I think feeling guilt when dating after losing your husband is fairly normal. I did well into the second year. I am proud to be a black woman. I have raised my 22 year old daughter to have dated whomever she likes for who they are. I can only applaud you for learning that lesson at whatever age. If you daughter learns that lesson that the beauty in others is not in the color of their skin then that is a beautiful thing. I have learned through widowhood early on I can do whatever i want, I do not give a hoot (being very nice for others here) what people think because this is my journey. I do it my way. That I do it my way is important to me. That others opinions of my life just is so insignificant., just really, because I want to be a role model only to my daughter. Thats all, I want to be kind to others, but I will not live for others can nod in approval, its good you doing the things you are doing, there must be a reason.

Guilt will come and go. It has been 4 1/2 years since my loss and 3 years with someone new, and the guilt still shows up once in a while. You just can't let it consume you. You deserve to be happy and with whomever you choose. Dating with children is a challenge, you do have to consider their feelings, especially if they are still in the house with you, but ultimately it is your choice, and hopefully your daughter will see that you are happy again.

I also felt guilty and the need to explain I still loved my husband but could still love others, even a romantic love. That's common for widows and widowers. As you develop in a relationship I think it becomes more comfortable and you realize that this is good no matter what anyone else thinks or says.
As for dating a different race or a different religion, we are all children of our creator. Our eye color varies, our hair color and texture varies even within the same race. To single out skin color is just stupid to me. Skin color differs within a same race! I am fair skin, blue eyed, and blonde hair. To say I could only date blue eyed, fair skin, blonde men would be ridiculous, so is judging people by any outward appearance. Just my opinion. Sharon

To Mel40, I have started to date a man of a different race. I never thought I would date because I am a widow with three young daughters. I found that I was wrong and there are a lot of people out there who have a lot of love to share in their hearts. I don't know if this man is the right one for me but, I'm glad he came into my life and showed me that I have a lot to offer.

A woman kissed me and it freaked me out! I still have the mind of a married man. It takes time, and experiences, to get on with this new life. Courage.

Ah, guilt. So all-pervasive in this society. Why it is I don't know. I'm not a sociologist. Personally, I think much of guilt feelings comes from some of the Christian religions (yea, those) and their man-made dogma. People are made to feel guilty if they don't comply to a certain set of standards. I attempt to explain a concept that is very multi-layered quite briefly.

If one would try to grasp where the guilt actually stems from (one's upbringing? belief system?), and if it is justified, it would quickly dissolve as it has no basis. I don't accept guilt; should someone try to instill this on me it'd be pushed away like an unwanted package. On the other side, I try not to blame individuals. Someone is always blaming somebody for something, thereby trying to make someone else feel guilty. Perhaps deep down they suffer, so they try to pass it on to somebody else?

This is about you; what you want and desire. We are social beings; made to give, radiate, and receive love. This is hard-wired in each of us by the creator. It's not about what the neighbors think, or the church or family. You don't have to justify to anybody. I have a few words for the religious self-righteous - having dealt with their malarkey before, both in my husband's family and elsewhere: They put a halo on their head and are so morally indignant but underneath they are jealous. I think a person functions better outside of organized religion, which to me is way too organized. Follow your own heart.

In the words of Lao Tzu, "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."

Therefore, refuse to be a prisoner; be free. Guilt produces stress, and stress is the mother of all disease.

Peace, G1

Guilt -- such an awful thing. I felt guilty going to my class reunion 1 year 8 months and 17 days after my husband passed. An old friend grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor to a slow song. I freaked out -- it felt like I was cheating on my husband. Although my daughter says she will understand if I begin to date again, I am not really sure she is ready for it. And, truthfully, I don't think I am ready yet either. I loved my husband (and still love my husband) with all my heart. We were married for 42 years and dated for a couple of years before that. He was my hero, my superman, my best friend, my everything. Having said all of that though, I was having a discussion with a good friend of mine (she lost her husband 5 months after I did) and between us we came to the realization that neither one of us thinks we can be happy living alone. So, maybe sometime in the distant future I can begin to think about dating again and having a life with another man. It won't be the same as the life I had with my husband, but maybe a comfortable existence having someone to share your life with, hold hands with, walk the beach with...