention to yourself, and other important things that do not involve her. Shifting your focus to other priorities will occupy you and your time, which is what is needed now to quit being too clingy (your words). This way you get something else done, which will bring your self esteem back up, and possibly make you feel less needy for her approval. Moreover, this change might intrigue her. Women are attracted to guys who have life on their own, and not always easily available.
I surely hope things will work out.
Take care

katerlou 02/20/2014

Drew: Relationships are certainly not easy. We all want to be love and be loved by someone. I do believe that you both need to sit down and discuss things in depth. She might still be in love with her abuser and has not let go completely, just as a part of us can't. I swear loneliness makes us all a little crazy. I have know a guy for 38 years whom I dated in high school. We are just friends, but I know he loves me and would want more. We grew in different ways and I do care about him, but I am not in love with him. He is someone I can trust completely, but our values in life are different. I don't know if this lady and you are really meant for each other. I believe if you are both truthful with each other you might find out the underlying issues.

Good Luck to all in our new Life.

Kate

rochelle1466 02/20/2014

I hope you will give it some time, give yourself some time. Relationships are hard anytime but after losing our spouse, they seem just so foreign and so weird. If we have so many confusions and the other person as well does then it makes it just seem so much more difficult. That being said, who knows what may develop, and only time can tell. In the meantime, its a great time to get to know you and the lessons you are learning from being in the relationship and what you need, want and may not want. Things internally that only you know. Wish the best for you. Just happy to see you are posting again

drew4lostluv 02/20/2014

Thanks once again for your very insightful replies.
Their is another issue that I don't quite understand.
We talk on Facebook messenger nearly all day every day. It doesn't bother me that much but sometimes it seems like it starts fights that I don't think should be an issue. We talk on their from 8am. To 9pm almost constantly. I get annoyed by it because it only starts fights. I don't think it is good for us to only see each other once a week and then talk almost all day every day, knowing that an argument is going to occur.
I think that she has trust issues and is keeping me in check. I like talking to and messaging her but I don't like that we message so much and it seeming like she is looking for me to screw things up, which frustrates me tremendously.

drew4lostluv 02/21/2014

Well I just found out that she still has feelings for her ex. So I am out of that.

deleted_user 02/21/2014

I am in the same boat. Luckily the lady is smarter than me, so she knew what I was going through was a crush and not love. We have dialed things back to a wonderful friendship, and it would not have happened if she didn't want it. Your lady friend seems to be the same. She would have bounced already if she did not like you. Slow things down (I actually took some trips just to get away ... I was bugging her too much), stop asking her out, give her space to actually miss you, then just be friends.

drew4lostluv 02/22/2014

Well Mark I agree with you. The thing that really hurts me is that her ex is an abusive person and knowing that there is a possibility that she will leave me for him eats at me even more. I wish I didn't have to worry about that but I do it makes me sick.

drew4lostluv 02/24/2014

Well things have improved with me and this girl. I don't know how things will go but we are dating again with a difference. I don't feel like I can't live without her. This is the way it should have been from the get go and I feel much more comfortable with the situation.

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