You should never put yourself or let someone else put you in the position of having to choose. I don't know why you think that you are hurting your daughter, but that put up a red flag to me. My personal opinion is that you would be happy with someone who can make you laugh and smile and feel good about yourself without becoming so close so soon. For me love develops deeper in time. Sure, their was a chemistry for me with Art but I needed to get to know him better before letting him be part of my life and the lives of my family.
Hope you aren't offended by my opinion. I'm just sharing my feelings for me and you are not me and follow your heart. Sharon

I hope you are discussing these issues with your therapist. Face to face communication and immediate feedback from a professional can be far more helpful if and when you are really seeking help. These boards can provide a lot of support, but you get opinions from all kinds of qualified and/or unqualified people who only see a glimpse of the picture. Since you and your daughter are in counseling, your therapist would have more knowledge and insight into your situation, and can probably help guide you to find the answers you are looking for.

Right now, your daughter really needs all that love you have.

And, like Sharon, I hope you and others are not offended by my opinion.

Mel, I am hoping that I can put into words what I am wanting to say. And I hope it doesn't sound stupid or offend you in any way. First of all this journey is not what you chose or your late husband or your children. But now that it has come to pass your life has been turned upside down along with your daughters. I completely understand the want and security of having a relationship for yourself, because I myself find it hard to believe that I will be alone the rest of my life. But, in saying this I have two teen boys that come before me and what I want. To me there little minds have already so much to have to deal with and not to mention the loss of their dad. When you throw someone else in their lives they are not ready for, I feel that could send them over the edge.

I know the loneliness and heartache is hard to bear at times, but I also know that God has a plan for each of our lives. In saying this, to answer your question "can you still stay friends", well my honest opinion would be to walk away. It's one thing if your are friends with a man and you haven't been on a date per se. And it's another to already verbalize that he is someone you dated but now we are just friends. Not sure how seriously she would take this.

Personally, I think you need to focus on you and your daughter. And when I say you, I mean to really look deep in yourself and find you again. Not you and someone else. I think part of this journey for myself is doing just that. Because for over 27 years I was a wife to one man. Now I am a widow and that within itself is warrant enough for me to find just myself again. (If that makes sense). I pray you are not offended by my opinion. Sending you a special prayer and a hug. God Bless Susan

Mel,

Being a "hopeless romantic" is one thing, but, dating is another. I realize that for a few, ( very few) dating someone else so soon after losing a spouse turns out ok. BUT, for many, it is a way to try to stop the grief. Stay with your counselor, listen to your counselor, listen to your TRUE heart. Everyone needs to grieve and to "work" through their grief ~~ in their own way. We are alike, but different, in so many ways while grieving. Helping your daughter is a priority. Laughing and feeling good is great for you too!! So, think deeply about any other person that you let into your life right now. Sometimes, a relationship is not what you need at the time. Sometimes it is. That's a question that only you can answer for Y O U.
Bless your heart! Hugs, Joely

Trial and error. Its very easy to to be so lonesome and carried away in grief as to get caught up in dating. Realistically it does not take away or set aside the grief, you just have to work it. I think what Mel is doing is normal and some of us can process it early on and some of us cannot, do not. My daughter was 19 and living at college when my husband died. So happy she did not see/hear or go on the roller coaster ride daily with me the first year but she was off and on home and I was on my best behavior then straightened up and appearing functional. By the time she was so confused and moved back home for a break I was pretty well at 18 months and had gotten some routine and had decided to focus on me. Only me, working my individual counseling, exercise, work, group therapy, getting her in therapy and really enjoying her. Really enjoying her and being 47. Now she has her footing is back in school moved out down the block and is working full time, i am stronger in this 3rd year and dating is reasonable. Its lonesome being widowed. I am giving Mel a nod in understanding. My husband had cancer a couple of years and died when i was 45, i get it but surely the cry out from your baby is the cry that is most important. The longing for companionship will be there but you will have much less inner turmoil and a true inner peace about all when she is at peace and you will be at peace to date and feel ok about it. My daughter is 22 now. Life is open with us in a different way than a young teen I am sure. But i get it Hugs from me too

I don't really see a reason why you cannot remain friends, in fact, that would probably best for you as well. Talk to him, explain your concerns and if he can read you as well as you say, he should be able to "get it". I would leave your daughter out of the equation--explain that you have been through a lot and feel it necessary to proceed slowly and really get to know yourself again as well. If and when you see him, meet him outside the home so your daughter can feel secure. That is my advice, that is what I think I would do if I were in your situation.

