Marilyn, If you have found someone to help lessen your grief, I'm happy for you. Apparently you were dearly loved by Charlie. You knew that he would want you to be happy. If the new man is good to you it probably is exactly what you need right now. Take your time, enjoy, and let things happen the way they are supposed to.I wish you the very best. Hugs, Dolores

Marilyn, your post really hit home with me. I started seeing an old boyfriend after 9 months. It is now 24 months and even though I am so very grateful/thankful for his love, I still miss my husband dreadfully. I don't think that can ever change. I sometimes feel like two different people.......one who loves the one I am with, and one who still loves the man I was married to for 46 years. I don't feel that it is wrong...just confusing to say the least. Everyone says that we should live one day at a time so that is what I'm trying to do, but it is awfully hard for someone like me who always planned ahead, etc. Big hugs from AZ.

I think it’s par for the course to be confused...
I think it’s nice that you met someone you care about.
Like it or not, we do have to move on. Our loved ones are not coming back.
I think guilt is a normal, understandable emotion, but if you feel your husband wants you to be happy, just see where the relationship goes, and enjoy.

Marilyn, it's been three years since my husband passed. My new beau lost his wife 18 months ago. We care deeply for each other, and he adores my kids, but we still miss our late spouses immensely.
I had a chat with my son yesterday about the confused feelings - he's starting to care for Art, while at the same time really missing his dad. I told him that's ok, that's normal. Liking Art does not mean he loved/loves dad any less; we can love many people at the same time.
Enjoy your new life. Bless you both.
Jacq.

Thank you everyone for responding. Hearing it's okay from others who are going through this has helped more than you know. It's not that I needed anyone's approval but hearing from all of you it's okay to be confused, it's okay to move on and it's okay to be happy makes me feel normal with all that is going on. I don't post often but read a lot of posts on here and that has helped also. Thank you all once again.

Maybe it is just me and my cautious approach, but I am a strong advocate for a Meet UPs or other neutral non dating interaction before entering the actual dating scene.
Meet Up or any other volunteer activities are good for regaining that comfort level in the social interaction with the opposite sex while being engaged into some activities with the group of people.
Worked for me wonderfully, meeting new people, going to a movie, celebrating holidays, and learning about that new single life before I felt strong enough to be one-on-one on a date.
Whatever works for you, just be safe and guard your interests.
I did it that way because I was concerned for my well being and my reputation. I am in a dating relationship now, and it is going well. I think it is because I took my time learning myself and the new ways of the way people interact in new millennium :-))
Good luck.

Marilyn.....you ask how do you have such a good time with one man and cry about another?
You simply have two lives. The one your living now and the one that ended when your husband died. Two different volumes. That's how I look at it. You never forget your lost love but you learn to honor them by living the best life that you can right now. There's room in your heart for both.
Here is a copy of a post I made a bit ago....it is a bit long but it explains how I separate my "lives"...

"I've been sitting back and taking a good long hard look at myself, where
I've been, where I am and where I think I'm going.

Where I've been? To hell and back, that's where. I lost my love to several
illness the worst being end stage renal failure. It was a tumultuous 6
years to say the least. But, during those years riddled with one set back
after another, Ira and I became closer in a deeper spiritual sense I think
due to the underlying unspoken knowledge that he probably wouldn't ever get better. Therefore...I tried to make every single day as important and
filled with love and hope for him as I possibly could. I worked full time
and pretty much took over all of the responsibilities of running our lives
while he was homebound for well over a year. Not an easy task but one I
would do over in a heartbeat.

Where am I? In the present. That's where. I refuse to look back and
basically cry over spilled milk. At first there was guilt that I didn't do
enough to keep Ira alive and healthy. Now I know that that's not true. I did
everything under the sun and more and still failed. But that's okay. I made
life happy and safe and comforting for him. Maybe not for me at the time but he didn't need to know that. He thought we were fine and that's all that
mattered to me.
Now I try and live everyday to its fullest! I have fun. I enjoy people. I
go out to eat. I work. I play. I live and I still love! There's room in our
heart for so much more than we realize. Just give your self a break from
all the sadness. Look around and revel in the things that make this world
beautiful! Small simple things really do add up to a well rounded life.
Of course I miss Ira terribly and the life we had together. But I have
always realized that nothing my friends....simply nothing....lasts forever.
You can not take life or love for granted. You must live for the moment.
So...that's what I'm doing now. Living, loving and enjoying the moment. Ira
would want me to do just that. Life is just to short. When you really think
about it, I'm 55 years old. I'll be lucky to have a good 20 years left.
Scary, yes but it's reality. Why should I wait to live and enjoy life again?
Who makes the rules? Oh, that's right...."they" say.....who the heck are
"they" anyway?

