hello Darkness ... I hear you & I understand. I struggle with a lot of anxiety including social anxiety. I am also very hard on myself. I don't have any good answers for you at the moment but I want you to know you are not alone. I have just started DBT classes trying to learn some skills I need to cope better with life. I don't know if this is something you are familiar with or not. I think everyone could benefit from learning these skills. You are in your 30s ... you are young so I hope life improves for you. I think everyone has something in their life they have to cope with ... if it wasn't this it would be something else. Sending good thoughts to you.

Thanks Janvier! I'm sorry that you struggle with the same issues! The good thoughts are very much appreciated.

I can relate. I can take things personally and to heart and negative comments can stay with me. But I think I'm my own worst enemy.
I do similar And I will correct and censor myself, I make sure I don't interrupt, make sure I am not being too loud or I'm not too quiet, make sure I listen and be interested in what the other person is saying. I'm checking to see if I am being too silly or too serious. I can be either one of those. I catch myself.
I get embarrassed easily and social settings cause me anxiety.
It is not easy. And is very tiring. I can understand why you are tired.

often I walk away from talking with someone analyzing how I behaved and what I said. I feel I said something stupid or I didn't make sense. I think I rambled or talked too much. I have anxiety and I notice if I'm feeling nervous in a social situation Sometimes I will talk more.
I usually take Ativan before a social event but sometimes I feel I can be an idiot just talking with someone at the doctors office or in a grocery store.
I often ask myself what is up with me? But then I just laugh it off. I have gotten much better with doing that.

I have improved with shaking things off sooner and not stewing over an event for a long time which I use to do. I realize how much energy I waste by doing that.

I know my behavior and my self analyzing Is because of messages Received in the past.
Those negative things stick with us. It's a shame that happens. we need more positive affirmations.

When I was young, if I was being loud I was told to be quiet, when I was quiet I was asked whats wrong and to speak up.
My son has said that I can go on sometimes. Lol but then he's wanted to talk with me when I'm in a quiet mood.
Can't win.
It's difficult to find that balance some times.
Even though I can be chatty some times. I think I'm a good listener when need be.
People tell me things that are personal and secret. I have had strangers I hardly know tell me things. I just get talking with them and they tell me stuff. I'll listen and offer empathy, support or whatever the occasion calls for.

I think to give yourself some slack and be kinder to and more accepting of self. If you can find humor that's good. If you can laugh at self that's good. Be more lighter about things.

If you can accept that you are unique and special and these things you criticize are just part of your personality, it's who you are. The way you are wired. And it's ok.
And you wouldn't be you if you were someone else.

I don't want to be someone else or want someone else's life because who knows what demons they are dealing with.
There's much about myself that I like and am ok with even the anxiety and craziness that I have.
I hope you can find that too and be ok.
Maybe say screw it or screw those who said negative things to you. Ya know.
Be ok with you. Find the good. Replace negative self talk with positive affirmations.
I'm working on it too.
I'll check out that DBT thing Janvier mentioned too.

Naturegirl : I definitely analyze myself after a conversation with others wondering how I came across. Many times if it's a conversation that I have time for which to prepare I will mentally rehearse it in my head beforehand. Public speaking especially terrifies me. It's because everyone staring at me makes me feel pressured. Also I worry that I will appear stupid to them. I seem to do better with talking with people in different situations such as when I went to university or have been part of a group. It helps to know that I have something in common with them right off the bat. I'm always comparing myself to other people and therefore find myself wanting. I know logically that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses; that it's ok. My emotions on the other hand tell me the exact opposite. I know myself very well but worry that others won't want to get to know me. I worry that I'm not interesting enough. I have been told that I'm a good listener and I try to be. I wish that I could laugh at myself in a positive sense but I don't yet know how to do so. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough to laugh out loud. Most of the time I don't feel free enough to do so. The exception is at the movie theater watching a funny movie. I think it's because I'm more relaxed when others are laughing as well. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'll look into DBT as well.

Darknessembraced, have you tried or heard of laughter yoga? I haven't tried it myself but a lady was demonstrating on TV the other day and I thought it sounded interesting. It is supposed to help you loosen up and laugh more easily.

I feel the same, I wish I wasn't so awkward socially, whenever I spend time trying to make small talk there is always always awkward silences. I hate it. The only person I have met who was different is my boyfriend, there was silence between us but neither of us seemed to mind, I felt that from the beginning with him and now after years being together it is still the case. But every other person I have socialized with, it feels awkward, even stupid stuff like having my hair cut, you are supposed to make chitchat and I don't know what to say.

