Mel:
Can I so relate to this post! I've had to put up some boundaries myself, not just with former in-laws, but also with immediate family.
An hour after my husband's funeral, my sister, the only blood relative I had to attend the funeral, criticized my housekeeping skills (I had cardboard boxes of 'stuff' - medical supplies 'lying around') and that my kids were overweight.
My brother didn't come for the funeral, and hasn't bothered to contact me once in 2 years to see how the kids and I are doing.
Some of my in-laws persist in blaming me for my husband's death.
Others have made it pretty clear they want nothing more to do with the kids and I.
I asked my in-laws to take my husband's ashes back to Australia, and bury them with his parents - that was his wish. Instead, they've been scattered somewhere - and the family has not told me where, nor did they inform me of when and where his memorial service was held so I could inform his friends.
So, to heck with them. I have amazing friends, women so close to me I call them my adopted sisters, and adopted aunts to my children. Through the years they've been far more support to me than my family ever has.
Some people, sadly, don't have the maturity to look past their own feelings to 'be there' for others - sounds like your in-laws are part of that group. They cannot deal with their own grief, and put themselves out there for their grandkids - as you said, their loss.
Focus on the relationships that feed your joy.
As for special events - well, you could continue to invite them, but don't expect them. If they do show up - it will be a lovely surprise.
hugs, Jac.

Hi Mel,
I've also had issues with my in-laws. It's been three years since my husband died but, I was really pissed for the lack of involvement that they showed when my husband was dying of cancer. I did a lot of reading, the most helpful books were the art of happiness from the Dalai Lama. I had to learn to let it go. I know they are grieving in their own way and neither one of us has the right to judge. My father in-law died six months ago and my sister in-law wants to exclude me and my three kids from the will even though my late husband's name is on the will. All I can do is be patient while she is going through the estate issues. Every one I talk to about this can't believe that she could be so cold as to exclude her nieces from their late father's inheritance. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round, so if someone does not add value and joy to your life, I have not problem to let them go.

Antonella

I believe this comes under the category of taking care of you, and your children. It's their choice and their decision, so I would move on with people who care and support you in your life. I had the same issues with someone also. I tried to no avail and moved on. Sharon

Forgiveness is so important because it releases you from the torment of wondering why. I am glad you are able to do this for you. As for your husband's family, they will have to deal with their actions themselves. You are right it is their loss.
Hugs,
Val

Thank you for your post Mel. I believe you are doing the right thing. I am on a similar track. My husband's brother dropped out of my life suddenly and it was such a shock as he was the one person I was sure I could count on. He is the one that is all about family, attends all the weddings, family reunions, funerals, and travels all over visiting his kids, grandkids, cousins, etc. So, the fact that he was not there for me was very hurtful. I learned from a family member that he just cannot handle his brother's death. I wish I had that choice. So after waiting for calls that never came, support that never materialized, and crying many many tears over it, I took a different approach. I realized he is not my blood relative and he owes me nothing. I owe him nothing. I do not wait any longer for the calls that will not come. I have decided to let them (sister-in-law included) do that to me. I have felt a huge sense of relief since making that decision. It would have been nice to have had their support but I am proud of myself for getting through this first year and if it was without them, well, that's on them. I am okay with letting them go. It was taking a huge amount of energy to try and keep them in my life and now that I am not doing that I can put that energy to other things that are healthy and positive.

So MIL called my daughter and asked if she could send her money for her 16th birthday. Daughter said yes. MIL asked if she could cash a check, my daughter said "just make it out to my mom, she will cash it for me." That gives me great satisfaction. I like that my daughter handled herself so well. I was listening to her and she sounded very phony with Grandma. As it should be when a grandparent isn't there for her grand daughter, or an uncle isn't there for her.
These people live minutes away from us. It's rediculous that they would Mail a check instead of visiting. But hey, she's going to get a present this year!

It's been 2 years and 4 months since my husband passed. My mil blamed me for my husband having cancer. He was furious with her. Before he died we barely spoke the last few years because you know that saying "no one is never good enough". So I pretty much washed my hands of her. Like I told my husband, that is your mother and I would never put him in a position to choose but don't expect me to go visit or carry on a conversation with her. She was slightly upset because I honestly did not include her input in his funeral, I did ask her if she wanted anything special but other than that she had no say so. It took many years of me trying to stop pleasing her for me to realize that she was the one with the problem. Since he died she does call once every few weeks, and I am civilized out of respect for my husband. But she knows me well enough to keep her mouth shut because I will bite back. And if she doesn't see her grandchildren or talk to them then that's her loss. It took me many years to come to that conclusion also. Even with my own dad. He chose not to be in my life when I was in my late 20's. I have come to the conclusion that some people don't realize how short life is and they don't care.

So, why do you think your in-laws act this way Mel? Do you think they see their own mortality now and it makes them uncomfortable, lack of social skills, ignorance?

SS103, I think you are doing the right thing. Unhealthy relationships are unhealthy relationships no matter who it is with.

Nor in my wildest dreams either Mel. It sounds like you've done what you can and setting yourself up for more hurt is not the way to go. My advice is stick to letting go, let time heal, and be a family with those who commit to it, to caring. I'm on the fence about inviting them to events ~ if you don't invite them they can't not show. Blessings to you.
Jean