Where do I think I'm going? Well, I do know in my heart not to make any
huge decisions early in the grief process. I believe I have entered the
Acceptance and Hope stage fairly early on this journey. Don't know why but I'm ready. In the last stage of the 7 stages of grief one arrives at the
belief that although life will never be the same again after the loss, there
is hope that life will go on. I can accept this. That's where I am going.
Forward. Ira's not here anymore. He will always be in my heart. I will
love him forever and I will love myself forever....however, I have room in
my heart for more love and that's where I'm going and the future looks very promising. To me, love helps the healing process.

So how do I sepearate my feelings of loss and now the feeling of hope?
I view my life as a series of books. The first is my life up until
marriage. The second volume is marriage. The third volume is being written right now. When the first volume ended, I enthusiastically closed the book, threw it on the shelf eager to write the next book being a newlywed full of hope. That volume took 30 years to write, had a scary and new beginning, a sad ending but the middle was wonderful and I wouldn't have traded it or rewritten it for the world! Like any good book, I hated to see it end, but every book has an ending and this one was no different. So....I gently put volume 2 on that shelf next to volume 1. I may go back and reread it from time to time to remember all of the beautiful memories. Sometimes I run my fingers lovingly along the worn spine and think of all the love enclosed between the two covers. But, I leave it on the shelf because now that book is closed. Over. Volume 3 now begins. I have a brand new pen and am ready...really ready to start writing...
Love and strength to all of you my friends...
Darcie
Posted on 02/04/16, 02:48 pm"

So with all that said....I too am only into my 9th month since Ira passed. I look at that life with fond, loving and bittersweet memories. Now, I unexpectedly without even looking, have had such a wonderful, caring, kind and funny man come into my life and show me how bright and wonderful the future can be. Never in a million trillion years would I ever have expected to be blessed twice!
Do I feel guilt? No....do I miss Ira? Of course I do just as my new man misses his wife who passed 2 years ago. We both "get it" and have no problem speaking of our past lives. We laugh at some of the antics we've all gotten into. Plus we support each other during the melancholy times that naturally hits us all. There is no jealousy of the past, no comparisons of our partners to each other and no qualms about speaking openly about then and now.
If anything...the past has made us who we are today. I believe more understanding, compassionate and peaceful people. We know how short and fragile life is. We now know to live each day as if it were a gift.

Don't be afraid to cry over your past from time to time. Acknowledge it, embrace it, and accept it. You can't change it or live in it. Life is for the living. Your spouse wouldn't want you to be unhappy just like you wouldn't want that for them if the roles were reversed. Honor them by living and loving to your fullest capacity Marilyn!

And as far as worrying about what other people think?.......who cares! They haven't walked in your shoes. They haven't a clue!
Do what's right for you and what makes your heart feel good!
Good luck to you and don't ever be afraid or ashamed to truly enjoy yourself!
Darcie

A postscript to my previous post....
I met my sweet new guy last year on the DS widow/widowers main board. Neither of us were looking for a romantic relationship and became close friends first. He's truly an angel sent from above!
There is a photo of us on this board. I belive it's the first in line if you take a peek!
Have a great day everyone!

Darcie

I do think its important in that first year of emotions not to jump to much committment because your emotions are fluctuating so often within an hour sometimes. for me I had a friend, male who i grew up with that stepped up to help me sort through many things and we are still great friends and not in a romantic relationship. But he held me up many nights, let me cry and tried to understand what he simply could not. I appreciate him still, if i need something fixed or an ear or a male opinion thats my go to male friend for life.

I think anything that helps us get through is simply a matter of what you need in your life. Grief is so individual, the common emotion is deep pain but how we handle it, for me there is no right or wrong as long as you are not putting yourself or children at risk.

I am like Comfortably, very cautious but much of it is because i did not trust myself early on and did have feelings of wanting to fill the huge emptiness but also was concerned more for my daughter, her grief and that kept me from her just seeing me react to impulse and helped me from being impulsive...its nearly 5 years and falling in love is great, I do not look too far into wanting to be remarried or anything, just enjoy love, its precious

I am grateful for all the insight that you all have shown me. I am taking my time with this relationship. I have no idea if this will be a long term relationship or not but we are having fun and he has been very thoughtful of my feelings and how I feel and I couldn't ask for anything more at this point. Again I thank all of you for your opinions and feelings about this. I wish the best for everyone on this site...we all deserve it.

Marilyn