Update: I have been on a terrible ride with my daughter. Completely missed the forest for the trees. She is doing better but I've been on a learning curve. I thought she was having trouble with me moving forward with my life. Boy, was I wrong. She was having trouble with herself not being able to move in any direction. She dug her claws into me and sank her fangs in. It sure looked like a defiant, rebellious teen and I though that I needed to change me to help her. I didn't need to change me, she needed me to change her. She was stuck. I've got appts out the wazoo for her. She will get better, regardless of who is in my life and I respond to broken hearts that need love. She is a broken heart right now.
Interesting, I was told today that kids will try to stay strong until they see the surviving parent is ok and then they let the grief hit them. It hits hard. So, I believe that's what I've seen. My daughter being strong for me while I got my footing and then the pain ripped her wide open. Left her exposed to depression, suicide, and many other evils.
I wanted to share this in hopes that it would help others. It is a hard road being a widow. It is really tough being a widow and mom to kids in the house. I've learned how to be a single woman. I've learned how to be a single mom. Now, my daughter has to learn how to have one parent. One role model in the home. One source to draw strength from.
Thank you for the advice! He hasn't been around my family and he knows that boundary is firm. He knows i am not interested in a relationship, just going out with him. I've told this guy that my daughter and I have to stabilize before I can see him again. He understands. He doesn't give advice, just support. He's offered to buy us dinner and have it delivered to my house. He's offered to listen. I think I have found a professional dater. He will be a good teacher. Lol! (Just kidding. We both laugh a lot when we are together)

It is hard to read without feeling very concerned for your daughter. Maybe you missed my responce to your Limbo post., so I repeat my thoughts here.
The loss of parent is extremely traumatic, and will forever change children's lives. The child has, in some sense, a lifelong task of working, re-working — experiencing and re-experiencing the loss of the loved one. Available, nurturing, and caring mother, and other relatives will all make this journey easier.
Be available, nurturing, reassuring, and predictable.
All of these things make the her work easier. She needs to feel safe and cared for. Book "35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child" might give some helpful insights.

I am all those things. But she needs more help than a book or i can provide. Mix teen years with grief and you've got a recipe for amazing confusion and pain. I wish I would have pushed counseling harder sooner but I didn't. Now, I am. She needs counseling. She is angry, bitter, confused and lost. She needs to work through the anger. Teens who haven't lost a parent lash out at their parents.

I am so glad that you are getting help for her. I know you really do want the best for her, and hopefully this will open the doors of communication. A good therapist will work with both of you to get to the core of the problems, and to help you find ways to support and encourage each other. It won't happen over night, and it will require a lot of hard work on both of your ends, but you can do it.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for the support. It's a bumpy road. I realized this morning that I have been blaming myself for her actions, blaming grief and allowing a lot to slide. There is no handbook in life and I am doing my best. I just have to keep plugging along and not give up. I am going to apply the same rule to myself. No excuses for behavior. I get to choose what I do and deal with consequences. She does too.

Mel---sounds like things are more stable. I know you are doing your best, this is a tough road. Follow your heart and take care of yourself too. You can't take care of your daughter if you don't care for yourself. Your happiness is important, and if being with your gentleman friend makes you happy, then maybe you could be friends. No one says you have to run out and get married. Enjoy each day! Patricia

I remarried about 1.5 years after my husband died. Some felt it was to quick......but most did not understand that I had grieved for a year before he ever died. Anyway, my son was 26 when his father died and recently married. Looking back now, I can see that I made some mistakes in how I handled the situation..... Mistakes that have had a negative impact on my relationship with my son. If I could go back, I would have moved more slowly with my new husband and given my son more time to get to know him and to adjust to the situation.

But, I would have remarried. I don't think we can live our lived for our ADULT children. They have lives of their own and we can't depend on them to fill our time and hearts. It's not fair to them or to us.

If this man is as nice as you say, then why not just be friends for now and take things slowly..... Your daughter needs and deserves your love and support, but not your whole life. Have you talked to her about this? At 19, she's a young woman not a child and may understand more than you know.