Firstly I want to say I don't have a diagnosis, and I'm scared! I'm confused I dont know if I have HOCD or a sever case of denial!
I think I just want to tell my story. It's become so convolouted....This is a long story and I just want to get it out. it's a bit explicit.. Sorry in advance
I think it all started around 2008, I remeber singing a love song and saying the wrong gender pronoun, her instead of him and worrying that my family would think I was gay. I went to insane measures to ensure my family that I wasn't gay. Imagien the most sterotypical boy mad girl and then amplify it by about 100. I became really anxious about hearing the word gay, I hated people talking about it, my gay friends made me uncomfortable. The year before this my best friend came out, at the time I considered whether I was gay and conclusively decided "no thanks"
Then later in 2008 I walked into the front room where my family were watching prince caspian a shot of lady susan came on the screen and I just though she looked so beautiful that it kind of shocked me (Mesmerised me?)It wasn't anything sexual , immediatly after thinking she looked beautiful I felt sick , faint and so anxious. I began to obsess over whether I had ever found a boy attractive..had my reaction been that she was attractice? or was it the movie magic and the fact that the scene was contrived to get that reaction. I began to obsess I began to look at posters of women, to check out my friends, i ran it over and over in my head to see if I actually felt attracted to women. Eventually I kind of forgot to think about it and it went away.
Later that year I was watching a film (the duchess) in a scene two friends were talking about sex with a man they liked, it was very sensual and I felt a twinge in my goin. again I freaked out and panicked. A few weeks later a scene in vampire diaries had the same response, one of the vampires (a lady) strutted on screen hair blowing back and very sexy (Thing is I didnt find her sexy she was just portrayed as sexy). I have always been turned on by sex on tv, whether male-female , male-male or female-female. Any kind of sexual situation would get a response. These two arousals/ groinal responses what ever they were sent me into a massive panic again, I'd never had a crush on a girl but spent a lot of time worrying if I did. I tried to fantasise about girls but it never did anything for me.
Oh and During the years 2008-2010 I had a massive stomach flipping crush on a boy. I was always too shy to say say yes when he asked me out (I would later use this as evidence of being gay during spikes)
Then in 2010 at a friends birthday There was a lesbian kiss in a film we were watching , I tensed up , got stressed then had a massive twang of arousal in my groin. I then fell into a massive pit of anxiety and mopeyness , stopped eating propperly and just couldnt cope. I had some really stong sexual dreams for a few nights after this event , leaving me devestated, scared and so confused. I really didn't want to be gay, it didn't feel right , I just didn't want it. I had always been really rational about sexaulity, I had known I liked boys I'd only had a few crushes. I began to think that I wasn't having enough crushes and that was therefore evidence I was gay. I remeber being worried that I didnt feel enough when I looked at an attractive guy. I would think" Hmmm your hot" and maybe smirk a bit and the person would invevitably turn up in my day dreams.
I had so much anxiety flying around and had just made a new friend , me and her got on really well and we'd always have a laugh but this lesbain anxiety convinved me I fancied her. In retrospect I didn't want to kiss her or hold her hand or cuddle her. so from 2011-2015 i entered a cycle of worrying about being gay, having sexaul responses to the tv and having sexual dreams(Usually around times of stress). I'd make new female friends and get a really sad sinking feeling in my chest and asume I was falling in love with them. I tried really hard to find men attractive in real life, to illicit the same response as lady susan back in 2008. The more I worried about my sexaulaity the harder it was to find men attractive. During this time I also fantasied about men(Alot)... And enjoyed it.
It had come to a point where I would avoid physical contact with people of the same sex, I avoided looking at them or touching them incase I had a response I didn't like or want .I never had the urge to be with a girl, I've never wanted to kiss or touch one. At times I would border on homophobic and I would close when watching women on tv.
Then I came to Uni and actually became realatively settled in my sexuality, I excepeted the dreams and arousals as evidence of me as a sexual being. If something was designed to be sexual, it made sense that I would respons to it sexually whether I would act out that in real life. I began flirting with guys, I loved dancing with them on a night out, I'd dress to impress and became a bit more realisitic about what attraction actually is. I began to look at guys and think " I'd like to get with you" . I then made friends with a girl and realised she was such a nice and lovely person, I had that same old sad sinking feeling in my chest and assumed I loved her (No , retrospectively I dont think I did) this triggered me into a spiral of worrying... then at the christmas I got really drunk and got off with a guy, and yes I enjoyed it! I again felt comfortable in my sexuality because I realised I didnt want to have the same expereinces I'd had with him, with a woman. skip forward a few months and I got triggered by watching OINB, it didn't make me aroused it made me bloody uncomfortable and then I had a sexual dream the following night. again another spiral of anxiety and confusion "How can I be gay If I have no interest in being sexual with a woman" and " Can I be a lesbian If I really dont want to be" and "if I was Gay surely it wouldnt feel so wrong" Then I kind of forgot about the issue because also during my time at uni I had been obsessing about appocalypses and the world ending. I had a spike of that and the sexuality didn't seem to be an issue. I got drunk again, went out and brough a guy home, again I enjoyed it..I can't say it was the most arousing experience of my life but I was pretty drunk , on medications your not suposed to drink on and anxious. I went home for a few weeks and met a really nice guy in a pub , we talked , we kissed, he stroked my leg under the table and held my hand and it felt so good and so nice and yes I was aroused. when our flng was over I felt settled in my sexaulity, I was confused about the dreams , Guilty about being such a floozy, but again I decided it was all to do with being a sexual creature and it didn't neccsarily reflect my personal oppions.
I then met a boy. I didn't realise I had feelings for him, we spent alot of time together, and I would drop everything to spend time with him. we'd stay up late at night chatting rubbish and I tried to impress him alot. I assumed we were just friends , assumed that someone like him wouldn't be interested in me. I'd considered him in that way during a period of gay worry so assumed that Anything I felt was me trying to combat the gay fears. I convinved myself I didn't feel anything for him right up untill the point he asked me out and my stomach flipped over backwards and I felt like I was alive with some sort of electricty. I didn't even doubt saying yes. I got home buzzing with excitement a little cold voice in the back of my mind said" You don't actually like him" I pasued for a moment and thought about how I just felt and dismissed the voice. we started going out he became my boyfriend. He is honestly the first person I can say I've felt propper desire for. I was so excited and so giddy. Then it happened... My bestfriend (who is a lesbian) told me she realised she was gay becasue she got turned on by a lesbian sex scene. my brain went" well if that's the critera, I must be gay" and anxiety ensued. It ran wild for about 6 months. 2 weeks ago I realisd how much I loved my boyfriend , how happy I feel with him and how much I want to be with him. I had 2 weeks of blissfull rest and blissfull love and then my friend said "you have so many gay friends ,I think your trying to tell yourself something" I stressed over this and had a gay dream and here I am. In love with a man, deeply in love , but so scared and confused. Am I in denial? Have I got HOCD? Am i writting this to seek assurance?
So I suppose my question is, what do I do?