I feel for you Lonewolf, my family is not on my side either, and I do not like the holidays much sometimes because it turns into a big drama where anybody who does not agree or believe what the family leaders believe, then they are whispered about-did you hear what so and so is doing with their life? They will cut someone down when they are not around. I would love to spend holidays with friends and I do but get the shut out if I do that too, accused of not being a "family" person and told that you "Have" to come or else you are not a "true' memeber of the family, yet if you do show up, they make you feel bad, like you never measure up,,they started that on my 20 year old too, and I said "Thats enough!"
All I can do is when I do see family is smile, ignore their comments and I say to myself -I will take the high road,,and they can take the low road. No matter what,, I tell myself,,,they cant knock me down unless I let them..it is hard though.

hi Lonewolf ... I'm also worried about the holidays already. Everyone I talk to seems to feel the stress one way or the other. Either too much family or not enough family or too much to think about or too lonely. Every year around this time I try to think of how I can make it different this year so that it works for me. What options are there? I'm glad you brought this up ... maybe we can figure it out together.

If I was very wealthy I sometimes think it might be nice to spend the whole of December somewhere else. Maybe rent a cottage in a charming & small village in Scotland or Ireland or Italy. I don't know ... just dreaming.

It sounds like you already have a good plan in place for yourself. Go where you are loved and accepted always. Just because you are related to people doesn't make them the best people to be with, especially during the holidays.

I'm going to change the situation. They can't win this fight. I already know I am better than them, and that I am going to my Universal Univercity church Christmas eve, and spending it with friends. Christmas eve I will spend eating brunch and getting loaded on caaffeen and food. I can't change how ppl act around the mentlaly ill. I don't want to. I don't need to. I will go directly home after, not attend their church, and sit through two lovely services my friends are singing in. THe end. My stress is done.

I tried to do the whole "Norman Rockwell" family stuff at holidays years ago. Been there, did that.....and I actually have come to believe that I never truly had the "Norman Rockwell" type of family anyway! Both of my parents are years deceased; I have no true relationship with my sisters and their families; my husband has no siblings and both his parents are dead. When my father-in-law was alive, he lived in an in-law apartment in our house - he was the father-in-law from hell. My only son is married and lives 200 miles away in another state. So, it is just my husband and myself.

I don't worry about holidays and get-togethers anymore. We see our son and daughter-in-law either before the holidays or after. We have told them that they should have their family celebrations in their own house on the day of the holiday. (We had to travel on these days years ago with the kids and I hated interrupting their holiday time home) so we would not force this on our son and daughter-in-law. (I lost my daughter years ago so I did mourn over the loss of everything associated with celebrations, etc. I cannot change that so I have accepted that).

I just love to spend time alone. I relax. There was even one year when we visited our son over the Christmas holiday and since we were going there, we didn't even bother to put up a Christmas tree. (And you know what, I didn't even miss it!). I didn't even watch tv much because I was sick-and-tired of seeing Christmas advertising/commercials non-stop. So, I found other things to do. Got through that holiday season easily.

I'm not saying that I didn't ever miss holiday celebrations, I did. But, as with anything in Life, things change and I have learned to go with the flow and accept it.

I will probably be working in the health-care field by then as a phlebotomist/lab tech. So, I will probably have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My husband is ok with that and so am I. Health problems don't take time off for the holidays.

Lonewolf - you must go where you are fully accepted and understood. I know that family is important. Yet, there comes a time when you must fully learn to take care of yourself first and foremost. Celebrate in the way that is most comfortable for you. Do not let others make that decision for you. I know that your family doesn't approve but do you? Do you approve of yourself and your beliefs? That is what is most important.

Yeah but I warned my brother type friend who saved my life. I said Randy I love you, and I'm not saying this to hurt you but you are hindering my recovery progresss by mumbling suicide under your breath and we are all sick of it. Change your behavior, and I recommended him to see two mental health counclers to9 speak to. Then I will decide if I am going to spend christmas with. IF he continues to act like an ass I'll be forced to catholic church sit near my mother who will poke me grab the back of my arm fat just like when I was 10 and embarass me in public. So instead I am streightening Randy's but up, because if he doesn't he won't be allowed to be near me.These are the rules to my first year of recovery if you don't respect it, get out.

Sounds like you've had quite a pasting Lonewolf- you just do what feels right for you with no regrets or blame- don't take on others bad feelings. You are being strong in yourself and taking care of yourself as you should. I too have got to the point where I just cannot be around anyone who attacks me; Why should anyone have to justify themselves? I'm fortunate that, generally speaking, Christmas time isnot too bad an experience for me although last year I picked up on bad feeling that my sister had caused and, having arrived late due to having to work, I took it all on myself and was a hysterical mess when I went home! This year 1- she is out of the country and 2- I have moved on and will not be taking on other people's stuff or made to feel bad about who I am- particularly as I grant others so much latitude!

I don't know what you are recovering from, but whatever it is the last thing you need is to subject yourself to those who are not supportive. You're right about there being mental health issues with others in your family and even though you may be empathetic, you are not bound to them because they are blood related. The holidays are about being with people who truly love and accept you unconditionally because that's what the holiday's true meaning is all about. Be where you are most comfortable and surround yourself with those who will surround you with positive energy. Blessings!

If family does not want me, makes my life miserable, I don't hang with them. I am better than that. I don't need that in my life. I am there if they need me, but I will not expose myself to social situations with them if they normally end badly for me. They are blood relatives, and I will try not to burn bridges. Just make other plans and simply tell them that you have already made plans. Do not even feel obligated to tell them what. Your guilt will try to drag you into making excuses & defending what you do. You don't have to. Know that you have the right to make your own choices. You do not have to defend those choices to anyone. Your plans and choices are as important as anyone else's. Think about what you want to do for the holidays, and start making plans... the very plans you are going to tell the relatives you have.