HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group
We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...
Ok, Sharon, you hooked me. And I even have a story from today. My husband passed in March of this year. I tried the online dating sites. I broke my right ankle on July 21 and cancelled my profile. (Wouldn't have been a fun date.) I wouldn't have been a fun date anyway, because I didn't know what I was doing. I had a lot of anxiety, just texting or talking with someone. I felt guilty flirting. I felt guilty giving away any of my hopes or dreams. Broken ankle was a God send. God said "Slow DOWN!" It forced me to adopt some tools for dealing with grief and getting to know myself. I love what I have. It works!
So, it's time for my well woman exam and a couple of weeks ago I set up the appointment. My husband had a vasectomy, so birth control wasn't an issue. But, I go every year. The closer I got to the date of my exam, I started thinking back to our sex life before and after cancer. I was kinda traumatized and found some issues for me to work through.... Being rejected because of his pain and sickness. Feeling like a heel for even trying to initiate it. Yep, issues.
So, a couple of days ago, it hits me that I have a choice to make. My appointment is an opportunity to discuss this with my Dr. So, I DID!!!! I felt SO GUILTY! But, I don't want any more kids and the desire is really strong.... I just wanted to know what my options are. She made me feel so MUCH better! She explained to me that as a widow, I can do whatever I want, I am not bound. She handed me a condom and said "that's for a one night stand!" and then handed me a pack of birth control pills and said "that's for someone special!".
The guilt is not completely gone. There is no ring on my finger. I have the memory of hurting him a couple of times trying to make love (because of the cancer). The memory of his rejection because of the cancer.
But, I do believe that today was a step in giving myself permission to feel comfortable with my sexuality!
I hope this wasn't too much information. It's just where I am. I'm not running out to get some! But, I believe that I am working in the direction of being ok with having a FULL relationship with someone. One day...Guilt SUCKS!
So, it's time for my well woman exam and a couple of weeks ago I set up the appointment. My husband had a vasectomy, so birth control wasn't an issue. But, I go every year. The closer I got to the date of my exam, I started thinking back to our sex life before and after cancer. I was kinda traumatized and found some issues for me to work through.... Being rejected because of his pain and sickness. Feeling like a heel for even trying to initiate it. Yep, issues.
So, a couple of days ago, it hits me that I have a choice to make. My appointment is an opportunity to discuss this with my Dr. So, I DID!!!! I felt SO GUILTY! But, I don't want any more kids and the desire is really strong.... I just wanted to know what my options are. She made me feel so MUCH better! She explained to me that as a widow, I can do whatever I want, I am not bound. She handed me a condom and said "that's for a one night stand!" and then handed me a pack of birth control pills and said "that's for someone special!".
The guilt is not completely gone. There is no ring on my finger. I have the memory of hurting him a couple of times trying to make love (because of the cancer). The memory of his rejection because of the cancer.
But, I do believe that today was a step in giving myself permission to feel comfortable with my sexuality!
I hope this wasn't too much information. It's just where I am. I'm not running out to get some! But, I believe that I am working in the direction of being ok with having a FULL relationship with someone. One day...Guilt SUCKS!
This dream indicates that some memories/emotions from that period in time are surfacing so they can be acknowledged, healed. The herpes is a caution factor in it.