So I have had what I hope is HOCD for about a year and a half now. I used to get really obvious symptoms, I would get spikes or flare ups and I would worry I had 'gay vibes'. When I started secondary school a rumor went round about me and my best friend saying that we were lesbian. I got extremely conscious and I believe this was the start of my major OCD. Before this, I remember my dad saying that knowing me I would probably turn out gay anyway and I remember my aunty saying that maybe I would be better of with a girl. I used to worry for days and days on end that they thought I was gay and they knew something I didn't. Before that I had OCD tendancies like when I was sick (my fear was being sick) I wouldn't repeat actions that I associated to that night. It is only looking back now that I believe it is OCD. I never showed any signs of being gay before this, when I was seven though I kissed my best friend (on the cheek) I remember the impulse just coming over me. After that I decided I was in love with this boy and cried when he didn't love me back. A lot of bad things happened in my past....I lost close family and my parents split up and then I thought I was jinxed and it would be just my luck if I turned out gay too...that's really where the whole thing started. Even before I knew it was OCD, I would worry I gave out gay vibes, I used to take 'how gay are you' quizes compulsively until I got the answer I wanted and I would look at gay people's lives to see how they differed from mine. I remember getting to a point thwere it was either killing myself or coming out but I was never going to come out in a million years...I was only 12 at the time.I don't know why the idea of being gay was so horrendous to me...I'm not homophobic or anything. I begnan to think I was though and sometimes I would be alright and others I would feel desperately unhappy and alone. Around the time all this was happening a lot of things on tv came on about being gay and I thought it was a sign from god or something that I was too. I remember during one spike I tried typing into google the only way I could think of putting it 'obsessed with being gay'. Then this sight came up..I strongly believe it saved my life. I found lists of symptoms that all mine matched and I found that I had HOCD. I cried with relief. I thought that just knowing this would make it better and all these worries and panicing would just go away and for a while it did but soon I was losing sleep again and I couldn't control my own mind. I began checking my syptoms to make sure I definately had it. This site helped alot. I e-mailed a few people who could empathise with me and then life took a definate upturn. I made a new best friend and I felt like we were sisters...I fancied her boyfriend beyond belief and we took to stalking him together...I would have done anything for her. The thought that I wasn't alone and the thought that I did fancy a boy after all was enough to help but slowly we started to drift apart. I was devastated and in the lonely hours I cried on my bed ocd started to talk to me again. He said it wasn't normal I felt so close to my best friend and that I was acting as if she was dead...the he said the dreaded words 'Maybe you fancy her'. I felt betrayed by her for leaving me and confuzed that I felt like this. I was okay for some time after but all the time that I was okay I couldn't enjoy to just be okay because I would begin to worry that my lack of fretting meant that my inner mind had accepted the fact I was gay or something and it was just bidding it's time until I came out which I was never going to do. Sometimes I was close though. I felt like the only way I will get this to end is to either thow myself off a bridge or come out...I felt like I was accepting some feelings and not others and that thought made me feel sick. On top of all this I had a lack of impulsions and I don't know what is real any more. Am I just making this up in my head? I also started to worry that I was turned on my girls... I haven't been on this site in a long time but at the minute I feel I need like minded people. A lot of my friends now have bad problems. One of them slits their wrists and I know it sounds awful but I used to say I did too, I would act all depressed- especially around my old best friend- just for attention, as though she might take an interest in me and all the while ocd kept saying 'it's just because you fancy her'. I'm nearly 15 now. I have a boyfriend, friends but OCD still speaks to me. It's like I am stuck in a permanant spike just worrying about everything from the world ending, to having cancer to being gay. I am so angry at the people who made me this way but I wander if that rumor never had started would I still feel this way? I want a husband and kids and sometimes (mostly when I'm with my boyfriend) I can see it but others I just can't. I want so much out of live and I can't enjoy anything...OCD even wrecks my relationship by making me question do i really love him and am i just with him because i am in denial? The worst part is that I have never been officially diagnosed so I don't know if any of this is really...so here I am to you right now pouring out my thoughts because I can't keep them inside my head anymore and even if i get replies back saying I am OCD then i will just be made to think that i influenced you to say that in some way by the way I wrote it. I'm so angry at myself and I can't control it but I am determined to take a step in the right direction so one day I might be able to finally live my life without worrying. It'll be hard though because nobody knows and if I told them they wouldn't understand, they'd just think I was gay and in denial...maybe I am so somone...anyone...please help me. If you have read this thank-you so much- I know it sounds like staged rubbish but from the bottom of my heart this is totally honest. Feel free to message me. I can't see my life in the future without this.