Much of what all of you have said reminds me of myself; social anxiety, feeling I'll put my foot in my mouth, wondering how I come off to people. analyzing how "I" think I must appear. It gets tiring....
Part of the problem is that we have to interact with non-HSP people who are so much different than we are. Having an abusive childhood where one has been criticized up one end and down the other I think has more to do with it than anything.
I have been working with the critical voice in my head that is so much like the vindictive grandmother I grew up around. It is something I'm sure I'll have to work on for a while yet working on it I am. I highly recommend "Self Compassion' by Kristen Neff.
I also think we need to spend as much time with other HSP's as possible. Not to be elitist but to be with people we can let our hair down with. Perhaps seeing these behaviors we detest in ourselves in other HSP's not to mention reading about them here will be beneficial to us all. We won't continue to feel like we are the only ones that feel this way. Hope this helps.
Happy July 4th to everybody!

Lizzie: I've never heard of nor tried laughter yoga. I looked up laughter yoga and I once saw a show about people in Japan who were doing it. I tried the regular yoga but couldn't get into it because I couldn't focus enough on the breathing. I tried meditation too but also couldn't keep my mind focus. I'm not one of those people who can just sit and do nothing. I always have to be doing something so my mind is never really at rest.

Katzen: My boyfriend is HSP but his work schedule makes it hard to spend much time together. He works overnight and sleeps during the day. I'll look into the book you mentioned.

I'm in Canada but Happy 4th to everyone! ;)

In other words tired of being a repeat head space which is exactly why yoga eventually works ... it is a tool to get into the body and out of mind . Most beginner yoga practitioners should not be guided with breath. I left earlier in life for that exact reason. I was not ready for the breath part and it was intense. On the other hand Now I understand that one can begin a practice just based on bodily movement and not so much about breath until later. Of course you would have to make a disicion to place effort into something that is not immediate gratification nor comfortable. On the other side, Mind/head space (or lack of space) is very comfortable with repeat conditions.

Darkness,

You wrote: A long time ago I was told that I talk too much and that other people had complained about how much I talk. Ever since then I've always tried to make sure that I don't talk as much. I was told I talk too much as a teen and I'm now in my 30s! I envy those who can say what's on their minds!

I'm sorry that you internalized this and held on to this belief. Not everything that people say is true! I find that certain people exaggerate things when they are feeling bad about themselves and sometimes they say things to hurt you for the same reason.

Social anxiety can be very painful. I know because I was socially anxious as a teen and missed out on a lot of fun I could have had. I really wanted friends, but I was so afraid of rejection.

It sounds like maybe you are taking small steps to help yourself. I found that writing in my journal and writing song lyrics has been empowering for me. Sometimes even writing letters to people who have hurt me, but not sending them! Maybe you could take this step as a way of expressing yourself without having to actually say it in front of someone...and slowly begin to express yourself more directly from there.

Anxiety is a Shame-Based Disorder and I hear a lot of shame in what you have written, Darkness. I know because I struggle with this too and have been struggling with this lately. I have lately been feeling like I wish I were different and did not think and feel the way I do. Its so hard to accept that I go through these bouts of anxiety that seem to come out of nowhere--like a switch has been turned on in my brain. I feel better about myself when I am feeling good.

I know I have a lot to work on regarding my anxiety and a big part of this is just accepting that this is who I am. Naturegirl is right about learning to accept yourself--which I think erases the shame. Accepting yourself dosen't mean you will not change what you want to change...it just means that you accept the way you feel and you accept that its okay to make mistakes. Life is a learning process for everyone and everyone struggles with something, as someone else already said.

Thanks for the response jupiter! Yes, they are is a lot of shame associated with my anxiety. I need to accept myself for who I am not try to be who I think everyone else wants me to be! We are more than our societal roles! Every quality has a certain duality meaning it can be both a blessing or a curse depending on the circumstance and/or context. For example my sensitivity makes me more empathetic but at the same time can provoke my anxiety. Life is all about balance. I used to journal on paper or online. I have written poetry in the past that has been very cathartic. I've never thought of writing letters. That's an idea. Life is a learning process and it is through our struggles that we grow the most. I know this logically but emotionally is another matter! Comparing myself to others is detrimental because we are all unique so of course we're not going to be the same as someone else nor should we be.

The worst i think, though, is how very little i havr come across that offers help therapy wise.

The psychiatrist i saw when i had bad social anxiety tried CBT with me for a very short time bfore giving it up (apparentky it was ineffective for me). She never tried anything else excpt medication, ehilst of corse getting almost two hundred dollars for each session.

The whole business of having any mental illness is very insecure in almost every possible respect. You do no




is valid.



But a few

I was trying to add a few tips on how to handle anxiety in the moment....


Do math sums in your head. Apparently this is useful for getting your mind into a more practical part that is apart from the worrying side.

Be very quick buying somwthing. For example, if you experience anxiety going shopping, pick a time to but one very small item and be as quick and brief as possible. Gradually increase the time you are in the supermarket, do that you get yourself used to a certain situation and lose fear of it. Another variation that i use of tgis general principle, is to remind my self not to think - that buying something is a very simple exchange and i should remind my mind that it is not to complicate such a thing (since my mind seems to always think that simple social exchanges should have more depth).

Another is to pretend that you are the boss of an organisation(i assume this is for social anxiety in the work place). And i think this is to combat those automatic self criticsl thoughts and help get one unstuck from them.

Another is dine when in a group and is where you listen to each person speaking as if you are studying their expressions and voice to tell if they are in fact lying. This puts you into the role of observer, which i think helps take that spotlight off when feeling self conscious.

The Do-Over is awesime. This one is where you deliberately make light of your social mistakes or perceived mistakes. You say: That doesn't count. Or, That never hspoened. ...this is to promote a laid back attitude, the antidote of social anxiety.

Deliberate Catastrophizing. This is using sarcasm to mess with that little critical voice that tells predicts a social mistake. You basically imagine really extreme, or absurd, mistakes happening. If you can laugh at yourself then this s great.

Another is to have ear plugs or headphones (with binuaral or relaxing music or even a guided meditation) in order to help you switch off from sensory data around you - including perhaps other peoples' loud music (which has driven me nuts in the workpace).

For me, a lot of it is simple sensory overload. I think that i have a very high interpersonal sensitivity. (interestingly, i am very talented at drawing peoples' faces and have a preference for this over drawing other things). And i think that unless i get enough time on my own, i feel harrassed having to spend long periods of time with peopke (especially if it is a lot of peole) i as yet do not know well. After a few months, however, i seem to lose my anxiety. My other trigger is dealing with unfamiliar people when there is more than one and i cannot see their face and/or i feel observed by them. I avoid customer service, except of the sort where i only have to deal with one or two people at once.

Another thing i do is i doodle and sketch.( ...actually, it may be that my art has suffered due to lack of stimulation from having exoerienced long term unemployment.)

But something creative can help get nervous energy out whilst getting you into a calm, centred state.

Also, i really get how you feel. Social anxiety has taken a great deal from me.

One other thing i would advise is to address your health. Exercise. Endorphins may help to re educate your mind in how it feels to feel more normal and relaxed. Look into whether you can address serotonin or dopamine imbalances and be careful to check side effects of any substance.

Also, figuring out what situations you are nervous in and what you aren't can be worth it. Then you can structure our life arounf more what you are at ease with. Then gradually build up confidence, lowering anxiety in general, and then work on troublesome situations.

For me, i experience a generally tolerable amount of social anxiety in situations like shopping, but even then i say "fuck it" and forget about it. The next time i am fine, anyhow. And i have learned that customer service (unless it involves dealing with only a few people at a time, as oppoaed to person after person) is NOT for me; and that i shoukd not be suckered in by the hoardes of people who are brainwashed into thinking that every person shoukd be an extroverted.

When next i go for a job i will consider going on antidepressants (if it involves qorking with more than one or two people). Even despite warnings that antidepressants may cause cancer, it may be worth it for me. Although, i need to look into other therapies lik Rhodiola. However, it is sucha gamble with all these things. I am currently experimentung with taking fish oil everyday, and vitamin b compkex. I should also buy and take probiotics. I have been lazy starting exercise, but this has to be a must, quitting drinking is very importnt. In fact i have gsined a very unnattractive pot belly from abusing alcohol for more than five years (not always constantly though).

circe78: Thank you for all of your wonderful tips! I will definitely use them the next time the need arises! I'm sorry to hear you're struggling as well! For me sensory overload is a big issue which is why I always need time alone afterward. If I don't get that time alone I feel really stressed.